Mute
by Lion.Lovin.Lamb
Summary: AU. Bella hasn't spoken a word since the accident - 6 years ago. In a bid to start a fresh, her mother sends her to live with her dad in Forks. There she is the freak to the other kids. Apart from the mysterious Edward Cullen, who helps unlock her past.
1. Saturday January 1st 2005 12:35am

**A very different try at a fan fiction for me. I don't know how this is going to turn out. I'd thought I'd give a go at a more serious fanfic. I hope you like it. Please review if you can. Thank you. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

_To tell him I love him, would be my only true wish. But the words could never leave lips. - Bella Swan, Mute._

_Saturday January 1__st__ 2005 - 12:35am _

Dear Diary,

I have never tried or done anything of this sort before, but Dr West said I should try. That maybe it will help. It won't help. Nothing has helped. Nothing probably ever will. But I'll try, for Mom at the very least.

My name is Isabella Marie Swan, though I liked to be called Bella. I'm seventeen & a junior in high school. I get average grades. I have two best friends Suzie & David & I used to have a third Melanie. My parents are divorced & I live with my Mom & her husband Phil. My Dad Charlie, lives in Forks in Washington State. I don't see him very often.

Oh & I don't speak.

I did speak. Along time ago. In fact, I spoke quite a bit. But for the past 6 years I haven't spoke a word. Not since that day. I want to speak, but I can't. Don't get me wrong I haven't got an illness or anything. Dr West, said it's something to do with my brain. I don't really understand, I've never really been too good at biology.

You may call me a freak, or psycho, an attention hogger. Or you may call me a mute, dumb or disabled, if your kinder. I've heard it all before. I'll here it again. I can handle it. I've became used to not showing my emotions. It bothered me at first. But now I can handle it.

Because more than anything. Anything in the world I agree with them. I am a freak. The biggest of freaks.

But I'll have to live with it. Because deep down, I know that's the way I'll always be. Despite what my Mom & Dr West say. I know they're just lying to me. Covering me in cotton wool as usual.

So that's me. Bella Swan - the mute freak.

This diary won't work. I know it.

Yours Truly

Bella

Ps: Oh I forgot to mention. Here's to another exceptionally miserable & speechless new year. May this one be just as good as the last - Yeah if only.

**So, what do you think? Reviews would be really kind people. Thank you. TTFN Lion. Lovin. Lamb xXx**


	2. Saturday 1st January 2005 1:30pm

**2nd Chapter. You may notice that Bella is a little OOC & very sour. I've wrote her this way on purpose. She has become this way, after being like this for so many years & she hates herself because of it. Anyway just thought you should know that. Reviews would be really nice.**

**Enjoy!**

_"Words and hearts should be handled with care for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair." - Unknown_

_Saturday 1st January 2005 - 1:30pm_

Dear Diary,

Had a meeting with Dr West, this morning. Yes the asshole, even comes on New Years Day. He has a thing for my Mom, that's obvious. That's probably the only reason he's stuck around so long. I see him lick his lips, every time she walks into the room. And I can just imagine all the perverse things he's thinking. It makes my skin crawl. He must be nearly sixty at least. It was for the use of better words, shit.

He came in, wearing that vile yellow shirt of his & that Mickey mouse tie, he wears on special occasions. His hair now looked like a badgers fur, from where the dye, had came out. I don't know who he thinks he's kidding.

He thought we would start the session, with a game of chess.

I hate chess.

The game, has too many rules & I don't see the point in all the little names for the pieces. But that's not the reason I hate it. I hate for the two little words that are spoken. "Check Mate".

We play 3 games.

I won them all.

Dr West, is good at chess. I know this. He has many trophies, hanging on shelves in his office, won decades ago when he had been your average chess club high school geek. He polishes them often.

He lets me win. For the same reason, Mr Ampleton always gives me B's in French, even if I completely fail. The same reason, the lunch lady gives me an extra slab of pie at lunch. The same reason Mom, never grounds me.

He feels sorry for me.

I'm just the confused, mentally ill, little girl who doesn't speak. The freak - as I like to call it.

He then decided to ask me how my diary was going. I nodded. Ever since I was eleven, I have nodded a lot. It normally answers a lot of questions, easily & efficiently. It almost makes me seem normal. Not that it matters. Everyone around here, already knows me as a freak.

He then asked if he could read it. I shook my head, another common expression of mine.

He then resorted to small talk. I didn't listen. He spoke of his wife's new hair cut & how his new neighbours had just had a baby. I hated how he tried to be my friend. He was my psychiatrist. He couldn't be any further from a friend.

Then he asked about Christmas. I showed him my new digital camera. Which I knew I could never use. He explained all about mega pixels. Again, I didn't listen.

When he finally finished with me, he asked to speak to Renee. That's my Mom…In private.

I knew what private discussions were about. I may be a mute, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid. It's when he has concerns about me. When I was younger I would wait & listen at the top of the stairs. It was all too frequent now, to do that. Besides, it had begun to bore me.

He used to ask if any of my memory was resurfacing, but as the years past that became less & less.

The day, it happened, the day she died. I can only remember certain parts. The rest is lost to my memory. I used to have nightmares, about my forgotten memory, every night. I still do. But I know now that they are too far fetched to ever be true.

Lucy & David told me what happened? But I don't think they're telling me entirely the truth. They're trying to protect, more than likely. Just like everyone else.

So, now here I am, listening to a cd that Phil bought be for Christmas & writing in this freaking waste of time, of a diary.

My Moms, calling me now though. She probably wants to discuss exactly what her & Dr West, have been talking about. The norm, is my eating habits, my grades, my lack of enthusiasm when he suggests joining clubs. That sort of thing.

I will never be expected into this world, diary. Not while I'm the freak, who can't be understood.

Yours

Bella

**So what did you think? Please leave a review if you can? Your opinions would be fabulous to know. This is all a little different writing to what I usually do. Thank You.**


	3. Saturday 1st January 2005 6:37pm

**Chapter 3! Thank you so much for all the reviews & favourites, so far. I really appreciate them. There's something I'd really like to point out however, I put In chapter 1, Bella's friend is called Suzie yet in Chapter 2 her names Lucy. This was a typo. Her names Suzie. Just thought you ought to know. Thank you. Reviews would be really nice people.**

**Enjoy!**

_It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets By JK Rowling_

_Saturday 1st__ January 2005 - 6:37pm_

Dear Diary,

This crappy new year, has gone from bad to worse. No thanks Dr freaking West & his stupid ideas. He only went & suggested to my Mom that I should start a fresh, a new, somewhere to begin again, all over. And guess what, she only went & accepted the idea.

So, I'm off to live with Charlie. Great.

Charlie's my dad. He's a chief of police, in this little known town called Forks, in Washington State. I would spend every Summer, there during my Childhood. Although I barely remember it. My memories of it are faded, just like many others before my 11th birthday.

I hate it there.

I didn't say this to my Mom, though. Not that I am able to say anything, but I didn't indicate that I didn't want to go. She gave me it as a choice. But I didn't deny it.

I can't live with the burden I give to my Mom. Not for much longer. And, although I will detest it there. It will be beneficial, to my Mom & Phil at least. They wouldn't have the freak, hanging round their necks anymore. They would be free to live normal lives. Something, they could never live without me.

Something, that I could never live. Me & normality, it couldn't mix.

It rains, a lot in Washington, I remember that. At the very least, in thick clothes & raincoats, in would be easier to hide my scars.

Just like the diary, it won't work. I know it won't. Dr West's ideas never do. But I'll do this. I will do this, diary. For my Mother.

Dr West's theory, is that, if I'm away. Away, from it all. Away, from where it all happened. I'll be able to start a fresh.

I've never heard so much shit, in my life.

It won't make any difference. Not in the slightest. The kids, here in Phoenix are bad enough. I'm used to their jeers at me & their snide comments. But I've been this way for song long now. I'm merely ignored, for the most part.

Forks, will be different. But not in a good way. After my talk with Mom, I went & researched the school. It has just over 300 kids. Less, than in my entire year, here in Phoenix. It will be harder to hide. Much harder. I'll be the freaky new girl, from Phoenix, who doesn't even talk. A laughing stock. The bullies prime target. I can just imagine it now.

I try to kid myself, that everything will be ok. That so how miraculously, I'll find my voice. I even think that I'll be the most popular girl in school. All the girls jealous of me. All the boys cooing over me. I know that's what my Mom wants. Deep, down, as shallow as it may sound I want it too.

At the very least it would be nice to be accepted.

Fat chance.

But I've made my choice. There's no going back now.

Moms cooking Chinese food tonight. It'll be awful. She's experimenting with the wok. But I'll pretend to like it, just like I will pretend to like Forks, just like how I pretend, that I don't wish everyday that my life would end.

I want it more, than ever to end, right now.

Yours

Bella

**Thank you so much for reading. I'm trying to at least get a chapter up a day. I have two other main fics, that I'm currently writing, so some days there will be no chapters, some there will be several. Reviews would certainly be kind. Thank you!**


	4. Sunday 2nd January 2005 2:42pm

**Chapter 5. A little more of an insight, into Bella's suffering. Reviews would definitely be ever so kind. Thank you.**

_Motherly love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. - Marion C. Garretty_

_Sunday 2nd__ January 2005 - 2:42pm_

Dear Diary,

I'm to leave for Washington on Wednesday, that gives me 3 days. 3 days of what I don't know. 3 days of happiness would be wishful thinking. 3 days of peace, was all I hoped for.

Mom, spoke constantly of the move. She talked as If I would suddenly turn normal, by changing state. She seemed to get it in her head, that I would become a cheerleader, or class president or on the debate team. A somebody.

Of course to be any of those, I would have to be normal. But it even made me think. Although I hated myself fork doing so. That if I had been normal. If I had came out 6 years ago, as Suzie & David had. If I would have been any of these. I doubted it.

I am extremely accident prone & to clarify myself as being soft or brittle would be no joke. Cheerleader, hardly fitted me. I was no athlete.

Class President perhaps. But then again perhaps not. I hated speeches, even then. I was shy. Not as shy, as I am now. But shy all the same. The same would go for the debate team. Although, I would hae loved to argue issues,. It would have been to much emphasis on me. I couldn't handle that, even then.

But even this was mere wishful thinking. To be a nobody, but be a normal nobody. For me, the mute freak, would be bliss.

I was sick after breakfast. I made sure to be silent & used the bathroom nearest to my bedroom, furthest away from where my Mom, was in the kitchen. I didn't inform my Mom, of course. She would worry. She always does. I brushed my teeth erratically just to make sure, that any trace of the scent had gone.

After that I stayed in the bathroom, for over an hour. I ran, a hot shower & stood under it. Although I didn't wash my hair or body. I just stood under it.

And I cried.

When the water, was starting to turn to a cold fizz. I got out, wrapping myself in my Moms furry dressing gown. I grabbed hold of my pink razor blade, but I didn't use it. Not in the way I would have done, before. That would be my new years resolution. To stop. To stop my painful addiction. I wonder how long it will last. Hopefully longer than last year. A week.

Mom's made me lunch. A ham & cheese sandwich I'm not eating it. I still feel sick & she's used the granary bread, which tastes like bleach. I've thrown it in the bin instead. Mom will understand. She usually does.

She told me, that Suzie will be over later on. I hope she isn't. Suzie's my best friend & is the only person, besides my Mom, that treats me normal. I don't want to see her, though. Because I know this is one of the last times, I'll see her. And I know seeing her, will make me want to stay more.

And that's the very last thing I need.

Yours

Bella

**Thank you so much, for all the reviews & favourites & alerts & not to mention for merely reading this story. I'm ever so much a happy author. Keep them coming. Thank you. Lion. lovin. lamb **


	5. Sunday 2nd January 2005 11:50pm

**Chapter 5. Hope you like it. After this one, most entries, will be mainly daily. Thanks so much for the support & the reviews. Keep them coming! Enjoy**

_They say dreams are the windows of the soul--take a peek and you can see the inner workings, the nuts and bolts. - Henry Bromel_

_Sunday 2__nd__ January 2005 - 11:50pm_

Dear Diary,

Suzie came over, much to my dismay.

Luckily she only stayed about 2 hours. Titanic, was on cable. We caught it, half way through & decided to watch it. I still managed to cry, when Jack dies. Suzie didn't. Suzie never cries.

I've never mentioned this, but when I see someone dieing in the movies or a tv programme or even in the newspaper or a book, it always reminds me of Melanie. Her cold, pale, face drenched in her own blood, lying immobile on the floor. The image leaks in, as clear, as ever, even though it's been so long.

Suzie talks very little about the move, for which I'm grateful.

"I'll miss you." She said. "You will email." And that was all she talked of the subject.

I nod to her & carry on watching the film. Suzie plays with her cell phone, during it. This annoys me. Sometimes I get the feeling, that Suzie doesn't want to be there. That she's only my friend because of what happened. That like everyone else, she feels sorry for me.

I wrote her a note, asking her about if that was the case in 8th grade. She tore it up & told me I was seriously fucked up. Which was probably true. We didn't speak of it again.

When the film, had finished Suzie took it as her liberty, to switch the channel to a music channel. I don't know which one, I wasn't paying much attention, I had more stuff on my mind. It was blaring rave dance music, which Suzie In the past few months, had become a fan of. A fad. Suzie had a lot of fads.

We talked while the music was playing. Well, Suzie talked, me the abnormal mute, merely listened.

Suzie told me all about her new boyfriend, Cameron, I think his name was. Suzie, has had lots of boyfriends. Some of them can not even be considered the word boy. Some last longer, than others, but most go in a few weeks. Suzie's confident. I'm not.

I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even kissed a boy. Not that I ever will, mind. Dr West, reckons I'm asexual, which means I don't have any feelings towards men or women. He's wrong. Big surprise. I don't care for any of the boys at school. Sure some are good looking. Some more than good looking. But most of them are immature. Little Boys as Suzie would say. Even the ones that aren't don't appeal to me. I'm certain I don't appeal to them. Who would want to date Bella Swan - the freak?

But that doesn't mean, that its impossible for me to love. Does it? I constantly read books, like Pride & Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Romeo & Juliet & Sense & Sensibility, just to imagine having love like that. It gives me, that little bit of hope. Although, it will probably never happen.

Suzie explains to me sometimes, what boys do to her. Most of the time, it's too disgusting for words, but other times, it sounds so beautiful, so romantic, so natural.

She doesn't delve much into the topic tonight, thankfully. She seems more interested that he owns a Porsche convertible & has a six pack, than anything else. I do love Suzie, I truly do, but often I get the inkling that she can be very vain. But I can't be choosy with friends. She's one of the few that I have.

When Suzie left, I went to go see Mom & Phil, in the living room. They were kissing, on the sofa. Nothing else, just kissing. And for that brief moment, where they didn't notice me, I wanted more than anything, to be in their very position. Kissing the one I loved the most. Again another simple, everyday yet impossible fantasy of mine, that would never come true.

When they saw me, they pulled away, straight away. That annoyed me, more. The guilt I could read, from their faces.

I went to bed then. Not to sleep, obviously. Since I've got older, I've not needed hardly as much sleep, as I did. That's because the nightmares come, when I'm a sleep. They come at least once, twice a week. Sometimes more. A few months after the accident, I had them every night. They've become less & less, over the years, but they're still inevitable. They can't be avoided when they come.

More than likely, one will come tonight. I was lucky to avoid one yesterday, but I doubt I'd get the same luck twice in a row.

Here's to another sleepless night.

Yours

Bella

**Chapter 6, up as soon as possible. Thank you for reading. Reviews would be lovely. x**


	6. Monday 3rd January 2005 5:25pm

**Chapter 6. Thanks for reading & thank you so much for the reviews. Keep them coming. Thank you!**

_A brave man dies but once, a coward many times._ - _Native American Proverb_

_Monday 3rd January 2005 - 5:25pm_

Dear Diary,

Today, started off as merely boring. More than boring, in fact. It was monotonous. On days, like this, I find it hardest to forget. That's because of days like this, my mind tends to wander. And end up in the same place, it always does.

I decided to take a walk. Take up as much, sunshine as I could, while I still had the chance. Mom, made me an adventurous pack lunch, an attempt at homemade sushi with a slab of what looked like strawberry cheesecake. I didn't eat it. It didn't seem edible. I threw it to the birds, instead.

I ended up in the park. Big mistake. A group of freshman were hanging around, passing around a joint by the swings. I tried to walk past them but they noticed me straight away. The shouted stuff across. I ignored them as much as possible, but in the background I could still here their words. "Freak." "Speechless Swan." "Say, something bitch" were among their favourites.

There was a small one, about a head smaller than his friends, who had a particular gob on him. I knew him barely from school, his brothers in my year. His real names Connor, but they call him Con man, for obvious reasons.

"Oi, bitch." He shouted. And he kept on screaming those words, until I could take it no longer & turned to face him.

"Word around is your being sent away. Loony Bin is it, you freak. That's what you deserve bitch. Maybe they'll do you & everyone else favour & you'll have an _accident _like friend." Were his exact words.

I ran all the home & Into my bathroom. Then I reached for my razor blade. The only way to get away from all this misery. I had lasted just over a day. My new years resolution was broken.

I'm lying in my bed now. Waiting for Mom, to return from the shop. She won't see the fresh cut, it's hidden under my short leg. She won't worry. I'll make sure of it.

I'm writing now to escape, from the memories, that are taking me in. But even now as I write, I can still see Melanie, her dead body, next to me. My hands smothered in her blood. Like a movie, playing in front of my eyes. Only, this movie, has parts cut out of it. Blanks. Parts where it all goes black.

I wish I could remember, just even a little bit. Maybe then I will begin to make peace with myself.

But for now, I want the most, for the world to just swallow me whole. Maybe that boy in the park was right, maybe I would be doing everyone a favour if I were dead.

But I'm too cowardly, to ever go that far. That shows how much of a coward, I really am.

Yours

Bella

**Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading. Reviews will be extremely gratifying. x**


	7. Tuesday 4th January 2005 10:33pm

**Chapter 7! Enjoy!**

_Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command. - Alan Watts_

_Tuesday 4__th__ January 2005 - 10:33pm_

Dear Diary,

Last full day here in Phoenix. I'm packed & ready to go. That's what makes it, that bit more scarier. It's getting closer, I can feel it. Only hours now. The very thought, makes me, want to hurl again.

It was my last session with Dr West this morning. One thing, I suppose, I should be grateful for. He bought me a goodbye present. Obviously chosen by his wife. It was a little gold charm bracelet. The rather expensive type, that you got in fancy jewellers. Quite pretty really. I will never wear it, though. Mainly for the fact, that he had bought it. It felt like charity. I don't like charity.

David came over too. Not for long though. It couldn't have been more than half an hour. He's no mute freak David, but he's not much of a talker either. He, prefers to write poetry & play his guitar. He wears black often, though denies all accounts that he's a goth.

Most of his poetry & songs are sad, like him. Like me, Melanie's death, had taken a toll on David. Though he never spoke of it. He loved Melanie, in the different sort of way, that me & Suzie had. The way, I dreamed of feeling of someone someday.

He misses school often, but nobody ever asks where he goes. Nobody has too. The main reason Melanie's grave is so well kept is because of David.

All of these things add up in school & make him, as big as a reject as me. Although for some reason, this doesn't bother him. Nor does it bother Suzie, who could be popular, if she wanted to but instead hangs with us two. Though it bothers me, every waking second.

David, wrote me a song. Which was very sweet of him. I wish I could love David. I mean really love David. And the same for him to me. But we will never be more than friends. My heart is still searching & his belongs to a girl, who died 6 years ago. Life was unfair.

I spent the rest of the day, with Mom. We watched old bewitched reruns, on the television & then when she an Indian takeaway whilst Phil, was out with his friend.

She didn't speak much. Mainly small talk. The weather, tv, celebrities, that sort of thing. It can very hard to talk to a mute. I know that. It can be even harder, to talk to a teenage emotional wreck of a mute.

It was perfect the way it was though. I will miss her, more than anything in the world. And she will miss me I'm sure too. But this will be good for her. I hope.

We went to bed, early after that. We have an early start tomorrow. The very thought, of the whole move, still makes my whole body tremor. Nobody knows what the future will bring.

My life is going to change, diary. That's inevitable. Whether it will for better or for worse, time can only tell.

Personally, my moneys on worse.

Yours

Bella

**Ok, that was chapter 7. Reviews would be go kind people. I love them ever so much. X**

**Oh & also, I'm unsure, whether to make the fic unhuman or as the Cullens as Vampires. I'd like to know, your opinions. Thanks x**


	8. Wednesday 5th January 2005 9:15am

**Chapter 8! Last entry in Phoenix. Reviews would be ever so appreciated. Enjoy! x**

_The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else. - Umberto Eco_

_Wednesday 5th__ January 2005 - 9:15am_

Dear Diary,

This will be my final entry here in Phoenix. The next time you hear from me, I'll be in Forks. The thought of that makes me feel sick. Though I've already been twice this morning.

I can't sleep. The son is shining through my blinds, where it is rising. This, combined with the feeling now lurking in my stomach makes it impossible for sleep to com again.

I dreamt of her last night - Melanie that is. It was about time. I was beginning to think, the nightmares were starting to disappear, but again, that would be wishful thinking.

In my dream, she was a dancer in a show. Though the real Melanie, couldn't dance, she was almost as much as a klutz as me. But in my dream she was. And me, Suzie & David, were spectators at the show. It was utterly breath taking. She looked like an angel. But then just as she was ending it all, with a magnificent lift, the image changed again. It changed. To one that I knew too well. To a one that creeps into all my nightmares. Her, motionless. Dead.

I woke up then, as I usually do. The fright, has shook me & I'd soaked the sheets of my bedding with my sweat. I ran to the bathroom & was immediately sick. I lay on to floor in the bathroom then. Calming myself, letting body temperature return to normal. I fell back to sleep then. Dreamlessly. The best way.

Phil found me. He didn't say anything to my Mom - for which I was immensely grateful. Phil's only been my step dad a few months & I know the whole concept of how I am, discomforts him. He never says, but I know what he's thinking. We barely see each other. If I weren't for my Mother, we'd be complete strangers. But I know that he loves her & she him too. So I'm happy for them both. At least they'll have each other now.

I got dressed then. I wasn't exactly sure what to wear. If I wore something too warm, the heat would be unbearable in Phoenix & if I wore something too flesh baring, then the cold would surely get to me in Washington. I decided on my favourite top, a little lace white shirt, bought by my Mom. I'd wear it as a sort of goodbye gesture. I'm taking my parker, for Forks though.

It's sunny now, outside my window. This'll be the last time, I'll be able to enjoy the sunshine. But I've decided to stay indoors anyhow. Say my goodbyes, to the house, to my Mother, to as close to normality as I'm going to get.

I have to leave in 5 minutes. I can not explain how much I will miss Phoenix. But there's no turning back now.

Even I'm not that cowardly.

Yours

Bella

**So, that's chapter 8. The rest of the fic, will be in Forks. You'll be hearing from the Cullens pretty soon, do not worry about that. Oh & also just so you know, I've decided to write the Cullen's as vampires. =D Reviews would be really appreciated. I jump for joy when I notice them in my inbox - no joke. Thank you!**


	9. Wednesday 5th January 2005 9:52pm

**Chapter 9. Sorry this took awhile. Been busy with Easter & all. Enjoy! Oh & please if you can review.**

_Life is just one damned thing after another. - Elbert Hubbard_

_Wednesday 5th__ January 2005 - 9:52_

Dear Diary,

Well, I'm finally here. Now, a citizen of Forks, Washington - Joy!

It took awhile. The journey, was tediously boring. To be expected I suppose.

It was very hard to leave my Mother at the airport. She blubbered with tears & practically strangled me with bear hugs. She bought me, almost the entire stock of the airport gift shop to eat in Departures. I would only take a bite of the muffin & a sip of the coke. But it was the thought that counts - right?

The very last hug, was the worse. I guessed this should have been expected too. I had kept up a brave face all day, even trying yet I have to admit failing to look happy, yet at this very last moment I couldn't help crying in sink, with my Mother. At that very moment, all the coward inside me wanted was to turn around & stay back home. But I was determined that the coward wouldn't win.

It was hard though. Very hard. Even Phil, who is still virtually a stranger to me, was sad upon my departure. I hugged him also, but it was awkward. I guess some things can't change.

I then took, 2 planes. One from Phoenix to Seattle. Then one more, a tiny claustrophobic thing, to this town called Port Angeles. The first was a giant passenger plane. It was very noisy & I wasn't able to watch the in-flight film, without being distracted by screaming little kids or an overly helpful Air hostess.

There was this man next to me. I vaguely remembering him telling me his name was Ben. He was fairly old at least in his 70s. He kept trying to talk to me. Just small talk. I felt so sorry for him. He obviously had no one & just wanted some company. Which I couldn't give to him. After a while he gave up & fell asleep. Although even during slumber, I couldn't help, but feel the vibes of anger coming from him.

Then there was the stewardess. If I'm totally frank, I didn't share the same sympathy with her, as I did the old man. She kept asking me if I wanted anything. Then when I shook my head, she kept on asking me. As if to be sarcastic. Then laughed, when I blushed more & more. She seemed to enjoy it. Luckily, I was saved from the wrath of the psychotic bitch, when the women behind me asked for a Pepsi.

Thankfully, the next flight was much shorter & I was interrupted at all. The women, sitting next to me, sat with headphones on the whole time & to my knowledge a stewardess didn't even come round. I was safe.

After that was probably the worst of all. I had an hour long drive with Charlie. He spoke, a little but luckily Charlie isn't much of a talker. I guess that was something I'd inherited from him. Great. The rest was just awkwardness. He seemed to think he should say something, but he didn't know exactly what. And I wished that just for once, I could say something, just to pass the time. That hour seemed like forever.

I did get something out of it I suppose. Charlie's bought me a car. Well more of a truck really. It's red I know that. And old. But that's about it. I'm not sure whether to be happy or sad about it. The prospect of having my own truck was perfect. But then the thought still lingers in my mind. I'm enough of an outcast as it is, without riding around in this big antique truck. I can't complain. It was really nice f Charlie.

Charlie made dinner, although I would have preferred to, as it appeared that it would just have to be a fry up. Joy. Then after dinner, he left me in my room. Gave me some space. Another good thing about Charlie.

I don't really know what to do with myself though. It's raining. And I mean really raining. And cold. Really cold. I would email Mom, but I have nothing to say. Charlie's bought me a second hand computer & modem, another grateful present, but I'm not too keen on using that right now either.

The one thing, I'm putting off is to cry. I will do. I know I will, but I'd rather leave it until late into the night, when Charlie can't hear me. I want him to think I like it here. I mean, he's been nothing but nice.

But every single moment I spend here, I'm just hating it more. I'll never get used to this weather. And all this green - it bugs me for some reason. And Charlie, no matter how nice he's been, can't replace my Mom.

Then not all of this can even come close, to the prospect of joining forks high school. Not only will I be the new girl. Not even the new girl, with rumours & history. The daughter of the chief of police & his flighty runaway wife. No, the whole mute thing, would probably be the most strange thing about me. Unless miraculously mutism, becomes the height of cool, which I very much doubt. I will be considered how I was in Phoenix - the freak. Only this time it will be worse, I'll be the new girl freak.

Yes, I have all this to look forward to & more. At least no more meetings with Dr Frickin-Evil-Witch-of-theWest, anymore. That's got count as bonus points somehow.

But even that doesn't even make me happy. How frickin sad must I be, I can't even rejoice in that.

This has been a great start.

Yours

Bella

**That's it. Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading & please people if you can pretty please with Edward on top leave a review, that would be super super as well. x**


	10. Thursday 6th January 2005 3:37am

**Chapter 10! Reviews would be ravishing. You hear that ravishing. Please Enjoy! Thanks!**

_The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. - Harriet Beecher Stowe_

_Thursday 6__th__ January 2005 - 3:37am_

Dear Diary,

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I can't sleep. It's way to early to be even considered appropriate morning, but I don't care. Today, is gonna be tough. If I manage to make it through today, I'll be able to handle anything. That's all I need to do. Just tackle today head on. And then everything will be ok. Well not per se ok, but as near enough to ok, as its going to get in this shit hole. I hope.

Last night, was better than I thought. I cried only for a few hours. Charlie didn't stir once, thankfully. I managed to cry myself to sleep, luckily. Even more luckier, I didn't dream. Though I've only managed about an hour or so of actually deep sleeping. So perhaps that doesn't count.

I'm absolutely exhausted, but there's no way I'm gonna fall asleep now. I wouldn't be able to. And I don't want to either. They last thing I need is to wake up late, on my first day at school.

What am I going to do? That's the big question. People are going to find out about me, sooner or later. And more than likely it will be sooner. Well, I'd rather have them, think I was a mute freak at least, than just plain rude. Maybe it would do be better if someone just shouted out through the PDA - if they even have one those here. Then at least they'd be warned. Though as much as I think about it, I reckon they probably already know. Fricking small town gossip.

I can imagine the school, though I've never been in my life. It'll be a cliquey, with all kids sitting at like assigned lunch tables. Everybody will know everybody. Everybody will know everything. Rumours spread quickly & easily. Great. Just great. Sounds like my idea of fun. I means it not even the start of the semester, Ill be a great source of rumour. I may not have a particularly great social life, but I know what other teens are like. Generally - bitchy.

Maybe, in this weird town, I may not be the only freak. I mean that certainly would explain a lot. I may shock horror may even find a friend. Though I very much doubt that. If I couldn't find my equal in a class of 3000, even with Suzie & David, I sure the hell won't be able to find one hear. Oh well, so much for dreaming.

If I just keep my head down, maybe, hopefully I will just be ignored. Being ignored was an advantage to being jeered. Whoever said "That sticks & stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you" was wrong. Seriously wrong. I'd take any bash with sticks & stones or whatever else they've got than the words of my peers through my middle school years. What that junked up little freshman said the other day, was nothing, to back then.

I've restarted my new years resolution. I'm determined not to break it this time, however its proving ever more difficult having to live here. Is it just me or does the weather has some effect on your weather as well?

But I will stop. It's not right. I know it's not. But just everything seems to add up & its seems that I _have to. I don't understand. I just do. _

_My razor is still locked in my suitcase - where it belongs. _

_No matter how depressed I am diary. No matter how home sick I get. I'm giving this awful addiction up. _

_Funny, I don't even believe myself._

_Let's see what today brings._

_Yours_

_Bella_


	11. Thursday 6th January 2005 11:01pm Part1

**This is a very long chapter so for the benefit, of you readers I've split it in half to part 1 & 2. Both part of the same diary entry though, The closest chapter to the actual book. Reviews would lovely Enjoy!**

_Distraction can be beneficial to us all. As there is only a fine line of reality & fantasy. - Unknown_

_Thursday 5__th__ January 2005 - 11:01_

Dear Diary,

As much expected today was crap. But it was more than crap, it was I don't really how to explain. It was awful & yet strange & at one point even quite frightening. To be frank, it was really quite weird. One point in particular.

It didn't start well. When I first drove into the parking lot, hardly anyone was there. A good point, as then no one was glaring at me. A bad point, as those who did see, would immediately get the impression I was over keen. Never a good impression in high school.

The high school, itself, wasn't quite so bad. It was all these tiny brick buildings, that looked more like houses than anything else & they were all labelled with a number. There was no security, no fences, no graffitied walls. And it surrounded by lush forest. Very pretty. But too unfamiliar to feel like school to me

Then this women, Mrs Cope. She wasn't a teacher, just a receptionist I think. Sort of took it as her job, to protect me. You could easily guess the reason why. She'd been busily reading some sort of fashion magazine, until she noticed me in the office. Then suddenly she was playing mother hen.

I had the feeling she didn't act this way with other new students, which made me even more ticked off. She flurried around me, giving me all of these pieces of paper, which I sure of hell didn't need. She gave me a map of the school, but I wasn't much use to me.

She then turned on the sympathetic approach. Uurrgh the worst kind. She kept asking me questions, constantly. I wanted to go back & sit, possibly cry, in my truck, but that wasn't going to happen. Funnily enough, all the questions were simples yes or no questions. Of course she was trying to not offend me, but by doing so she actually was offending me. She didn't seem to have grasped the concept that I was dumb, not mentally impaired.

She led me to my first class. English. At least I English was a subject I reasonably enjoyed. More writing, less talking. Something, that I could relate to.

Didn't stop them staring though, did it? Sure the hell, it didn't. And the whispering there was constant whispering. They seemed to think I was deaf as well. At this point I wish I was.

Of course they already knew about my errr condition. What did I expect? It was probably one of their biggest topics of discussion. It was today anyhow.

Being sat at the very back of the classroom in silence on my own, I picked up snippets of what they were all saying. "Weird.", "Wonder how?" "Is true she lost her voice box?" Jeesh, idol gossip. It sickened me sometimes.

Most of it seemed genuine to be fair, until I heard the conversation of the two girls to my left.

One of them with blond hair & a nasally voice had said. "Wonder, what other freak shows this schools gonna bring in next?"

I didn't listen for the rest, that was all she had to say. That was all that she needed to say. Like, I honestly thought I would, get away with just that.

The rest of the morning blurred. More gossip. It got worse as the day progressed. Where as at the start most had been kindly yet annoyingly sympathetic, they now believed that I was doing it for attention & yes the word freak, was bunched up in there several times too. At least no one, had said, anything to my face…yet. I couldn't decide if this was a good or bad thing.

This boy with blond hair, did wink (at least I think it was a wink, then again, it could've been an involuntary blink) at me after English. More than likely it was a joke. Maybe a random act of kindness. I don't know why, but I hoped to god that it wasn't flirting. Though I'm still not entirely sure, why I'm disappointed about this. Before, I would have hoped the other way a round.

A girl spoke to me in Spanish as well. But I couldn't help think, that she was doing it on purpose & wasn't being genuine. I couldn't be too picky though. Friends here, were most definitely going to be few & far between.

She wrote me a note. I wasn't exactly sure to be thankful for that or not. It seemed a little too obvious. She didn't write her name or anything just:

_Hi, So like, why don't you speak?_

Not exactly the welcome committee, but she'd been the first to ask. I wasn't sure how to reply to her, so I just wrote back simply.

_Long story. I'd rather not talk about it._

She didn't like my answer it was obvious, but I could hardly start delving into the dead, with a girl I'd knew literally for 5 minutes.

She did write back though.

_Oh ok, maybe another time. So why'd you move to forks?_

And so it went on. Most of it was mainly a bunch of lies, made up by me. I told her I moved to Forks, to give my Mother some space, which was I suppose technically true. I was never a good liar, before, when I could talk, but you'd be amazed how easy it is, to lie on a piece of paper.

Still I don't think she quite believed me, but it was the longest conversation (well sort of conversation) I'd had all day. Not quite homecoming queen, but it was a start, at the very least.

Lunch, came quickly thankfully, but it was immensely…well weird if I'm honest.

I bought my lunch quickly. Luckily the food here, looks almost edible. I headed off to an empty lunch table. I was no way, going to sit with my gossip class mates. Not by choice anyway. But then the curly haired girl, from Spanish, seemed to spot me & direct me towards her friends table.

Again she was too overly friendly & false, but I accepted anyway. She seemed resolute to guide me away from this particular table. At the time, I could not think of a reason particularly why.

It was a big mistake, sitting at that table. Practically all the girls on it, stared at me. Some snickered & whispered & they weren't at all shy about it either. That really pissed me off.

I looked away from them, that was my best bet, so I kept my eyes, on the table I had headed to & now wished that I had sat there. Alone, seemed better than this.

I did soon realise, why this table was out of bounds.

….

**So, this was the 1****st**** half. The 2****nd**** half will carry on. Please Review, if you can. I do love to receive them. Thanks. **


	12. Thursday 6th January 2005 11:01pm Part2

**Second half of this diary entry. Review if you can pretty please. Enjoy!**

About 5 minutes, after we'd sat down, five people walked into the room. I immediately, took them as the populars, the in crowd, whatever. But what was really weird, was the fact, that they were completely & utterly ignored by their peers. They seemed just as outcast as me. That didn't add up.

Because, well to put it bluntly they were all inhumanly beautiful. Every single one them, belonged on the catwalk. It was strange, I've never been so mesmerized & yet so intrigued by a group of people in the world.

They were all so different though, that was the thing. There was this real scary looking guy, he was burly, tall & had thick curly hair. Then there was a tall, yet stocky, blond boy, who's facial expression I couldn't quite fathom. The only remaining boy, was still tall, yet more lanky yet bulky than the other two & he had this strange coloured brownish-red hair.

Next, was the two girls. A beautiful, curvaceous blonde, the type that often appears on the cover of vogue & then this tiny little girl, with raven spiky hair. All different, yet all shared the same dark black eyes.

It was odd diary, normally I tried not to look at people, for any amount of time, but today diary, it was if I was paralysed in awe of these people. And believe it or not that's not even the strangest part.

Apparently, I wasn't being too secretive about my new strangely found fascination, with these people. The nasally, blonde from English, noticed. Of course she did.

"Oh my god. She's looking at the Cullen's." She had said.

This girl, obviously had no fricking idea how to whisper. The curly haired girl, seemed to find this quite amusing. She went down then in my estimations.

She seemed too find the need to gossip, about them, though. She must have got tired with gossiping about me or something.

"Oh hon, they're the Cullen's. I would so not bother. They're all like together."

This was odd & extremely confusing, she went on anyway.

"And I mean like together, as in together."

I knew precisely what that meant, but it didn't stop me staring at them.

Another girl, this time a fairly tall one, one who had surprisingly although the lunch, had spoken very little, especially next to her classmates, spoke this time. This time being more fair, to the obvious outcasts.

"What she means is, they're adopted. Well the Cullen's are that's the 3 non-blondes. Emmett, he's the bigger one. He's with Rosalie Hale, the blond girl, she's like their foster child. And Alice, that's the girl with the dark hair is with Jasper, the other blonde. And then theirs Edward…"

For some reason the curly haired talkative one decided to talk over the nicer girl & in a high soprano voice at that.

"Yeah, but apparently he doesn't. Hmmm."

That made me chuckle I had to admit. I knew exactly want the bitter tone of that meant. He had obviously let her down, at some point.

I learned little else about them, apart from three of them were seniors & the other two Alice & Edward, were juniors & that they had moved here from Alaska, about 2 years ago.

Somewhere through the conversation, the bronze haired boy, Edward, looked straight at me. He didn't seem in awe or gossiping like the rest of the population. No if anything he looked confused. I stared at him, back for a few seconds, until I realised stupidly what I was doing & turned away & blushed. He unfortunately looked away too. I couldn't help but feel like a giddy little child. I was embarrassed by it all. This wasn't me.

From the way, everyone spoke of them, they were obvious outsiders, outcasts. Maybe even go as far as freaks. Compared to everyone else. They didn't fit in. But somehow I wished for them, to fit in, rather than me. It just seemed that they meant to, but something had went wrong. Whereas me, I would always be a lost cause.

Lunch, finished soon after that thankfully. That was another gossiping to last me a last time. And all those stares & whispers. They really creeped me out. That would be the last time I would sit at that table, I'm sure of it. I'd rather sit on my own. I'd rather…No that's silly.

Believe it or not diary, this isn't the part that still makes my skin crawl, just thinking about it. It's this very next part. Something that I don't quite get, perhaps I'm being paranoid, but then again perhaps not.

It was in biology. I wasn't too bothered by biology. I'd had it as an AP class in Phoenix, so it didn't seem like it would be such a problem, work wise. Besides by now the gossip, was decreasing, if only slightly.

No it wasn't that about biology, it was something else entirely.

Mr Banner, the biology teacher, one of the few teachers names I could actually remember, sent me this time to an assigned seat.

I guess, I should have only known, even by now, who'd be sitting at the desk alone. At least, which family.

Yes, my biology partner was Edward Cullen.

But that wasn't the weird bit, about it. Not even close. Its was more his reaction.

When I walked towards, the table, he suddenly tensed up, as if in reaction to something. I couldn't help think it was me.

And then he never relaxed his position, the whole time. His jaw clenched, his eyes dark & moody, his fists rolled tightly into balls.

It was all very weird. I couldn't even help feel a little terrified. But also being this close, I couldn't help myself, but believe that was also very beautiful as well.

But I could never quite get out of my head - Was it because of me?

Surely not, I didn't even know him. But I just had the feeling. He had tensed at the moment he had saw me. Surely that had meant something. Or maybe I'm just over evaluating?

Maybe he was always like this. But that didn't seem quite so possible.

After that was gym. Awful, yet a breath of fresh air after that experience. I didn't have to change - thank god. They would soon learn that the mute girl, was an awful klutz. Just another reason, they could add to the list of how I'm a freak. Joy!

I saw him again after gym, at the very end of the day. All I had to do was give in my form, back to Mrs Cope, the over helpful receptionist. And then freedom. Yeah if only I'd been so lucky.

He was there in the office & I caught the last part of their conversation.

"…Can't you change it to anything. Physics, Biochemistry, anything."

A girl then walked, past me in the entrance & he somehow then knew I was there, though surely he couldn't see me. He tensed up again like he did before.

It really quite terrified me, to tell the truth. I felt like a rush of cold, from my head down to my toes.

He walked past me & almost glared. It was terrifying, yet immensely stunning.

I practically ran to give, Mrs Cope her note, then back into the truck, then home.

Once, I was in my bedroom, I was to let it all out. To cry. I cried, more than I had this whole week, which I didn't even think possible, but I did.

I stopped by the time, Charlie was home & we enjoyed yet another fry up together. Then I lied & told him I had homework & locked myself in my room for the rest of the night.

I stay just lay here, on my bed. Crying. Occasionally I'd get bored & pick pictures out of the ceiling or I'd pick up one of my well thumbed classics, to distract myself. But mainly I cried.

Of the weird, awful, terrifying & down right strange things that had happen today, I'd forgotten one subject until now. I had never forgot this subject for this long before. It didn't seem natural.

Somehow Edward Cullen, had distracted me from Melanie, for the first time ever.

There's obviously more to this boy than meets the eye. I don't know how, but I must confront him.

Yours

Bella

**Second half finished. Hope you liked it. There's plenty more where that came from. Thank you for reading. Review if you can. =D**


	13. Friday 7th January 2005 7:46pm

**Chapter 13! Up & Ready. Hope you like. Review if you can, pretty please. x**

_There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. - Friedrich Nietzsche - German Philosopher_

_Friday 7__th__ January 2005 - 7:46pm_

Dear diary,

Today was shit. Seriously. Blasphemy was much needed then. It rained. A lot. Oh joy what a big surprise. In fact it poured down. The forks kids were used to it. I wasn't. It just didn't seem natural.

School was better in ways, but in other ways worse. Most people had become accustomed to me by now & apparently due to some senior having an abortion or something I really was yesterdays new. Still didn't stop the gossip though.

In fact, in a way it was worse. The school seemed to have divided its self into sympathising me & hating me. Though, all seemed to think, that it was best to avoid me. That probably was for the best. A few boys fought it would be funny to pull away my chair, during Government. And this little sophomore girl, who had more than likely been dared by her friends, had apparently went through the whole day, without speaking. Apparently I was making an influence. That really pissed me off.

What was worse as even some of my teachers ridiculed me. The only teacher, I had had a problem with back in Phoenix, was Ms Keller who taught us for PE & I personally think, that was more for me being uncoordinated than a mute.

This one teacher Mr Varner, possibly a bigger asshole than Dr West, decided to ask me question in Trig. Then silence the whole class until I answered. One that I would no way in hell have been able to answer, in such a time anyway. And two, there's that one tincy little problem. I can't speak. He was what Suzie would call a Grade A A-hole.

Then in Spanish, the teacher treat me like I was about 6. She spoke to me as If I was simple, slowly & clearly & that was just in English. She didn't seem to think It was to my ability to speak Spanish. At one point I felt like smacking the bitch, which is a lot to say, as as it is I wouldn't really myself a very violent person.

And then there was gym. Ridicule in it's self. Volleyball, ugh could you get much worse. The blonde guy, who winked at me yesterday, who I now know as Mike, played on the same team as me & amazingly we won, not by my behalf obviously. I whacked the ball several times on to his head, but he didn't seem to mine. I'm actually beginning to feel, this guy might actually be genuine. But then again not. I've had people be like with me before, then totally try to embarrass me. Part of being a freak - trust no one.

What made it worse. Ten times worse. Just when I thought that the day couldn't get any worse. He didn't show. That bastard didn't show. He didn't come to school. Edward Cullen, of course.

I had anticipated & I don't know why, all morning to see him. I mean it wasn't like I could exactly talk to him. But I was still weirdly nervous, excited & angry, to confront him.

And then a no show.

All of his family were there, sitting at lunch, acting as if everything was the same.

He could have been ill, I supposed. I mean that's reasonable, but I can't help think it was something else. In fact I can't help thinking that it's somehow connected to yesterday.

I mean, surely he didn't always act like that. Or did he. Maybe that was, why he was so much of an outcast. But I remember him at lunch with his family & it was like he was a completely different person.

I know, I'm probably overreacting but I can't query over this guy. He's a mystery I can't quite figure out. I shouldn't obsess this much about a person. It's unhealthy.

But if anything, this beautiful yet strange boy was the kind of distraction I needed. If I was going to try & sort myself out. Stop my awful habit at the very least.

There was also the fact I scared myself, as well, how much I think about him & just him. He seemed to clog my every memory. I haven't thought so much about 1 person, since well Melanie. It's odd, unusual, different from before.

It's terrifying too, but I can't help but feel exhilarated about seeing a person I've only met once. And how I'd been disappointed when he wasn't there.

What's weirdest of all diary. Is that this obsession feels almost normal.

I guess normal for me is strange.

Yours

Bella

**So that's chapter 13. Not the most exciting I know, but it's getting closer & closer, I promise. Looks like its going to be pretty long fic, so far. I'm trying to every date possible. I'll make it happen a little quicker than Twilight, so it isn't too dragging & boring. Ok, so I hope you like it, so far. Thanks for reading. Leave a review if you can. =D X**


	14. Saturday 8th January 2005 8:40pm

**Ok, sorry this took a while to post. Have all the clan over for Easter. You get quite a bit of insight in this next chapter. Not much happens. Bella explains more of her past. My favourite so far. Thank you so much for the reviews. They are much appreciated. And the favourites/alerts aswell. You all rock. Keep them coming. Thanks for reading. Enjoy!**

_What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories. - George Elliott_

_Saturday 8th__ January 2005 - 8:40pm_

Dear Diary,

Weekend. Rain is pouring…heavily. Charlie went fishing. There's nothing to do. And its irrevocably boring.

I want my Mom, so badly, especially now. I'm really starting to miss her. It pains to think of her. I'd usually be spending my Saturday, doing one crazy thing or another, with her. I'd been embarrassed by her hair brained immature attitude. Now I miss it more than ever. There's many things you could say about my Mother. But boring she is not.

I'd at least been out with Suzie or David, if not anyways. Suzie's idea of a fun afternoon, was normally to flirt with the college guys at the local star bucks or try & get into bars. Not exactly, my idea of fun. And I was always a thorn in her side, so to speak. But I'd give anything just to be there with her now.

David, on the other hand, was more content with going to the movies or making mixed tapes. Neither mine or Suzie's idea of fun, either. But I've spent many a Saturday night, stuck watching a horror with David. I really wouldn't mind that right now either.

It makes me think, that perhaps it had not been for the…the accident, then would we still all actually be friends. We're all so different. Mellie, had always been before our main connection.

She'd been my best friend since we were in Kindergarten. She'd shared her milk, with me after I'd spilt mine during snack time. We instantly become friends. We stuck together through the remainder of kindergarten, then through all of elementary & then those first few months together in junior high.

We'd had our fair share of fights & yeah could she be stubborn. But maybe, we could have stuck it through high school & then college & then the rest of our lives together. That is, if it hadn't happened.

Me & her had had it planned from the start. It changed over the years, but it had the main structure through out. We'd be best friends forever - or so the plan. We'd finish high school together. Then we'd both go to the same college. Melanie was more set on Harvard or Princeton, although I was content with the local state school. Then we'd both be extremely successful business women or so Melanie said. She'd be an infamous vet & I'd be something important like a lawyer or doctor (although this would be impossible as of my phobia of blood), it changed from time to time. After this, we'd both get boyfriends, at best twins preferably brothers or best friends. We'd marry them. Not something I was overly keen on, but as time progressed Mellie was immensely so. Then we'd have about 16, or whatever Mellie thought kids. And be rich & retired by the time we were forty.

Huh. A silly childhood fantasy. And it wouldn't even become remotely true now. I always knew that I would never fore fill it. I'd only went along with Mellie's crazy ideas, to keep her happy. Yet, I'd always believed Mellie would. She would have suited that sort of life. It would have suited her. I can imagine her now living that dream. She'll never get to though. And perhaps that's the most upsetting, that she'll never grow up.

David, had became our friend in a different way. He'd always been around, although at first we'd never paid much attention to him. As far as we were concerned, boys were icky & had cooties or whatever. But David, however had always been an outcast. He didn't care for football or basketball & in the early days was always seen with a book, way to thick for a child of his age. He was smart David, very smart, still is & sensible. This didn't go, down so well with our classmates. That changed in the 2rd grade.

These two boys Glen Manskey & Ewan O'Donovan, who would later become two of my taunters, had David pinned up against the wall & were trying to rip his trousers off, to hide them in the trash. I had been embarrassed & wanted to walk away. But Melanie, couldn't agree with this. She walked straight up to them & spat in both their faces. And called then both 'giant turd monkeys' & kicked them in the genitals. Possibly her most finest moment.

David, after then became immediately fascinated with her. He'd hang around with us, everyday after that. At first it got a little on my nerves. But Melanie liked the attention. And after a while, it became clear she liked David too. They became the first real couple in my elementary school. And then in the 4th grade, they even started to kiss. It was weird for me. I didn't really understand it. They were very young & it didn't seem possible. It grossed me out & yet I was still in awe of it. I said yuck every time they kissed, but I would secretly admit, I wanted to exactly the same thing, feel exactly the same way.

I'd always imagined them being together forever. That David, was Mellie's husband from our fantasy. That's another thing, Melanie couldn't ever have. Her happy ending. Her dream white wedding. Even at 7 years old, she had known David was the one for her & her the same to David.

He's never had a girlfriend since. Not anything even close. Suzie offered to kiss him once. Which was wrong of her. He didn't talk to her in days. But then again him & her have never really seen eye to eye. Not even since before the accident.

Suzie, on the other hand, practically invited herself into our group & was our newest member. She'd joined our school in the middle of 5th grade, from Los Angeles. At first, I had to admit, I wasn't Suzie's biggest fan. She used to make up these stories about how she'd met all these celebrities & how she was already doing things with boys. Totally false of course. And merely for attention.

Then she'd often swear at the teachers & start fights between the other kids. She was popular instantly. She was a breath of fresh air in Phoenix. She was blonde, knew things of adult things & even then, she was beautiful. Even her name was different Lasuza Monroe.

But she lost her popularity with in a few weeks. People grew tired of her obvious lies & gossip. And she got into a lot of arguments. Then she fell out with Amber Forsson & her gang, after something about hitting Amber's sister. From what I've heard she deserved it. I'm not entirely sure, though.

She ate lunch alone for the next few days, then got to talking to Mellie, during Math. She followed Melanie to lunch that day. She ate lunch with us, ever since. We soon learned, she wasn't half as bad, as everyone made out. And I began to think of her of a great friend & so did Mellie. Though David, was never too sure.

Just thinking of those days, makes me feel, in a way angry. I want so badly to return to them. I hadn't a care in the world then. Would it be selfish to say, that if anything I just to be normal again. With Melanie & my voice I was normal. It's like she took it, with her & I was never getting it back.

I read a bit today, only a bit of the classics. Stuff I've read hundreds of times. It bored me after a while. I love to read, but all the distractions kept coming & I couldn't concentrate on the page.

Melanie crept into my mind, as always. I saw a girl today, whilst sitting watching Charlie's flat screen, that reminded slightly of her, with small differences. She was an extra on this part in this soap opera. She was at least in her late 20s or 30s. It made me wonder what Mellie would have looked like at that age. I cried at this, but resisted the temptation, to do anything else, anything worse, so to speak. Mellie will never be that way. Nothing can bring her back. I'll have to accept that.

Although, she wasn't entirely on my mind. Which should worried me, but it didn't. I couldn't help but think of the boy from biology. Edward. Edward Cullen. Even now I'm still baffled at his strange reaction. And even more baffled by his even stranger disappearance.

Could this all have possibly something to do with me?

And if so?

How?

I kept seeing things that reminded me of him, a game that occasionally came into my head. But It had always been for Mellie. It was strange & certainly not normal, how much I thought about him. I mean I'd only seen him once. But I couldn't help myself. It just happened.

When I'd done the washing up the plates were a sparkly albino white, which I couldn't help but compare to his luminous white skin. Then as I'd been taking out the washing, a black sweater had reminded me, of his dark angry eyes. And then whilst in the shower, washing my hair, I thought of his, not quite red & not quite brown. A perfect mix of both. Unusual.

Perhaps what was strangest of all, of how much I had taken in of this stranger. Considering we'd only spent an hour together & I'd avoided his gaze for practically the entire proximity of it, I'd noticed a lot. An awful lot. A scarily amount of a lot.

I daren't tell Suzie of this. She wouldn't understand. She's my best friend, but even she would tease me. Mom or Charlie, no way, talking boys with them, was a big no no. And anyways they'd take it the whole wrong way & think it was something else. Which it isn't. At least I don't think. I can't be sure. David, I could, he'd understand I'm sure, although you couldn't really talk about this all with your guy best friend could you? Rather uncomfortable situation.

I wonder what Melanie would make of all of this? Would she approve? She'd at least, be able to tell me, if It were normal or not. Although I know that answer now - it isn't. As if I need another excuse to be called a freak.

Yours

Bella

Ps: I've noticed, I called Melanie, Mellie. My private nickname for her. I haven't mentioned that in 6 years. It makes good to though. As if, in some small part, she's still here.

**So that's chapter 14. Next one up in the next day or so. You'll tend to find, on days Bella isn't doing much, I'll give you a lot more insight into her past. Just a hint. Hope you liked it. Keep the reviews coming, there fantabulous! **


	15. Sunday 9th January 2005 4:52am

**Before anything I'd like to dedicate this fic to x TWILIGHT x OBSESSED x** **who has been an extremely prolific reviewer of mine & has given me such great ideas for the fic as well. Thank you, I am eternally grateful. So this is for you.**

**Thanks for the reviews & favourites & alerts so far. And also of course, thanks for reading.**

**Chapter 15. Reviews would be fabulous. Enjoy!**

"_When friendships are real, they are not glass threads, or frostwork, but the solidest things we know. A friend is the first person who come in when the whole world has gone out." - Unknown Author_

_Sunday 9th__ January 2005 - 4:52am_

Dear Diary,

I can't sleep. Big Surprise.

I woke too early. Way too early. It was still dark out, but the rain had made me restless & the birds were getting increasingly annoying. Charlie, was all oblivious, snoring away in the next room. In away his snoring, made it almost homely, like a memory of long ago. And I guess it really was long ago, it was nearly 17 years, since my Mother had left with me from this very house.

There wasn't much to do, not if I didn't want to wake Charlie, so I decided to check my emails. I have my own computer here, which is lucky. I'd always had to share my Mom & Phil's back home. Very embarrassing, especially when I was having one of those conversations with Suzie. Which knowing Suzie would be often.

Though my Mom, was desperate for us to keep in touch & as I'm not too good on the phone, had begged Charlie to set one up. It's no where near high tec, at least 3 or 4 years old. And a phone line, had to be installed & stapled to the carpet, for the internet. But all the same, it's my own.

It's slow though. Extremely. When I finally, managed to get on there, I had quite a few messages Unusual, especially for me. Most of course, were from my Mom. "How are you?", "How's school?", "Are you eating?", that sort of thing.

I answered back, of course. Completely lying. Only short & sweet. Didn't want to do it. I think, that would have made it too obvious. Not that my Mom, wouldn't already have guessed anyways. She knew me all too well. But I tried anyhow.

Hi Mom, I'm good. School is fine. Yes, of course I'm eating. Weather is awful, But Can't exactly complain. Yours Bella.

Ok, so it's total crap & apart from the weather part, not a single bit true. But I have to try to pretend to like it, for my Moms sake. If I admit, to despising it here, then she'll come back straight for me. And that would be letting the selfish coward of me win. Not allowing my Mom, the happiness that she deserved. No, the coward can't win.

The next was from Suzie. At least with her I could be frank. The same way she could with me. Her message was a little less worrying. Which made me feel better. But also worse ,did she not even miss me. Out of sight, Out of mind. That's what they say. It read:

Boo, babes. Bored shitless. School is so crap. David's being an ass. No surprise. Dumped that asshole. Long story. How's the rain? The weathers been fab. You coping? Any hot guys? Guess they're all . Not like you'd notice anyway. Loves you Suze. 

Typical Suzie. Grammar errors no end. Swear word in every sentence. And, filled with sarcasm. At least, if anything I knew that she hadn't changed. I replied with more honesty this time, though I couldn't help being sarcastic as I did. Something about her message, had seriously pissed me off, though I didn't quite know what.

Weather shit of course. Hate my school. It's really small. I hate the kids. All seriously strange. And the teachers are freaks. Seriously. I'm coping though, I guess. It could be worse? Right? So what happened between you two? Was it you or him? Speak to you later. Love Bella

The next was from David, naturally. Short, soft & poetic, was David's nature. And I wasn't disappointed.

"When friendships are real, they are not glass threads, or frostwork, but the solidest things we know. A friend is the first person who come in when the whole world has gone out." I saw this on this internet & this reminded me of you. You are much missed here, Bella. I hope you are liking Forks? How is school & your Dad? Suzie's being a bitch, wish you were here. Love David. 

Sometimes what really annoyed me about David, was his obvious hatred towards Suzie. I mean the two of them were meant to be best friends for gods sake. Suzie tried, she really did. She got annoyed by his obvious attitude problem, towards her. And nobody, even had a clue, why he was this way. David, is possibly even more private that me.

Once more, he's a sensitive soul, so to speak. He was so lovely & kind in his message. Well apart from that 1 part. I didn't want to worry him. David, is a worrier. Always has been. It used to be for Melanie. But after well…after she died, he became more & more concerned about me. Especially with my condition. He's probably the only one who hasn't truly given up on me. Although I wish he would. So I lied to David as well. For his benefit. I think.

Hi David. That was lovely. Who wrote it? I miss you & everybody too. Forks is ok. It rains…a lot. School is fine, different I suppose. Dad is good. What's going on with you & Suzie. I hope you're being nice to her. You know what you get like. Love Bella

I felt guilty for all of them. I'd completely lied to David & my Mom. And poor Suzie. I'd practically bitten her head off. I couldn't't regret that then, when I'd already sent the messages. Suzie probably wouldn't't even notice knowing her & I still believe that lying would be best for David & my Mom .I'd hurt them enough. They didn't't need the downfall of me interrupting their lives.

I don't know what to do with myself now. Sleep seems impossible. And daylight is still yet to come. Speaking to everyone, has brought back memories & it has really hurt me in a way.

Even now, perhaps even more now. I'm starting to think. Did I really make the right choice?

Yours

Bella

**Ok, so I'm aware, that** **it's not exactly the most exciting chapter, but I really wanted to delve more into the personalities of David & Suzie. As they do get quite main characters as the fic progresses. Thanks for reading. Reviews would be dazzling. x**


	16. Sunday 9th January 2005 11:41pm

**Thanks for all the reviews & everything so far. Keep the coming. Love them all. Enjoy! **

_Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. - Phillip K. Dick _

_Sunday 9__th__ January 2005 - 11:41pm_

Dear Diary,

Today couldn't have been worse. I prayed for a day like yesterday. Tedious & boring. Today was far from that. It started out simple enough. In that same monotonous routine, that had begun the day before.

I was free for the day. A fact, I hadn't exactly contemplated on, as you can guess. So it started off just as boring & uneventful as the day before. Yeah, wished it would have stayed that way.

So I started the morning, pretty much the same as then. Charlie went fishing. So I was home alone. Exactly how I liked it. Living with Charlie, in a way can be pretty good. He doesn't bother me much & understands my boundaries. Maybe a little too much. Although I love being alone, I still sometimes crave company. Strange I know as it's not as If I could have a conversation with someone.

So I did the washing up, again. Sorted the laundry, again. Read, again. Watched tv, again. And also managed to finish the whole amount of homework I'd been given. I wonder if any of my classmates have. Doubt it. It had taken me quite some time. Me, with no existence of a social life.

But I couldn't stay in the house much longer. My mind kept getting distracted. And I was still thinking of Edward Cullen. Why can I not get him off my mind? He just seems, so different he's unreal. Like a mirage. And in a strange & maybe creepy way, he fascinates me. But he'd be nothing but act in a odd manor towards me. That shouldn't fascinate me but it did. This town, is slowly driving me crazy I'm sure of it. If I wasn't crazy before, that is. Which is more than likely.

So just after two, I decided to go grocery shopping. I hoped, that at least, if all things, it would be another distraction. A good enough distraction maybe.

It wasn't good enough. Whilst wondering around, I began thinking about him again. But apparently it was a good enough distraction, from actual reality.

I was pushing the trolley down the cereal section when it happened. I was just considering what cereal Charlie would prefer. Also considering whether Edward Cullen would return to school on Monday. When I accidentally pushed it into, the side of this woman's leg. It wasn't hard & definitely not on purpose, but she tumbled anyway, as of the position she was in, bringing several cereal boxes with her.

I went to her immediately of course. I mean it was the least I could do. I'd just knocked the poor woman over, for crying out loud. But I've now leant that it would have probably have been the wiser thing, to run & leave her. Not the nicer thing, but the wiser all the same.

I helped lift her up. She was only small, but she was young, only a few years younger than me, so she wasn't exactly hurt or anything. And together, we managed to pick up the boxes. She was fare enough & didn't seem at all phased about the incident. Wish that could have been the same for all the other shoppers.

But unfortunately, as my luck usually goes, it wasn't. I mouthed a sorry to her, thinking it was all over & started to get on with my shopping. Then this old women, came over to the woman & started talking to her.

"How rude the kids of today are." she had said. "No apology or anything. If I were you, I wouldn't have settled for that."

I ignored her. Even though she was true. It was the easier thing to do. I mean I couldn't exactly shout back, could I?

The young woman, tried to redeem the whole situation to her, I think, but the old woman was already shouting at me now.

"Apologise, you rude little bitch." she shouted. "She could have been seriously damaged."

I wanted to run. Perhaps that again would have been the easier yet more cowardly route. So I just turned & faced the two woman. Mouthing, as many times as I could that I was sorry.

It was too late though the old woman had now started a frenzy. About half the shop, was know watching our little scene & about half of that had now joined in.

The young woman, tried to explain, but that just made their anger towards me even worse. It was all put differently but they all pretty much said exactly what the woman had said, in some form or another.

That I should apologise. The problem was I couldn't apologise. Not aloud anyway.

It all seemed to happen so fast, it was as cliché as it might sound in a blur. All the shouting. All the clear anger. And even the way they looked at me. I was the outsider. I didn't belong.

Even after all this, I had dealt with it. I had kept the tears at bay & was keeping as calm, as I could be, but then just as I thought the mob was dimming. Someone said:

"That's Chiefs Swans, daughter. A mute. A right freak apparently. My son has Spanish with her. Wouldn't expect any less."

I ran then out of the store, leaving my trolley behind. I was crying by now. Crying a lot. All I could think of was the razor blade, lying in my case. And what made it worse, if that could even have been possibly. I heard that horrible nasally voice girl from school.

"See what you've done. You don't belong here. Go back to where you came from freak..."

She had kept going, but I had hardly heard the rest. I didn't want to. I jumped straight into my truck & then upstairs into my bed. That was where I would stay for the next 2 hours, just crying.

After I finished crying, I went into my suitcase & took my razor, from where it had been neatly wrapped between my grey sweater. I took it to the bump of my vein of an artery on the wrist of my left arm. I stroked it, but couldn't go through with it.

It wasn't just the blood this time either, there was something, that had stopped me. That made me willing to keep this resolution. That has never happened to me before. I'd only ever back down like that, out of cowardice. Strange.

So I went back to bed, even though it couldn't have been later than 5pm. And I've stayed here all night. Not sleeping or doing anything just thinking.

Perhaps thinking about someone constantly I isn't normal. Perhaps it really is quite wrong. But somehow thinking of Edward Cullen, makes my worries go away.

After I confront him. Maybe I should thank him. Maybe. I think, we'll see.

Yours

Bella

**Hoped you liked chapter 16. Chapter 17, should be up tomorrow. Keep, reviewing. I ravish in them all. I really do. Thanks so much. x**


	17. Monday 10th January 2005 6:42pm

**Happy Easter Everyone!**

**Thank you so dearly for the reviews. Love them. Keep them coming. Chapter 17. Enjoy!**

_No sword bites so fiercly as an evil tongue. - Sir Philip Sidney. **(One of my favourite quotes)**_

_Monday 10th__ January 2005 - 6:42pm_

Dear Diary,

Can my life be anymore screwed up? I mean is that even possible. I wasn't having the best of time, here in the 1st place, but now after yesterday, life has got ten times worse.

I wasn't completely ignored at school today. I would normally have found this a good thing. Of course, they only took notice of me, for one thing. To torment me.

Even those, who had sympathised with me, that 1st day, seemed to hate me now. Which was all I needed. Ignorance was one thing, knowing everyone was talking about you behind your back is another. I know now, that I hate this fricking school & it's hillbilly town. There's nothing going to change that.

Kids can be cruel, Dr West had always told me that. Like he had a clue. I've got news for him. Kids can be fucking evil. He said that bullies, have a weakness, a reason behind so. His psychology of things. I'm sorry diary, but my ass. The kids today, bullied me for one reason only, to see me crack & leave this town.

Well, I've got news for them. Give me a week & I'll be gone. I can't stand it anymore diary. I don't want to give in. But I can't take any minute of it. Though, I not going to admit to this, even, which is even more cowardly. I'm gonna wait diary. Mom, has already told me, she didn't want me to leave, hopefully she'll ask me back. And that's when I'll go home. Just need to wait, until that day. Hopefully it'll come sooner rather than later.

One kid. Tyler or something, when I was just about to sit down in English, came over & tried to talk to me. At first I thought he was being quite genuine. He asked me if I liked it here & whether It was different from my old school, that's sort of thing. Questions I could quite easily nod or shake my head too. Then he held my chair out for me to sit. Me being an idiot & thinking he was being gentlemanly, did so. Of course, you can guess, he did the same thing that those idiots did in government, he pulled it away. Oh & he didn't just laugh. No perhaps I could have handled that. But his exact words after I landed on the floor were:

"Oops. Don't think I'm going to apologise though. Wasting breath wouldn't it."

The news had obviously spread fast. Great. So then he went & high fived his best friend, while the rest of the class laughed at my idiocy. The teacher Mr Mason played oblivious. He had seemed ok on the first day, but he was now turning into an asshole, like the rest. I must be a topic of gossip in the teachers lounge too. God, I am getting popular.

Believe it or not, that was just first lesson.

In Spanish, I tripped on the way into the classroom door. Of course, nobody helped me & everyone laughed. Then one guy, thought it would be funny to take this opportunity to kick my bag, half way across the room, spilling everything in it. And then the teacher, shouted at me, for not being in my chair on time, because so. She also again treated me like a dunce & gave me an unbearably easy quiz, to test my Spanish. Apparently, as I'd only taken Spanish, since sophomore year, it may not be as up to scratch as everyone else & she needed to test my abilities. Wanted to make out I was idiotic more like.

What's worse, is that girl Jessica, came & sat next to me again. Not by her own choice I could tell. There were no other seats. And that would be the only time, that day, when someone would actually sit next to me. Any other time, I was avoided like the plague. She handed me another note, this one, not quite so cheery as the last.

_Don't think you're eating with us today, freak._

Not like I'd been planning to anyway. But to have it in words, as such, to have it from her, to me. It generally hurt. I've been called freak, countless times over the years. Yet, it still manages to sting me. Like I can never get used to it. Surely, there are bigger freaks than me, not that I can actually think of any.

And so the day progressed. In trig, two kids, found it funny to throw paper aeroplanes at me head. Then in government, I could hear two girls, one of them that nasally blond who I now know as Lauren, had a whole conversation, with the kids 3 desks behind them, about how I apparently didn't wash…ever. And in Gym, several people thought it the object of the game, to bounce the ball off the back of my head. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but every single one of these kids, seem out to get me. I hate all their fricking guts.

Lunch was awful, seriously awful. An hour of hell. Of course, no one wanted me at their table. I didn't expect any less. Most glared at me, while I queued for food, or so it felt like. Lauren, pushed past me so hard, that my slice of pizza fell on to the floor. I didn't bother to pick it up. The last I needed. More rumours.

I ended up eating the remainder of my meal in the toilets. Luckily, no one was in there, when I first went in, so I was free from more rumours spreading, but no doubt they would. I contemplated over several lunch tables, before so.

The only one, that looked, remotely inviting was the Cullen's. They didn't stare or as far as I know, talk about me. And strangely for this fact, I discouraged the idea. They're too good for me, too good for everyone. Flamingos in a flock of pigeons. I would ruin that. When I walked past though, the small one, the one with the spiky black hair, glanced up at me, if only for the shortest of periods & if I'm not mistaken, I could have swore she smiled. News, obviously hadn't reached her, either that or she really was as weird as everyone made out. Which I couldn't believe. It still queries me, how these people are considered outcasts.

The toilets, were dirty & absolutely stunk. I listened quietly to the banter, that went on around me. Mostly it was boys, fashion, celebrities & whatever else goes on in the common teenage girls head. The awful part was I came out, a lot in these conversations. I was the main subject of gossip at forks high. If it wasn't for the fact, that I knew the reason for their gossiping & I'd actually be quite entertained by that. But of course, it wasn't. And the thought of it sickens me.

What sickens me more, is that I'm so nosey, that I listened to every word of it, just to hear their opinions. Luckily nobody heard me crying. At least I hope not. By the end of lunch, I'd learnt that some people thought I'd been abducted my aliens, some thought I actually _was _an alien, some thought I was doing this for benefit money, some thought, that I'd lost my voice box & everyone thought I was a freak.

The students of Forks High, aren't exactly imaginable, the stories had been a lot more well thought of back in Phoenix. But still to hear this, really upset me. And it pissed me off. The things that girls do for gossip.

Then to make matters worse. He didn't show. Uh huh. Yeah, Edward didn't show. This just makes me even more paranoid & angry now, than before. It most certainly has something to do, with me that first day. And, now I'm seriously wondering will he ever return. If he doesn't then I'll never find out, what's wrong. There has to be a reason behind it. And I will find out diary. I'll play him at his own game. Ugh, I still can't believe it, if anything would have made that day, it would have been that.

It still didn't stop me thinking about him though.

Yours

Bella

**Ok, so not the best chapter I know. But they can't all the woweres. Served a purpose, leads up to the next chapter & then the next. Hope you liked anyway. Review, if you can pretty please. x**


	18. Tuesday 11th January 2005 3:49am

**Thanks for all the reviews so far. Please keep them coming. They are fantastic to receive believe me. **

**Chapter 18 - the one practically everyone's been waiting for. Hope you like. Enjoy!**

_Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder - Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) Twilight The Movie __**(Yet another one of my favourite quotes)**_

_Tuesday 11__th__ January 2005 - 3:49am _

Dear Diary,

It's not easy to say this. Put this in words, but I want to promise this to myself. I can't live this diary. I can't. I don't want to, anymore. Dr West, has always told me death, suicide is the cowards option. I don't care. It's been clear enough, this week, that I'm a coward anyway, what's one more moment.

It's not like it I'll be missed. Not really. I'll be that thorn, out of the side for Mom, Charlie & Phil. They don't deserve to be dragged down by me. I'm the worse thing, in their lives. They would be better off with out me. David & Suzie too. I doubt, anyone else, would really blink an eye at my death. Dr West maybe, only selfishly so, he'll regret having another suicide of his shrink files & he wouldn't be able too secretly watch my Mom anymore. A good thing, I think.

Life would have been different for me, if It weren't have been for the accident. If Melanie had stayed alive. I'll join her now, hopefully. I've never been too spectacle, about the afterlife. Too late now, to regret spending more time in church. I do know one thing though, it's considered a sin, what I'm about to, in practically every religion. I don't care, I can't go on. Not now.

I dreamt, of it last night, so vividly, more so than ever before. Even more than the nightmares I'd have the weeks after. That's what made me decide. I should have died not her. Even then, less people would have cared about my death than hers. I can't live with what happened. Can't live, with what I have become because of it. And most of all, I can't live without her. Death seems like the only option.

I can remember it so clearly now, maybe it's because of the dream, but I still can. As, if was yesterday you could say. Those, blanks bits, still as dark & misty as always. It is extremely frustrating.

We were in 6th grade, Melanie, David & Suzie, had been 11, I'd just turned 12. We used to play up on this hill, about a mile or so, back from the residential part of our town. It was rocky & very dirty. It had a drop fierce down one side, which allowed us, to see for miles until the distant horizon. It was beautiful & deserted for the most part. It was like our private sanctuary. We'd go play there practically every night. It had been my most favourite place in the whole entire world. Melanie, had even given it a name to it Pirates Peak, as for years we'd believed the old stories, that Pirates treasure, was hidden under it.

We'd been playing there one day in October. I remember, because it was only a few days before Halloween & the night before, we'd all shared scary stories. Me & Mellie, had planned to go as Zombies, that year - how ironic.

It was reasonably late. For us anyway. The sun was already starting to set in the sky.

There'd been an argument. Only a silly one, but I regret having it, every single day, ever since. Melanie, wanted to head home. So did David. But Suzie, was insistent on staying. She wanted to tell more scary stories & If I'm honest more than anything scare her parents. I wanted to, as well. I loved it so much at Pirates Peak, that I relished every moment there.

We all kept arguing for ages. I hardly ever argued with Melanie & this time it had got pretty bad. Worse, than it had ever been in fact. Suzie had got extremely mad & had stomped off further down the field, away from us all. Leaving me, still arguing intensely with David & Melanie.

That part hurts me worst of all.

"Some best friend, you are." She had said. "Siding with that cow, you hardly know, over me."

"Oh, come on. Melanie, you should seriously get a life. Or are you worried what Mommy will think." I had replied rudely back.

She had then, picked up a rock & threw it at me it. It grazed my left cheek & it poured with blood. This made me extremely angry, so I threw one back. This hit the top of her forehead, making a small indent cut.

"I fucking hate you." she had screamed.

The swearing had hurt. I was only 12, after all & swearing was hardly said amongst my friends, even in normal conversation, Suzie being the odd one out in this. So, I screamed at her, something that I would definitely didn't mean & I now still regret. And will regret for the rest of my life.

"I fucking hate you. I wish you would die."

And those were my last words to her. The last words that I had ever said. I can't remember, anything until much later, after that.

I woke up, lying on the floor, at the top of the peak & nobody was there. At the time, I remember being so angry, thinking they'd all left me. I was about to walk home, when I heard David crying below.

He was sitting there, next to her his hand in hers, his eyes filled with tears. He was the first thing I noticed strangely enough. Didn't take me long, to notice Melanie, lying there lifeless on the floor though. Her hair, was stained by the blood, oozing from the opens wounds, her eyes wide & motionless. Her mouth, trapped in an 'O' shape. I knew straight away that she was dead.

I remember looking at Suzie, sitting only a few metres away, but it might as well, have been a few miles. She just sat, there & said nothing. Her body, still like a statue. Her eyes wide, staring into space. Suzie didn't cry. This was her form of grieving.

I tried to open my mouth to ask, what had happened to her, but no words came out. That was the first time, I realised I was mute. I hadn't realised then, though, I would be like this for so long though.

The rest of it was a blur, after that. The paramedics, came moments later, carrying her away. The next few weeks, were full of police interviews, funeral plans & those dreadful fist visits with Dr West. It was awful. I had almost killed myself then. A month, after her death. I'd had another one of my nightmares& was sick of it all. I wanted it to stop, just like now. I swallowed a packet of paracetamol from the kitchen drawer. Mom, caught me in my bedroom. I was in hospital, for over a week. I wish I had succeeded then. It would have saved me & an awful lot of people the hassle of the burden that is my life.

They say she fell. Well I know she fell. It was just a silly accident. Things like this happen all the time, or so I'm told. But why can't I remember it? I won't be able to fully accept until, I can. Part of me, doesn't think, she just fell, part of me, thinks it was something else. Idiotic, I know, but it still mystifies me today.

And so, I will go through with this diary. I will succeed this time. People may think it is stupid, committing suicide, over an nightmare, over the past. Even, I do. But I can't let go, of this dreadful past. No matter how hard I try. My life isn't worth living. Not like this anyway.

I will choose my options, more wisely this time. I'll wait until Charlie, has gone to work & I'll use my brown belt, against the shower railing. A death attempt, that can't be undone.

We will all benefit from this, I know we will. Call me a coward. I think, this is my least cowardly moment. I'm saving them all. I'm saving myself.

I can't live like this.

Yours

Bella

**So that was chapter 18? The climax of that, you'll find out in Chapter 19, which will be up in a day or so. Hope you liked it, anyway. Reviews would be wonderful. Thanks.**


	19. Tuesday 11th January 2005 10:01pm

**I hope everyone had a nice Easter. **

**Thanks for all the reviews, guys. Keep them coming, they are extremely awesome, believe me or not. Chapter 19 - Enjoy!**

_One need not be a chamber to be haunted; One need not be a house; The brain has corridors surpassing, Material place. - Emily Dickinson_

_Tuesday 11__th__ January 2005 - 10:01pm_

Dear Diary,

I can't think of what to write. Even just thinking about it, makes me doubt my own sanity. I mean could it all have been possible? I know what I saw but then I knew what I saw couldn't be real. Can it? I was there in the bathroom. I know that. That must have been reality. If it wasn't for all that had happened, the bruise that was now filling in the rim of my eye, I would have thought it was a dream. It would have fit better in a dream.

I didn't do it. Of course. I wanted to do it. Part of me, still does. I had been all prepared to do it, this morning. I knew what I was going to do. I had planned the whole arrangement. I was going to hang myself. I hadn't thought of what, a sight it could have been for Charlie, if I did. No man deserves that. Though I suppose one doesn't contemplate these matters when planning your own death. But now I realise. If anything my thoughts were clearly selfish.

I skipped school, naturally. No point, spending one more day of torture. It would be over quickly & easily, or so I thought. I had grabbed the brown leather belt from my suitcase, I wore it often & it was strong & sturdy. It was perfect. I chose my spot as well, the pole for the curtain rail of the shower, in the bathroom. Quick & Easy, just how I wanted it to be.

I decided on twelve noon. Maybe that was one of my first mistakes. Planning a time. If you want to do something, you have to just do it. No thoughts necessary. In fact maybe my first mistake was planning in the first place.

So, I sat & twiddled my thumbs, you could say, until that time. I hadn't really realised, that they were meant to be my last hours. You have to enjoy, them all, they say. I watched the news & ate a bowl of weetabix. Not, like this mattered anyhow. I doubt many suicides end on happy notes. Although, I hadn't personally heard of many.

When the time came, I walked up to the bathroom. Now, that I think about it I wasn't even scared. Not like the first time. That time I had been petrified. Maybe I knew all along, that I wasn't going to actually do it. That I was half hearted about it. Maybe that's why the visions & the voices had came. There's no other explanation. Is there?

I got everything prepared. I didn't write a note. Maybe I should have done. Another mistake perhaps. I didn't feel, like I needed to explain my excuse for this. I thought it would be obvious. I made sure the pole, wouldn't break, by hanging from it several times & testing the strength of the belt. I was trying to make sure that I didn't fail.

I sat on the toilet, just waiting, until I thought the time would be right. I realised this would be never & in the end, just went for it. I should myself, on the washing basket, to reach the height of the pole, gripped the belt tight & pulled it round the pole.

And I was about to put my head through, to finally finish it for good. When I heard it. Her voice. Melanie's voice.

"Bellsy stop." it had said. Bellsy, her nickname for me.

It had struck me back & I stopped back off the basket. It was suddenly all very cold & I was beginning to stutter. There had only been one day, when I'd been as petrified as this, in my whole life.

Then there was silence. Nothing. I counted it as my imagination, even though part of me was sure it wasn't. My conscience playing tricks on me. All the same I tried again. I was determined to make even this not make me succeed.

And I heard it again. The same words over & over & over again, as I tried each time. "Bellsy, stop."

I started to cry. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. Even since I'd been here. I was disgusted & petrified by what was happening. But somehow I also felt a spark of relief. To hear her voice. This disgusted me even more. I decided that I just had to ignore it, let the task prevail. I had to, If I truly wanted to die.

So I pulled the belt over my head, tightening & holding my head higher so it could choke me easier. The voices kept on coming, but as I cried I ignored it. I was just about to kick the basket away to end it all.

And then I saw her, clear as anything. As if the human her, was right in front of me. Although that couldn't be possible could it. She grabbed hold of my shoulders for one brief moment & though there was no feeling, they had turned an ice cold.

"No, Bellsy, don't. Stop. Please…Belsy." Were her only words. And the she disappeared.

I loosened the belt & took my head out, then stepped off the basket. My tears had completely stopped, though I wanted more than anything to cry my eyes out. I was too shocked to though.

Instead, I passed out, hitting my eye on the edge of the sink, as I did so. But just before unconsciousness, had taken toll of me. I had seen her once more. This time at the corner by the corner.

And I remember the faint whisper of the words.

"Thank you Belsy."

I woke up some time later. Luckily as I slept, it was entirely dreamless. God knows, what this will do to my nightmares now. But that very moment is probably scarier than any of my nightmares. Even the scariest. Almost as scary, as that day at the peak. Almost.

I cooked Charlie's & my own dinner, even though I was in no mood for food. A distraction. Merely a distraction. This would be one of many this week.

Had I really seen all of that? Had that all actually happened? I mean, that can't be true can it diary. I mean, stuff like that just doesn't happen. I mean does it. Of all the horror movies I've seen, even they didn't entail that. Could I really be going mad? I mean the most obvious answer for all of that Is hallucinations? Another excuse to wheel me away. I really am a freak now.

Very few topics, distract me from it all. I hate it. I want it all to go away. Pretend as if I didn't happen. I thought of it, during the day, at night at dinner with Charlie & I'm especially thinking about it right now.

Edward Cullen, still enters my head though. Which is now a good thing. His moody looks & mysterious disappearance, are nothing to this. But they still make me curious. Which I suppose diary, is a little odd. Even after all this I am still thinking of that one person.

In fact, I still hold hope for tomorrow that he'll be at school. Makes me want to stay in school longer. Makes me want to live life longer. Just simply as I curious.

Which is strange. Very. The most happiest though of mine at the moment is to see the guy, who could possibly hate me the most.

Dr West, had once said that it Is the mystery that is my mind.

And I'm starting to think.

That he is almost certainly true.

Yours

Bella

**Ok, so I hope you liked. I liked to thank x TWILIGHT x OBSESSED x yet again for the fabulous idea. Please review, if you can. I extremely appreciate. Thanks x**


	20. Wednesday 12th January 2005 2:41am

**Thanks for all the reviews. Adore them all. They're brilliant. Keep them coming. They make me ever so happy. Keep them coming. Enjoy! Chapter 20!**

_You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" - George Bernard Shaw_

_Wednesday 12th__ January 2005 - 2:41am_

Dear Diary,

I have to write this straight away, in case I forget. Nothing has ever happened like this before. Nothing. Even after years of Dr West's so called psychology classes. I think. I'm not entirely sure. I think I remembered something, something of that day. Although I'm not sure, whether to be happy or sad by this? If anything, I'm a little confused. I mean, what brought this on. Was it, well what happened earlier. Perhaps. I not sure. Maybe this is the last piece of the puzzle, to entail that I am really going crazy.

It was just a dream. That's all but one part of it, one part merely 10 seconds or so, seemed to real. I'm not sure. I can't explain. It was so close to what had happened earlier & so similar as well, but then it seemed so real, just like that as well.

The dream, had even started off different from the others. I wasn't with Suzie or David. I was with Edward Cullen of all people. We on the peak. Just sitting. We were talking, but I'm not sure what about. I had knew in the dream, but it's completely blocked from my memory now. We are friends, that's obvious, but little hints entail something else, something more. He leans his head towards me, closer in & then in a flash he was gone, running away from me.

This part I knew was a dream. No one could possibly ever run that fast. But all the same, I had felt disappointed. I didn't want him to leave me. Alone. Not on pirates peak. Maybe this was another strange factor of my dream. I had felt completely safe & not the slightest bit scared with Edward with me there. Even if it was just in my dream. That never happened. Not even in my dreams, especially not in my dreams. It only brings it all back. Something, that I never wanted, even when It involuntary came. I had felt this way, with a complete stranger, a boy I had met once & I'm pretty sure detests me.

Then I was left crying & calling after Edward. I wanted him to come back. That was when the vision changed. I was back as an twelve year old, it was that day, the day it had all happened. We were in the middle of that fight, me & Melanie. A familiar scene. A scene that I've seen many times, in both my memories & dreams.

It didn't end where it usually ended though, it carried on in a unfamiliar yet strangely déjà vu like picture. I was picking up more rocks now, throwing them intensely straight at Melanie. Pure hate, filled my eyes. It was scary diary. I have never seen myself like that before. And I can't believe I did do it. Which makes the dream possibility, even more possible. I looked ready to kill. I can't believe myself If I had acted that way, just before her death. It would make me sick, to even think if I had. The way I was behaving was disgusting, but I couldn't stop.

Melanie was starting to back off after a while. She was growing tired of the argument. She tripped slightly on a rock & fell to her knees on the floor. She started begging "No Belsy don't." "Belsy stop" over & over again, just like my hallucination I had had.

But I still wasn't stopping & I couldn't understand why not. I looked like a monster. I kept going & going. Then it all became very blurred & misty again, like my missing memories.

And then one last image, appeared, I had my arms wrapped around her wrists, her hands were against my shoulders. And she had then whispered in that same tone as before.

"Thank you Belsy."

As cliché as it may sound, this was where I woke up. I was drenched in sweat, just like after all of my nightmares. Only was this a nightmare. I'm not even sure it's real. Though, its felt so real. Just like before. I don't want it to be. I don't want to be that monster. And the similarities to my earlier experience. Were they too similar.

Should I tell someone?

Then again no. This is nothing. I know it's nothing. Just the issue of everything, that's been going on. I will not give in to hallucinations & dreams. Of course they aren't real, who am I kidding. They'll just come more often if I believe that. And come on, like stuff like that really happens. If I was going to remember I would have remembered a whole lot sooner than now. No my memories are list forever, I'm sure. Just like my voice. Gone. Lost. Never coming back. I'll have to deal with that. I have done so, for so long now.

But then, what has any of this, got anything to do with Edward Cullen? That's possibly the most indifferent part. Why was he suddenly creeping into my dreams, as well as my waking thoughts? Is this right?

It's too early. I should try, for some more sleep, though I doubt I'll get any. Everything that's all happened will just stay locked inside my head.

I still can't help but wonder now.

What does all of this mean?

Yours

Bella

**Wow, Chapter 20, already. Hope you liked it. Wasn't too sure how to write this one. Not sure If I quite wrote it write, but hopefully I got the message across. Reviews would be delightful. Thanks!**


	21. Wednesday 12th January 2005 4:00pm

**Chapter 21. Hope you like. Loving the reviews so far. Keep them up. Enjoy! x**

_The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. - Mark Twain_

_Wednesday 12th January 2005 - 4:00pm_

Dear Diary,

I went back to school today, probably a good idea, if I'm going to stay alive. I wasn't missed, that was obvious. But of course, because of my disappearance yesterday, all the gossip, was still there. Nobody seemed to be bothered about Edward Cullen's disappearance & he's been nearly gone a week. But he may do this often. That makes me feel slightly better. If only the slightest.

Today, was well normal, in retrospect to the others. Well normall-er, you could say. It still wasn't the norm, I'd experienced back in Phoenix.

I woke up, way too late. I got dressed in the space of ten minutes. Obviously I hadn't slept much last night. I didn't bother with breakfast. Not that I do much these days anyway. I didn't get time to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Wouldn't matter anyway. People would laugh at me, no matter what.

Suzie, has always been interested in fashion. For as long as I've known her, the majority of her wardrobe is designer, with big price tags. I have never really cared. In many respects it's merely as I'm lazy, about it, spending hours on hairs, just seemed ridiculous to me. Although I can hardly talk or think rather. As long as I looked respectable. This morning, I was hardly respectable though.

I got to school an good ten minutes late. First class, was English, luckily. Mr Mason, might be a grumpy old arse, but he's fair. He doesn't seem to have a problem with my um disability. He let me off, with a warning. Fair enough. Didn't bother me.

What did bother me though. Was the kids all staring at me. I mean am I really that interesting. I've always wanted to be noticed. In Phoenix, it was all I wanted. But certainly not in this way.

Of course, Lauren, biggest bitch of them all, had to have her two cents worth.

When I was busy, drafting up my Shakespeare essay, she came over to me pretending she needed an eraser. Eraser. Huh, I'd like to erase, her from existence.

"Where were you yesterday then?" She asked, in a totally fake, cheerful tone. Ugh, it was completely obvious what she was doing. I'd had this time & time again, in Phoenix. This wasn't going to be any difference. Honestly, you'd think people would learn some new tricks.

"Oh, not answering. That's a bit rude." She spoke to me, like I was a toddler or something. That seriously pissed me off.

"Answer me, freak." She had practically shouted. Bad move, on her behalf. Mr Mason, was now looking up as us. Didn't say, anything, though did he.

She practically snarled at me, like if somehow this was all my fault. I hadn't said anything. I couldn't say anything.

"Leave, you fucking speechless cow. You're not wanted." She then said, before walking back to her table.

Her friends, were all giggling over with her. I think, she'd thought she'd won. Fat chance. After all, that has happened recently, her words were nothing. She'd have to try a whole lot harder than that.

And if she thought, I'm leaving, she has another thing coming. I decided right then diary, that I'm going to give this Forks thing ago. Maybe for all the wrong reasons.

Yes, it had everything to do with the hallucinations & the dream. I can't deny that. But it's so odd how it's just happening now. It's like its drawing me, with a magnet, closer & closer to Forks. It's not that I have enjoyed any of this. I want it to stop. I want it, more than anything to stop. But I also want it to continue. I'm intrigued at myself, in a unknown & unhealthy way.

I also need to find out the mystery, that is Edward Cullen. He still hasn't appeared of course. I don't actually think, he ever will, but I try not to think about this, as somehow, it makes me feel sad. Even I can't begin to comprehend that one. As, If I wasn't screwed up enough.

His family, are all still here, which probably makes it that bit stranger. I stayed in the toilets, for the remainder of the lunch today, not even bothering to eat lunch. I wasn't hungry, I was too preoccupied.

It was while I was walking to the bathroom. That I noticed Edwards sister, the raven haired, smaller one, Alice. She was accompanied, by the rest of the family & they all engrossed in conversation. It looked, like a scene off a movie, full of beautiful people.

In fact, I couldn't help think, that they were doing to on purpose. As if they were acting this way, just to make it known, that they were outcasts, that they are absorbed in their own worlds.

It was then, for that strange reason. That I felt like, I needed to talk to her, but of course I couldn't talk to her. But I felt, like I should try to communicate with her. Edward Cullen's disappearance, was making me scarily even more intrigued. She would have all the answers. And she looked, if anything, the least intimidating of the bunch.

And this was just because of her size, there was something in her posture, her features, her smile, the whole way she acted.

But just as, I was about to take a step forward, to her, she looked straight at me. She seemed to take, my whole body in within a second. It was I have to admit, quite frightening. Something, in her eyes, I knew she was terrified about something.

She opened her mouth & started to say. "Be…" Before the blonde girl, Rosalie, I think, cut her off, whispering quite bloodcurdling angrily at her. It was impossible to make out, what she had said, even in the close proximity between us.

The blonde, then glared at me. It was awful. Made me chill from the top of my body to my toes. Laurens threatening stares, were nothing compared to Rosalie's, painful ones.

I walked away then & so did they. But at least, I had had two of my questions answered without, even saying a word.

Did I have anything to do with Edward's Disappearance? Yes.

Did they know, the reason why? Most definitely so.

I couldn't forget this for the rest of the afternoon, it almost pushed my thoughts of last nights dream, behind me. All these thoughts combined, made me slow during biology & even more lackadaisical in gym, than usual.

Fortuitously, this made school pass, that bit faster.

I still can't help but think, that all this happening, at once. It's unusual, strange, frightening- most definitely & somehow it may even all be connected.

That dream, even now that very part, where we're speaking, it's burned in my memory, like an stone imprint. I know, I shouldn't but the more I think about it, the more, I'm beginning to believe that it's an actual memory.

But I shouldn't believe this. I mean first the whole hallucination thing, now this. Its must have been something, I'd ate or something. It can't be real. I don't believe in all this supernatural mumbo jumbo. I'd given up on all that years ago. And I shouldn't be believing this now.

If anyone could hear, they would think I was insane. I'm not telling anyone. Not even Suzie, who's put up with an awful,lot of my shit over the years. Not even David, who's had to put up with my shit even longer. Not my mother who I am closest to, more than anyone in the word. Certainly, not Charlie, that would be just too, unfair. It is bad enough he has to live with me. Never mind put up with my crap. Nope, I'm certainly, not going to mention, it to anyone. Not a single human being. Not a soul.

Especially not Dr Caroline Slater. My new shrink.

Charlie, dropped a bombshell, on me earlier. I'm going to see her tonight. Only a swift visit. Apparently she just wants to get to know me. I've never had a different psychiatrist than Dr West before, so this should be interesting.

She's apparently one of the best & a good friend of his though. So no doubt she'll be an overly arrogant, boring, not it all cow. Great, I'm really looking forward to it.

She can't be as bad as Dr West, though. No ones that bad.

Still, doesn't make me angry & even slightly nervous at the thought of seeing her. Maybe she'll just get it over with & diagnose me as a nutcase. That would be doing us all a favour.

So, I'm about to take an hours drive to this little sea side city called Port Angeles to see the cruddy cow.

Oh, well. Life sucks that way & death doesn't seem like an option right now.

Hopefully she doesn't make me play chess. That would make me put her, in my good books anyway.

I've seen enough chequered boards to last me a life time.

Yours

Bella

**So, that's chapter 21. Tell me what you think. Reviews are always fantastic, as you know. Thanks x**


	22. Wednesday 12th January 2005 11:30pm

**Chapter 22. Reviews are great keep them coming. Enjoy!**

_In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain. - Pliny The Elder_

_Wednesday 12th__ January - 11:30pm_

Dear Diary,

Turned out this so called interview or whatever, was not so much of a waste of time, after all. But for all the reasons.

Me & Charlie, left in the cruiser around half 4. It should I think, have only taken us about 45 minutes or so, but with Charlie's slow driving, it took us easily over an hour.

Although, it seemed a lot longer than that. It was awkwardly silent. At times like that, I beg for a new find of my voice, or well rather I used to. Poor Charlie, made an effort. He talked, a little about the weather. About the _weather _of all things. I mean I know the relationship, between father & daughter is meant to be a hard one. But I wish I was able to talk to Charlie. He'd done so much for me, this past week. I want to show him my gratitude. I mean, what must I look like to him?

More, importantly what was my arrival doing to him. Since I'd been here, the longest we'd spent together was probably this car journey. He was so genuinely excited, about me staying here though. Something that I certainly couldn't comprehend after it all. I mean, why would anyone be excited about me?

What must I be doing to his reputation. He had been a respectful citizen. The police chief. A good guy. One of the ones that's always been there. No one hated him. He was like I said…respected. What must I be doing to him?

When we finally got to Port Angeles, he'd completely given up on conversation. Probably his wisest move. Port Angeles is quite a pretty town actually. I noticed, that as we were driving along. I couldn't help notice though, just like everywhere else here, it's too green. Ugh another reason, to hate Washington.

It turns out as well, that we were meeting her in the local hospital. Somehow, this made me really uncomfortable, sick even. I always think as hospitals for the sick or dead. It made me feel the interview, was going to be about my mental health. I even thought that Charlie, may have figured it out.

But of course, this was just me, being paranoid. I mean no one, could have known, everything that's gone on, without being there with me. And even that, wouldn't comprehend much. And as far as I know, it's impossible to read mines, so couldn't be possible. Then again, there's this diary, but I keep it with me, so it couldn't….Never mind, I'm being stupid. No one knows what happened. Only me. That's all. Jeesh, I really am getting paranoid.

Charlie, came into the hospital, with me, but stayed put in the waiting room. This made me even more nervous. And maybe, more than likely, it's just me being paranoid, but everyone seemed to staring at me. As if they knew something I didn't as well. It was like my first day at forks high school. I had no idea, it was going to be anything but this.

The corridor, leading to Dr Slater's office, seemed to go forever, still those stares came & it all seemed to quiet. It made me shudder, right from my inners.

I did finally make it though. Even though I thought several times, that I was going to pass out. I hadn't realised how nervous, I would actually be. I mean, Dr West, had been an ass yes, but he still had been there all that time. Didn't judge me. This new women, could have been anything. She could have passed me for some kind of lunatic, as soon as I walked through the door. And this was what worried me the most. As it wasn't far from the truth.

Fortunately, Dr Slater, was not the blood sucking monster that I had anticipated for. In fact, if anything, she was nice, if not too nice, quite annoying actually.

I suppose, she's quite pretty or to be more precise she had been. She's at least in her late forties, perhaps early fifties. And has this fuzz, of ginger bobbed hair. One, of the first things I noticed as well, was that she had a nose ring. An attempt to be cool, I think. I hope.

The first thing she said to me when I walked in the door, was 'call me Carrie.' This ticked me off slightly, as I could hardly call her anything could I. Another cool attempt I think. And a failed one at that. Her & Dr West, must both taken a page out of the same book, if you know what I mean.

Luckily she redeemed herself during the so called 'Interview.' We didn't play chess. In fact it wasn't even mentioned. Thank god. She got me a wipe board & pen, for me to write out all the answers to her questions. This was kind of her, I suppose, but I couldn't help think that she was treating me like a dunce as well.

The questions were easy though, but I lied often. I think she could tell, but I don't really give a damn. She asked me about school, Mom, Phil, Charlie, Suzie, David, Pets, Hobbies, that sort of thing. She didn't even mention Melanie or the accident. I was slightly grateful for this, but I know it'll come up, one day in conversation. She was just trying to get in my good books first.

It only lasted an hours or so, thank god. It was starting to get unbearable, after she was asking about my favourite movie at the moment (like I have seen one!) & celebrity crushes (which If I had, I certainly wouldn't tell her, a complete stranger). I was glad to get out of there. But I suppose, she was half decent, did her job & I did mine. No drama. And on the plus side, she's no where near as big of an idiot as the award winning Dr Phil-Wannabe.

The corridor, was more empty now. It was getting dark, so I suppose, most were going home, to their families. I dawdled along. Happy that I'd actually survived the interview. Exhausted, from all the lack of sleep I've had these past few nights.

It was then that I heard it a posh squeaky male voice, from one of the passage ways down the corridor. He'd been talking for quite some time now, but I hadn't exactly noticed until he'd said one particular word. I caught the very last bit of the sentence.

"…It's been a pleasure to have your services & opinion Dr Cullen." The voice had said.

So I suppose, Cullen isn't exactly the most uncommon of surnames, but it still made me stop in my tracks otherwise. I don't know why, but a teeny hint of me, thought he could have been talking to Edward. But that was preposterous. Edward is a seventeen year old boy, he couldn't be a doctor, unless he was somehow leading some sort of double life. No, utterly preposterous, but I still stopped.

I looked round the corner at them anyway. Just out of curiosity. Of course No Edward. I felt a slight twinge, of melancholy, after that. I'd wanted it to be him. Why? I'm not entirely sure.

I didn't see Edward, but I did see someone, who must have been related to him. They looked nothing a like & yet somehow the same. If that makes any sense. He was also pale & had dark eyes, & not to mention he was desirably beautiful. Yet he was blonde & his features were smaller than Edwards. I thought maybe he was his father, but he was much too young.

He seemed to notice me, almost straight away though. He looked, at me, he didn't glare like Rosalie or Edward had. No his face, was perfectly genuine & he was smiling.

He began to speak & I swear his voice, could almost be compared to bells ringing, it was so harmonious.

"Hello, Can I help…" He had began & I wanted to hear more, only he was interrupted, by Dr Slater, holding out my satchel, which I'd brought with me & had no doubt left in her office. Not my greatest achievement & most certainly not yours.

"Miss Swan, you've left your backpack, darling. I'm so glad I found you." Dr Slater, I mean Carrie said.

I took, one glance back at the doctor. I couldn't quite fathom, the look on his face. He seemed somewhat interested & yet confused. Like a small child, figuring out a conundrum.

I grabbed the bag, from Dr Slater & sped off, as quickly as I could, without making it too obvious down the hall.

Charlie, was sitting reading the newspaper in the waiting room. I had no need to stay, any longer, but he wanted to buy, us both a drink, from the hospital café, so I hesitantly stayed around longer.

It was when we were just about, to walk out of the hospital doors. That I saw the blonde doctor Cullen again. I was hoping he wouldn't see me, see the blush burning in my face. He did. But said nothing. I thought I was off the hook. Until Charlie walked over & introduced me to him.

"Carlisle." He had said. "What brings you here?"

Charlie's voice, seemed almost unpleasant, next to Carlisle's. It almost made me want to laugh.

"Business. I'm afraid. Heart transplant & they needed to bit of background information on the patient."

He said this to Charlie, but I saw him catching glimpses of me. I wanted to run, away. What a fool I must have seemed to him.

Charlie then took that opportunity, to draw the attention to me.

"This is my daughter Isabella." He said. "Bella she likes to be called. Just moved here with me. Started Forks High School, just last week. Nervous, she really was, weren't you kid."

He nudged me & I smiled & nodded. It was strange how he didn't mention about, well, about how I was Mute. I mean it was something I couldn't really escape from. All the same, Carlisle, still continued to look at me, just as confused as before. Damn my blood, for causing me to blush, so god damn much.

"Ahh yes. My kids, said. Junior right? Same year as _Edward_ & Alice." He said & I couldn't quite help notice the way he'd said Edward, as if he didn't want us to hear it, he said it so fast. "Are you liking it?"

My mind was starting to over flow with it all. Edward & Carlisle were related. Was a strange coincidence. I hadn't realised this was a question, directed to me until much afterwards. What an idiot I must have seemed. I nodded swiftly at him. Luckily Carlisle seemed to get the hint, although I think Charlie could have carried on talking all night.

"Well I must be off then. I'll see you soon Chief Swan. Bella." And before I could even try to understand this all, he was out of the door.

I fell asleep on the journey home. I didn't feel so guilty about conversation this way.

Now I'm wide awake. Great.

And thinking once again about Edward Cullen.

Yours

Bella

**Ok, so what did everyone think? Reviews would be brilliant. And before anyone starts to worry, Edward will be in it all, soon enough. x**


	23. Thursday 13th January 2005 8:00pm Part 1

**Ok, chapter 23, finally up. Like chapter 11, it seemed too longer, to make all you readers, suffer & make it a whole long chapter, so I've split it into two again.**

**I would like to thank, ever so much, the life saver that is XEdwardsLiLCullenX, not only is she the best & also the quickest & most fabulous beta out there, but now I'm one well informed little brit, about America, because of her. I would recommend the world, to her. She is amazingly fabulous. Not even a 5 hour time difference could stop her. Just please do let her sleep. **

**Thanks to all you faithful reviewers & readers, you know who you are. Keep them up. Enjoy!**

_The First duty of love is to listen. - Paul Tillich_

_Thursday 14th__ January 2005 - 8:00pm_

Dear Diary,

It snowed today. Great, just perfect. And here I thought there was nothing worse than rain. Well, I was wrong**, **there is, and it's snow. It is wet and cold and soggy. The wetnesscompletely ruined the bottoms of my jeans, not that I cared too much about my appearance. I nearly slipped, several times, on the icysurface as well. Driving my truck was impossible. It drove at practically 10mph the whole way to school. I left early though, which was a bonus. I was the first one in the parking lot.

Above all things, Edward Cullen was at school today. I noticed straight away. I was sitting in my truck, trying to warm up with the non-existent heater. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking for him. I do tend to do that, everyday. Not that I'd ever admit to that. Not that I even _could _admit to that, but still.

I spent most of the morning, planning on how to confront him. By note seemed best. Well, it was my only option to be honest. I couldn't exactly start a conversation with him. I contemplated over what I was going to put. "Hello" seemed like a good start. But the whole, "why were you away and why do you hate me" thing didn't seem like too good of an idea.

I was too absorbed in this to really take notice to much else. I mainly doodled during in English. We had to start on a structure for an essay for Mansfield Park . This should have been easy. Due to my limited social life, my copy was extremely well thumbed. But my mind was otherwise elsewhere.

I didn't even take much notice when Lauren "accidentally" decided to knock over the pile of sheets on my desk then proceed to say, "Oh oops. I should say sorry, but seems as you don't, I won't."

She seemed to find this immensely hilarious, though. I think she thought that she was getting to me. It would have had to be something a lot worse than that to get me down. Especially today. I do have to admit though, this Lauren is really starting to bug me. I mean, why does she have to be such a complete bitch? What the fuck have I ever done to her?

Mr. Varner, the ass of a Math's teacher, seemed to notice my lack of attention though. I swear he looked at my work at least 5 times. He didn't ever say anything though. He seemed to find it an amusing little joke to communicate like me. I obviously do not. He most definitely is my least favorite teacher in this shitty town.

Spanish and Government weren't too bad. Some guys thought it would be funny to call me 'silent swan" –yea, very original—through the whole lecture during government. And even though I'd scored 95% on that freaking test of hers the other day, my Spanish teacher - who I still can't for the hell of me remember her name - decided to give me freshman work, just so I could apparently get into the swing of things. I should have been a lot more pissed off than I was.

Lunch came and went, luckily. I sat in the stall in the girl's bathroom, just to be sure. I sat and read Mansfield Park , for the umpteenth time. At least it got me prepared for my essay. I wasn't a topic in the girls bathroom gossip today either, thank god. Hopefully, I'm just turning into the background like I was in Phoenix . Maybe that's the closest I can ever get to normality.

So, I was all prepared to well…confront Edward before it actually came close to the time. I remember walking down the halls feeling quite smug. I had everything planned. This was almost going to be like my act of bravery. I was actually going to have a conversation with someone. It was weird, because I was meant to be angry with him yet, I actually felt happy.

I walked through the door of biology and I saw him sitting there at the desk. He wasn't looking at me, but as far as I could tell, he wasn't angry with me. A good sign. He was wearing an obvious designer long white shirt, which showed his muscles slightly. Is it weird that I noticed what he was wearing? No, that doesn't matter. As soon as I saw him, all my confidence went out the window. I suddenly felt petrified again. I completely choked and backed out of doing it entirely.

It seemed so obvious now; that the whole thought was stupid. I mean, he probably thought I was weird anyway, but if I started passing notes to him in class, he would think I was some kind of stalker or psychopath. I mean, what am I to him? He and his family could be more compared to gods then high schoolers. I knew I wouldn't stand a chance.

When I sat down though, I noticed a folded sheet of paper on my chair. I have to admit, diary, I thought it was some idiot playing a trick. I contemplated throwing it away without even reading it, but curiosity got the better of me as always.

The words written on it were beautiful and elegant, like that of a medieval script or poet, not of a seventeen year old boy.

_Hello, I'm Edward Cullen. I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You're Bella Swan, right? How do you like Forks?_

I half fainted at this. It wasn't at all what I was expecting. It could as well have been a joke, but to be honest, he didn't seem like the joking type at all. There were a million things I wanted to say and a million more that swam through my head.

Like, how did he know my name? I mean, my name as in Bella, not Isabella. I hadn't mentioned that to anyone. Charlie must have told Carlisle I suppose. But were they really that close? This made me all the more suspicious.

And of all the things I could have wrote. I could have sounded like someone normal, even someone as mysterious as he was, maybe I could have confronted him there and then. But instead, I sounded like a buffoon.

_Hi. Nice to meet you. It's ok, thank you. _

My ugly scrawl practically ruined the paper next to his. I wanted to rip it up and tear it into a million shreds but I decided he'd already decided I was a freak as it was, so I just slid it towards him across the table.

Something about my note made him smile, slightly. Although, there was nothing at all funny about it. This annoyed me, but nowhere near as much as I should have been.

Mr. Banner was then speaking, showing us some kind of project to do the genetics of stem cells. I wasn't paying much attention.

I thought that would be the end of our note passing. Just a friendly gesture. Only when Mr. Banner turned his back to the chalk board, Edward passed me another note across the table, so quick I almost didn't catch it.

It read:

_How are you enjoying the snow? I bet you didn't get much of that in Phoenix ._

Another batch of questions filled my head. I could have sworn I had never mentioned that to anyone, ever, same as my name. My only presumption was Charlie, but why would Edward know that? Were Carlisle and Charlie, or even Carlisle and Edward, really that close?

At least at this part I could be honest.

_Not Particularly. _

I passed it backed to him, only this time he was looking straight at me and I was looking straight at him. I felt a jolt inside me which made me feel like giggling. I didn't quite understand it. I was boring straight into his eyes. But they were different or so I thought. Last week, they had been dark almost black now, they could almost be compared to shining topaz's; they were so much of a sparkly butterscotch. Another weird fact. They were adding up. But then again, they could have been contacts.

He spoke out loud this time though. I never noticed before, but his voice is like silk. Just as, and maybe more, as musical as Carlisle 's voice had been yesterday. Only this voice didn't make me feel shy. Well, it did. But then again it didn't. I felt like I wanted to hear more.

"So," He presumed, "You don't like the cold weather then."

I thought of reaching for the piece of paper and writing, but he had me so awe struck. Then I nodded, like a complete fool.

He turned away for a while, focusing on Mr. Banner's speech. He was completely still, I noticed, and was keep a large gap between us. This pissed me off, slightly. Why did he keep that distance?

Did I smell or something? I mean, I thought that was one of the areas I excelled at- hygiene. It didn't tend to involve speaking of any matter. Perfect. Obviously not.

I could hear a girl talking behind us then that I'd never heard speak before but I knew she was one of Lauren's little gang members. I turned my head slightly to see who she was speaking to. It was that baby faced blonde boy, who'd played volleyball with me.

"I don't know who's a bigger freak. That Isabella girl or Cullen," she said.

…

**To be continued in chapter 24... Reviews would be fantastic please.**


	24. Thursday 13 January 2005 8:00pm Part 2

**The diary entry, continued from last chapter. Please Review. Enjoy!**

The blonde boy replied, "I know who I think." But at the tone of his voice and the way he was now glaring at Edward, I didn't particularly think he meant me..

I couldn't help noticing that Edward laughed at this as well. Had he heard it? He looked completely absorbed in Mr. Banners speech, but I knew that there was nothing at all funny about that.

He spoke again, only a few moments later.

"You must have difficulties, living here in Forks then?"

Difficulties, he had no idea. I'd been talking to him, for a few minutes and he had already figured me out. Was I really that easy to read?

I blushed at this which made it obvious and pretended to be paying attention to Mr. Banner, although I kept giving slight glances towards him, and at one point our eyes met again. I blushed once more. Damn, stupid blood.

He slipped a note to me sometime later.

"_So, why did you move here then?"_

I couldn't help but think the note was slightly rude and as if it was meant as a warning. Just like all the others kids had thought and even said. Why was I here? Why didn't I just move back? In fact I think I heard that from Lauren and her cult almost daily and it hadn't even been a week yet.

I had no idea how to answer. I wasn't exactly going to put, my shrink sent me because he thinks I'm a lunatic. No, I don't think that would have gone too well. And lying didn't seem like much of an option. I couldn't think of any possible scenarios, sitting there with him. My head was on a cloud.

He seemed to see the confusion in my eyes and started to reach for the letter. I started to pull it back so I could finish. And, at that moment, our hands brushed each other.

And it was the strangest of feelings. I couldn't comprehend it what so ever. His skin was the silkiest of smooth, like velvet in his touch, yet it was as cold as the snow outside. But that wasn't what shocked me so much per say. It was the electric shock feeling, that struck through my arm through my whole body at that very moment, which toasted me from the inside. What's more, is to say I liked it.

He jerked it away immediately though, which somehow made me feel quite sad. I wanted to keep on feeling. I couldn't exactly go asking for it. This was the first proper conversation I'd had all week, if it could even be considered a conversation and I didn't want to spoil it.

"Sorry." He said almost immediately. "You don't have to explain anything. I understand."

Did he understand? Did he really? I didn't know what he meant by this. I mean, I doubt very much that he could ever have experienced anything of this sort. But this still added to the mystery that was him. With all my conspiracies, I could write a book.

He didn't speak again until a quarter of an hour later, but he still managed to carry on the earlier conversation.

"I'm sorry. That was rude. You just, seem _unhappy _here."

Was it really that clear? I put on a brave face, all this time at school, for nothing. This boy had figured me out within one lesson. It really showed me that all in all, I really shouldn't even bother.

I thought of not answering him, of simply ignoring him. It was rude of him to ask questions like that, but I had the feeling he didn't mean to be. That he was just trying to figure me out. Like I was him. I quite liked the thought of that.

So I shook my head, just as gently and quickly as I could, but he seemed to get the point. I thought that was the end, once more, but apparently not. He glanced very quickly at me. Still keeping that unbearably long distance between us. Then spoke again, this time only in a mere whisper.

"That's understandable."

He seemed to be unhappy about something also. I couldn't quite fathom it. He was sympathetic in his tone, but also seemed in a world of his own. I thought I best not disturb him from it, so I grabbed the note and began writing again.

_My condition complicates things._

I put it in the middle of the table, to avoid touching him again as much as I wanted too. He didn't take it at first and I didn't think he would, but he did all the same. And he seemed to reread the words several times.

"Oh." Was all he could say, but he began writing anyway.

_That's doesn't seem fair, you having to be here, when you don't want to be. _

I sighed at that. How did he know so much about me? How had he figured me out so well? Was I really that easy to read? Being a mute, I've always presumed that keeping secrets was easy for me. Edward Cullen seemed to figure them out within seconds.

I nodded at this, but began writing again anyway.

_Life isn't fair._

I was surprised at myself for writing that. I truly was. If there was ever a moment he would have considered me a freak, if would have been then. I could imagine what was going through his mind then. That I just wanted attention, that I pretended my life was awful when it wasn't and like everything, this whole not speaking thing was probably a phase. A chance for attention. It was a good thing he couldn't see my cuts too. Although he probably already knew about them.

But he wrote back anyway.

_I couldn't agree with you more._

I knew then, that Edward Cullen is as mysterious as I thought him to be. But I didn't quiet know how. But I will. I most certainly will. Just like me, he has a secret hidden from everyone else. And because of this, I couldn't quite help but feel even more close to him than ever before. We had more in common than I first was led to believe.

I was about to write back, about what I have no clue, but he'd taken the note from my hands again. This time our skin didn't touch.

He wrote so much quicker, but still as elegant this time.

_I believe you're suffering more than you let on._

He was looking at me again, only this time he looked slightly…pained. Was that the right word for it? I stared back, though my stomach seemed to be doing belly flips doing so. He could tell. He could tell I was suffering. He knew it wasn't just my move to Forks either. He hadn't said, but I somehow knew, he knew.

I tried to ignore his questioning eyes though, as mine were starting to fill with tears. He seemed to notice the effect the question had had then.

"I'm sorry." He spoke. "I'm right though. Aren't I?"

I felt like I could have collapsed there, into his arms crying, but my rationality told me otherwise. I nodded anyhow. I saw his hand reach out then. I think he was going to touch my own, but his instincts must have told him otherwise and just as fast as before, he pulled away and started writing again.

_Forgive me. That was extremely rude. You're just so difficult for me to read._

Difficult to read. Difficult to READ? He'd practically figured out my life story within minutes. And yet, he thought me difficult to read. Me. He was becoming more and more of a mystery to me. I didn't know what to write. What did you say to something like that? "I don't believe you" Seemed a little bad-mannered as this point in the conversation.

_Really. _I wrote._ I suppose that becomes with the territory of being a mute. _

He seemed just as confused by my answer, as I was. It was the first time I'd mentioned that word in the whole conversation. Even writing it made me feel dirty, wrong.

"Maybe it does, although I wouldn't say that was exactly the case." He finally said.

This confused me further. He didn't seem to be talking to me, but himself. Very mysterious.

We were as you can say, saved by the bell then. Edward left just as quickly as he had done in the class that very first day. I thought that was the end of it all.

Then I noticed the last words that he'd scribbled on the note.

_It was very interesting to speak to you Bella Swan._

I know it was wrong, but I kept the note. I don't know why, but I did. It is safely tucked into my issue of Mansfield Park . That has suddenly become my favorite novel.

I've already read the note, countless times, I can't stop myself. Each time I think of new ideas. New conspiracies. I've never been so interested in a person in my life.

What's more, I think I may have even found a friend. Possibly. My mind keeps changing. I'm not sure whether to like or dislike this fact. I'm not even sure if he likes or dislikes me. He is probably the most interesting person I've met here. Maybe the most interesting person I've ever met. Who knows?

One things for sure. I can not stop thinking about him.

Yours,

Bella

**So, what did you think? Finally, after 22 chapters Edwards in the picture. This is a lot like the book, I know, but I didn't want to change it too much, as it's a very crucial part.**

**Thanks Everyone. Review Pretty Please. **


	25. Friday 14th January 2005 3:00am

**Ok, so I'm so sorry for the super long wait. Eek over a week. You must all hate me. Anyway my week was very busy, so I didn't get to start writing until the other day. **

**Thanks again, so much to the fabulous XEdwardsLilCullenX she is the best beta in the whole word. I'm eternally grateful to her loyalty. **

**Reviews would be absolutely terrific. Enjoy!**

_Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. - Jeanne Moreua_

_Friday 14th__ January 2005 - 3:00am_

Dear Diary,

I think I'm going insane. These dreams, they're getting even clearer, even more vivid. I thought perhaps that this would have been the end to them. I actually went to bed last night, almost, well, happy. Yes, I think happy is the word for it.

This dream was so different, yet exactly the same, as the others. I can't really explain how. It just, well, really…was. Maybe one of the stranger things was that it had nothing to do with me.

It was actually about David. Well, not just David, but Suzie, Melanie, and even Edward Cullen too. But mainly David. Definitely mainly David.

It started as a memory. At least I think it was a memory. I had never remembered it, until tonight. This makes me think, all the more, that it was part of my imagination. It wouldn't have been the first time this week, after all.

He was about six, maybe seven. He and Melanie were up on Pirates Peak . It must have been the early days of their friendship, as he was ultimate shy and reclusive. They were sitting, just sitting and talking, but I couldn't hear the conversation. It was muffled, like when someone tries to speak in water. It was like I didn't want to hear the conversation. Or, something was stopping me from hearing the conversation.

But the body language told enough. I could see them edging nearer and nearer towards each other. Melanie sat fiddling with her hair. I'd never seen her act so feminine and flirtatious before. This makes me think, more that it was a dream. Though, part of me thinks that maybe this was a part of Melanie that I never got to see.

David sat twiddling with his thumbs. That was odd too. David was shy; he always had been, but never, never around Melanie. Like his Mom had always said, she brought out the best in him.

It seemed like this would carry on forever but then at one point, they were so close their noses were actually touching. Melanie blushed and turned away. And David had leaned away from the close proximity. But then something changed in both their minds. As then their lips were pressed together.

The image wasn't quite right. I distinctly remember their first kiss, at least two years after this event. It had been the last day of fourth grade, David was to go away to Soccer camp - his dad had never really comprehended that David was no jock - , for the whole summer. And he and Melanie had been hugging each other at the school gates. Then, Melanie had shifted onto her tip toes and they had kissed, in front of the entire school playground.

Although now that I think of it, they had both been extremely confident, especially being only fourth graders. It could have been possible they had kissed for much longer than that. No, that's silly. Melanie would have told me. And if this was a memory, it wasn't like it had any connection to the accident, so how come I didn't remember this before?

No, the odds were too high against it for this to be real.

The dream changed after that scene, but it was extremely similar. As were many that followed. Little clips. Memories - perhaps. Though they didn't seem to be mine. All of Melanie and David's. It was like their lives were flashing before my eyes. You could tell in each one that they were slowly changing, growing older. Yet, every one of them had these blocked conversations like the first. Some had kissing, some didn't. But in each one, you couldn't deny the love that was growing between them.

Whether they were memories or not, this was certainly true. I never really paid much attention to it. Not really. Just the attention that any friend would. I mean, I had always known that they had loved each other. But seeing it in front of me like that showed me how truly strong their bond was. Possibly stronger than mine and Mellie's was.

Could it be possible that two seven years old could have been _in _love, not just love each other, but to actually be _in_ love with each other?

Sometimes, Suzie and I or other people would appear in these clips, but we never stayed for long. And the way we were shown made it seem that we were insignificant. What really mattered were the two children, each time falling more and more in love with each other.

I could have stayed and watched these images all night. They made me peaceful, serene even. It gave me more of that jolted feeling than any romantic comedy ever could. It was real.

But it couldn't stay that way of course. This is me, isn't it? I possibly, have the worst luck in the world. So why should I be happy?

It was that day, of course. Yes, of course it was. Only, this time the perspective was entirely different. As if from an on looker. Though the words were still muffled to me. I could see myself, shouting at her and her shouting back. I'd never really paid much attention to David's face before. Despite how many times I'd had this dream. Now, I did. And it was like; somehow, this whole dream had to be based on David.

He was scared. No. More than scared. He was petrified. Mortified. Terrified.

Whatever you want to call it. He looked more scared than I had ever imagined. It even horrified me just to watch him.

Then I saw myself, throwing the rocks, again and again. Even now it made me cringe.

How could I have been like that?

I thought, perhaps, it would have kept on playing. That maybe, this was the time I would remember. But of course, I'm the girl with no luck. Though, perhaps it's for the best. I'm just as scared as I am intrigued by my memories.

It changed then and so did the perspective. It wasn't an on looker anymore, but I was seeing through David's eyes.

He was leaning over Melanie's cold, lifeless body, he was crying, shouting with pain. I couldn't see myself or Suzie, but I knew exactly where David was.

The sound was muted, like it had been the whole way through, but just for one brief second it was as if it had been lifted. And I could hear David's words.

"Don't leave me. I love you."

And then he bent down to move his lips against her cold and lifeless ones, for just a brief moment. I haven't ever remembered this before.

The images continued to flicker, one by one. All muted, like before. Though, these were quicker. They were also more painful and the warmth I had felt had gone with these new images. Every one of them included David, though very few I can actually remember from my real memory.

Some were everyday, him eating his breakfast, him playing his guitar, him doing his homework. Though some were most definitely not. One, quicker than possibly all the rest, lasted merely a second. It was late at night and David was in the cemetery. Of course, that cemetery. He was lying asleep, his arms wrapped around Melanie's grave. Of anything, I think that was one of my more disturbing memories.

Another, I saw him on the beach with his family. He had walked further up than his parents and was drawing in the sand. I don't think he even knew what he was drawing and neither did I at first. But then I saw it clear as day. It was Melanie. He sat there and cried, rocking himself back and forth, staring at it. A little boy then ran over it, without even noticing. David ran after him, slamming him into the ground and pinning his arms back. He didn't let go until the boy's father pulled him off.

All indicated one thing. David missed her, missed her more than anything.

The most vivid of images would have to be the one of the very last. David was the age he is now. Obviously by the stubble starting to form on his chin and the length of his lankier legs. He and Suzie were talking. No, not talking. Arguing. Maybe. I'm not sure. I could only judge by their lips. Suzie seemed to be talking, acting calmly.

Though David could not.

He slammed his fist into Suzie's stomach, leaving her winded on her couch. Then ran back to his house. I saw him take the first box of pills that he could from the cupboard and ran to the bathroom. He raked in his Mom's makeup bag to find some dark red lipstick.

He started to write on the big mirror above the sink. He started to write my name.

_Bella I…_

But he stopped. Something had changed his mind. He threw the box of pills into the garbage and rubbed off the lipstick with a wet towel.

The image had me all shook up. Had he actually tried to commit suicide? And, what exactly was he trying to tell me? All these questions rolled through my head.

And just as I thought, all my questions were to be answered. The scenery changed once more, for the last time. It was back at Pirates Peak . David and Melanie were sitting together yet again. Only, this time it was different. They weren't scrawny seven year olds. They were practically adults. Teenagers maybe.

Melanie was hardly recognizable; she had become prettier over the years, growing into her large features. David was more so recognizable, but still there were many differences. It was weird, I knew the seventeen year old David, but he was much different to this David. This David's skin was a lovely golden glow, evenly tanned. His hair, still floppy and boy like, was shorter, more styled. And most importantly his sparkling blue eyes glistened with happiness.

I only saw this image for a brief amount of seconds, but it stuck in my head all the same. And then I wasn't an onlooker so much, but a participant. I wasn't seeing through David's eyes though, but through Melanie's.

He was leaning in to kiss her. To kiss me. This shocked me slightly. I started to pull back. He was kissing Melanie, but he was also kissing me, I was seeing through her eyes.

It was only when I started to pull back, did the features in David's face start to change. His skin turned a luminous ivory, his eyes a fluorescent gold, his hair a soft bronze. It was Edward leaning in to kiss me. Not David. I didn't pull back, the shock and even joy of it, had me paralyzed. He got so close.

But of course I had to wake up.

I'm not sure what to think diary. My head feels like it's about to explode. I can't comprehend what this is all supposed to mean.

I'm confused.

Yours,

Bella

**Chapters 26 & 27 should be up asap. They've both been written, just waiting to be beta-ered. And knowing XEdwardsLilCullenX's super speed & efficiency that shouldn't be too long, either. Starting chapter 28, tonight as well, so that should be up pretty soon as well. Reviews would be fantastic. Thanks! **


	26. Friday 14th January 2005 6:00pm Part 1

**Ok. So Chapter 26 is Up people. Another split diary entry. This longest I believe so far. Not much mystery, just a whole lot more Edward & Bella.**

**Yet again, thanks to the rather fabulous XEdwardsLilCullenX. She is such a fantastic & efficient & wonderful & brilliant & sweetest & nicest & perfect (starting to run out of adjectives now) & coolest beta in the world. I don't know how I ever managed without her.**

**Hope You Enjoy! Pretty Please Review if you can!**

_The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return - Moulin Rouge_

_Friday 14th__ January 2005 - 6:00pm_

Dear Diary,

School wasn't half that bad today. Though, I wouldn't go as far as enjoyable. But not half bad, seems just about appropriate. It didn't particularly start out as such a good day, actually it was far from it.

Due to the fact that I spent half the night worrying about all the crazy dreams that keep occurring in this god forsaken town and that Charlie decided to snore exceptionally loud last night, as you can imagine, I didn't get much sleep.

And when I did, I slept through my alarm. Which made me so late that I had to get dressed in the space of 5 minutes, merely combing my fingers threw my hair and rubbing a little bit of toothpaste over my teeth. I skipped breakfast and didn't even bother making my bed. But regardless, I was still late for school.

Mr. Mason wasn't too bothered. Which I suppose was something to be thankful for.

Mr. Varner probably would have made me stand up at the front and explain or something. All Mr. Mason did was point me to my desk without even looking up at me.

Lauren took the opportunity to have her say though. Not that I paid that much attention to her. I'm learning now, to ignore this cow, she obviously doesn't feel like stopping any time soon. Most of her insults are the usual, the kind of shit I heard back in Phoenix .

Though, there were some thing's she said that really tugged at my heartstrings. It's like she doesn't just take a kick out of bullying me, but she actually hates me. I can't even figure out why.

I surprised myself at one point, by almost retaliating her. She'd been going on and on and it was really starting to get on my nerves. But I kept my head down, focusing on my work never the less. This made it harder to hear. And less likely for her, or anyone else for that matter, to see my tears. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction.

Though, there was this one time when I'd stood up to take my essay on Mansfield Park to Mr. Mason. She hadn't spoken in a while. This could only mean one thing. She was building something up. And surprise, she was.

"So I hear you and Cullen have become nice little friends." She giggled in that ridiculous nasally voice.

I didn't even think. I should have just ignored it. I had expected myself to. I think even she had expected me to. But the mention of his second name made me swirl around on the spot to face her.

She raised her eyebrows at me, smirking darkly. Evil bitch must have been having some kind of fun out of this. I had showed emotion at something. This was new to her. And she was going to dig into it.

"What you gonna do start a freak show with his family?" Asked one of the Lauren

copycats.

I should have moved then. If anything, this would have been the time to leave, but I still stood there like an idiot, glaring at her. It confused me while I did. And it even confused me now. Why the hell did I do it?

"Huh, maybe Edward like's the freak cases. Maybe he gets a kick out of it." said another one of her copycats.

I thought I was going to throw myself at her. At that very moment it seemed like a very good idea. I was suddenly extremely defensive. And I felt I needed to redeem Edward. It didn't feel right for these people to gossip about him. I was the freak, not him.

"Hey, maybe we should follow suit. Wish the bitches around here would keep quiet, if you know what I mean." An Asian boy, from a couple of rows back shouted. He high-fived his neighbor, it made me want to hurl.

What really annoyed me the most though was Lauren smug look. Like she had intended for all this to happen. How could anyone be so sadistic, to enjoy hearing things about others? I'm starting to think Lauren may have more issues than just being a plastic bully.

I finally let all my defensives go, but not in the way I had hoped. The tears were beginning to poor down my face, like some kind of waterfall. I wanted to run out the classroom in that very second, but for some strange reason I stayed put. Curiosity got the better of me, I suppose.

Lauren and her friends of course noticed straight away. And it was hardly like they would feel any sympathy towards me.

"Aw. How cute." Lauren whispered sarcastically. "She's crying."

I thought that was the end of it, as most were either laughing now or joining in with Lauren. So I turned round to walk out the door. I couldn't bare it any longer.

But Lauren grabbed hold of my wrist and whispered so only the two of us could hear,

"He doesn't date. He never has. And apparently never will. What makes you think you're so special? You're nothing but a _freak_!"

She let go of my wrist then. Pulling herself back down into her chair. There were a million things I could have done. Slapped her, would have been the obvious. Spit in her face, maybe. But I did the ultimately strange and yet somehow perfect thing.

I smiled. I don't know if any of the Forks kids had ever seen me smile. But the look on Lauren's face was priceless. It made me smile even more. Then I shrugged, waving my fingers at her, like she does with her little gang and walked up to give Mr. Mason my essay.

I probably did the most surprising thing of all, by actually returning to my seat. Lauren didn't speak at all after that. I think she was too dumbfounded. This made me feel quite reassured.

The day was looking up a little at least.

The morning continued quite quickly. Which I quite enjoyed. I couldn't have asked for anything better. I had a few taunts, but they couldn't get me down, not after the fiasco with Lauren. Government, Spanish and Trig, passed in a blur of time. Even Mr. Varner seemed in an okay mood today.

Lunch was inevitably dreadful, but what else could I have asked for exactly. It was always going to dreadful. I did actually manage to face up to try and buy some lunch today though. Which is a start, I suppose.

I couldn't help but watched the Cullen table, as I queued. Watching them was like watching a movie scene. It was quite enjoyable actually. Not that it should have been, but it was.

I was so absorbed into their actions that I didn't even realize the lunch lady calling me. It was embarrassing, but luckily no one but her noticed. She did seem like an awful let down, with her wrinkling aged face and yellowing teeth, after watching the Cullen's.

Perhaps it was a strange thing to notice now. But I had never seen them eat. Never and I'm absolutely serious. It was a little weird to be honest. Didn't stop me from staring though. I stared until I had finally reached the cafeteria door. Part of me wanted me to sit with them. But then I thought of the day with Rosalie and that stare she'd given me. I thought perhaps it would be exceptionally better to avoid.

So I spent the remainder of lunch in the toilets like I usually did. There was a talkative gang of girls, as usual. And the gossip continued at always. I even think my name was swished around a little. But I didn't pay the slightest bit of attention. I was too busy counting down the minutes until biology.

It made me think. Edward had occurred in my dream. He had leaned in to kiss me and yet I hadn't pulled away. It made me both scared and intrigued to meet him again. I wanted to say -for lack of a better word - something witty, funny, and mature. I wanted him to like me, really. More than anything. He is really becoming quite a fascinating person. And yet I barely know him. How odd.

Finally Biology came.

He was already at our table. He looked up at me when I entered and seemed to hold his breath. He looked quite worried, to be honest. But then he smiled slightly. It was a crooked smile. I like the look of it. Is that strange? It was what Suzie would have called "It makes you go weak at the knees."

He waved a fresh new note that looked like it had been perfectly torn from his workbook. I practically fell over about 5 tables I couldn't get there any quicker.

When I did get there, I acted all cool and suave. Well, I tried anyway. Pretending to ignore him. But it was becoming all the more frustrating. There seemed to be an electric buzz that was now forming in the space between us.

Thankfully he was the first to do anything.

"You know…I know you don't speak, but a hello would be nice" He smiled, that "knee weakening" smile again, "Or a wave."

He seemed in a much less serious mood then yesterday, that cheered me up slightly and I gave a slight smile. I collected the note from his side.

And then I noticed it had already been written on.

_Hello Bella_

I love how he calls me Bella. No one else does here. That makes it just a special thing between us. Yeah, I like the thought of that.

_Hello Edward How was your morning? _I wrote back. I felt almost flirtatious. I liked the thought of that too.

He smiled at my note. An inside joke, I presume. He opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped and smiled again. He took the note instead.

_Purgatory I suppose. The usual. And yourself?_

He seemed generally concerned about my welfare. I could see it in his eyes. I liked that too. I felt like being flirtatious again. This really was a first.

_Purgatory…seems the right word. I much prefer Biology. _

I was confused by the look Edward gave me as he read my response. He seemed to smile at it at first, but then something seemed to have clicked in his head and he seemed very cold towards it, leaning himself further away from me than he already was. His next note left me confused and angry.

_You shouldn't_

….

**To Be Continued…Reviews Would Be Lovely!**


	27. Friday 14th January 2005 6:00pm Part 2

**Continued from Chapter 26. Enjoy!**

…

I was going to breach as to why not, but I thought otherwise as I could see the pained expression, now imprinted on Edwards face. Mr. Banner started talking moments after and, though neither me nor him seemed interested in it, we both pretended at the very least to be.

His next note didn't come until a good quarter of an hour later.

_I deeply apologize, that was rude of me. _

This one seemed quite strange to me. It seemed too formal and old fashioned to be written by a seventeen year old boy. It was another mystery that belonged to Edward Cullen.

_You're forgiven. _I replied, my own handwriting scrawl even at my neatest next to his beautiful penmanship.

I smiled at him to show this, but he didn't seem to happy about this note either. What exactly had I said? What was wrong?

He didn't reply, which annoyed me somewhat. I contemplated on subjects to breach on. I had nothing. He was still really a complete stranger to me. What exactly was I meant to talk about? It all seemed a lot easier in the stalls of the girl's bathroom.

Then I realized one thing that I had been so dieing to find out yesterday, but it had…well I had chickened out at the last second. I almost chickened out then but luckily, curiosity got the better of me.

_Where were you? You were gone for like a week._

I tried to make it sound as casual as possible. But it still seemed like a demand. A plead. I wanted to ask more. His reaction to me on my first day. But I think I was being rude enough as it was.

"You noticed that." He stated. He seemed shocked by the idea. I don't know why, who wouldn't notice if he were gone?

It was more of a statement than a question, but I nodded anyway. Always better to keep the conversation going. I didn't think he was going to reply at first, but then so fast his hand grabbed the note and within seconds he'd already wrote it.

_I was out of town. Long Story. _

That wasn't anywhere near as much information as I had hoped for, but just looking into his eyes,

I could tell that was the end of the conversation.

I was going to reply, just in case, but he'd already taken the note from me.

_Is Forks becoming any more appealing to you?_

What, since yesterday? It was obviously a change of conversation. But a conversation, all the same.

But then I thought about it. Yeah, my opinion of Forks was becoming a lot less grim.

_I guess. Some things are better than others. _I replied. I looked up at him and blushed.

He looked away from me. I couldn't help but compare it to exactly what David had done in my dream last night. The similarities were obvious.

He changed the subject yet again. This annoyed me more, but I was still glad of the conversation.

_Aren't you making any friends?_

My first thought was no, of course not. It was obvious I was an outcast here. Even he should know that. Then I thought of Dr Slater. Well I could hardly consider her a friend, no matter how hard she tried. Then I thought about him. Edward. Was he what you called a friend? Sure he was. Though I hadn't made many in a while, it was hard to say. Though the word friend. With him I didn't like it. It didn't seem like enough.

I was going to mention that, but then thought otherwise. He didn't seem to like it when I talked of his friendship with him. Probably embarrassed like everyone else.

So I didn't mention it in my note.

_Not really. Like I said, my condition complicates things. I would much prefer to be normal again._

I wanted to get my note back as soon as I'd passed it. I'd given him too much information than I should have. I thought he would think of me as even more of a freak when he eventually reads it. But no, not at all. This was weird. He looked sympathetic again. This made my heart do a back flip inside me.

"Yes, I can…"He paused. He stopped to look at me then. His golden eyes seemed to be staring right into mine, right into my soul. He looked…confused? "You haven't always been like this."

I couldn't quite comprehend whether that was a statement or a question, but I shook my head otherwise and turned away to blush.

Although his eyes still stared perplexed towards me. It made me feel uncomfortable, but almost in a good way.

"I really don't understand." He admitted. And it looked like it too, in fact he looked quite angry by this thought.

Yeah, well I don't understand either. Join the club. I think he was going to push on about it, but then something made him change his mind and he returned to his work.

I don't know what made me do it, But I didn't like him being confused. I did something that I ultimately regret now.

_6 Years _I wrote.

He looked confused again, but then seemed to grasp it.

"You've been like this for 6 years." He said.

I nodded. He seemed to totally understand. Though I regretted it, it was still good to get it off my chest.

"How…" He trailed off; he obviously didn't want to hurt my feelings.

But then I stupidly wrote again. I'd known this boy a day and I was already delving into my secrets.

_It was an accident._

"Oh." Was all he could manage to say, but he took the note and wrote anyway.

_That must be awful._

His eyes were still tight on me, and mine were tight on him. It was like a link, that couldn't be broken. I felt that warming sensation filling my every limb again. I didn't want to let our gaze go.

_You can only imagine. _

He sighed at that. Another inside story that I wasn't going to be able to know. It did seem a little unfair that I was practically spilling my heart out, while he still stayed as reclusive as ever.

"Maybe. But…I…uh…"He struggled for words. "You're even harder to read than I thought. I mean…how…"

He was confused again. I was confusing him. I liked this. He seemed like a genius, yet someone as simple as me confused him. Maybe it's not that I'm not simple that's the problem, maybe I'm far from it.

_I don't know. I can't remember. I am who I am though._

This perplexed him further; he grabbed the note as soon as he could.

_You are ok with who you are?_

I didn't know if this was meant to be rude or not, but I answered anyway.

_I have to be. This is the way I'm always going to be._

He read it and practically slammed his fist down on the table, he was so confused. He wasn't angry. Not this time. Just confused.

He didn't speak again for quite some time. Mr. Banner had another lecture on cellular anatomy and we were all to take notes. I did, but still paid close attention to Edward. I had quite the habit of looking over at him, every time I looked up. And every time I wasn't disappointed. Confusion still showed in his knitted eyebrows and clenched fist.

His boyishly beautiful face made it a pleasure to look at. Sometimes I became too distracted.

About five minutes before the end of the lesson he reached for the note once more and wrote slower this time, in his beautiful handwriting.

_Do you truly believe that? Have you ever tried? You seem to have the determination._

He smiled then and so did I. It was like we were in a world of our own. It made it hard to concentrate while writing back.

_Yes, but It's been too long now. I have to accept it. _

I passed the note over to him this time and our hands brushed for a second time. This time is was more sensational than the first. Instead of a sting or a burn, it felt more like a spreading of fire, running through my body. It took Edward a lot longer to snatch his hand away this time as well. He didn't apologize this time though.

_Have you ever had any help?_

Any help. I wasn't sure what he meant by any help. Probably exactly the same sort of help everyone else meant. A trip to the shrink. That's help. But with Edward I could never be too sure.

_Yes, it never works._

He seemed to be working on an answer. He took in one deep breath and then seemed to be holding it. Had he been doing that all the time?

"Maybe you have had the wrong people helping you," He finally said.

I wonder what he meant by that. He probably meant my psychiatrists. Maybe he was a new age and didn't believe in any of that. It seemed with him, anything is possible.

Though, this seemed less likely. I then thought it may have been a jab at me, though his tone hadn't sounded particularly angry at all. And then I thought, maybe he was asking to help. Could that have been true? It sounded almost like it.

I got so close to asking him. But many question whirled around my head. In all, I had no idea what he had just meant.

_I don't understand _I decided to write.

He looked over my shoulder to see me writing.

"Huh. No me neither." He said.

The bell rang for the end of class. Sort of the opposite of saved by the bell, as there were so many things I still wanted to talk about and now I'd have to wait the whole weekend to.

He got up not even a second after the bell had rang. It stunned me slightly, the quickness of the movement.

I thought that was the end, but he seemed to remember something and turned midway through to face me.

"You know what? You're possibly the most interesting person I've ever met Isabella Swan." He barely whispered, so our fellow classmates couldn't hear. "I really can't figure you out."

And then, before I was even able to properly collect myself, he was out of the door.

Me? The most interesting person? When I was sitting next to him? Was beyond a joke. I hadn't spoken a word and yet he knew more about me than probably most of my classmates back in Phoenix did. And yet he still remained a mystery. I can't figure him out that's for sure.

Gym gladly passed quickly after that. I was still absorbed in our conversation, that I was even clumsier than yesterday. My Gym teacher I think is starting to hate me more than Mr. Varner.

When I walked to my truck from gym the weirdest thing happened, though. Edward was walking with his brothers and sisters. He gently smiled at me before turning round to step into his car. A shiny, silver Volvo.

His family, however, seemed to stare at me and they seemed to burn into my eyes, like I couldn't avoid them. They were all so different though, just like the appearances of this family. The blonde boy, Jasper, seemed abnormally still and his eyes were motionless. The other boy, the burly curly haired one, Emmett, seemed just as confused as Edward had been in Biology. And the blonde girl, Rosalie, her eyes burned with that same loathing feel, that she'd given me that day in the hall way. The strangest of all though was the little one, Alice's, she was almost smiling.

The only way to avoid their looks was to drive away. I am feeling more and more comfortable with Edward. Though I can't say the same for his family.

I'm starting to think that it's not so bad here now. I'm actually looking forward to school on Monday. I actually want to have a biology lesson.

Most of all, I want to see Edward Cullen again.

Yours,

Bella

**So. What did you all think? Reviews Would Be Fantastic.**


	28. Saturday 15th January 2005 7:35am

**Ok, so I'm really sorry this took a while to post up both me & my beta have had seriously busy weeks. I'm in desperate need of catch up on sleep. Infact I'm dropping now. Ok, so I hope you enjoy & don't forget to review people.**

_Saturday 15th__ January 2005 - 7:35am_

_Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. - Benjamin Franklin_

Dear Diary,

I'm scared. I'm scared of all that's happening. I'm scared of what I'm becoming. I'm scared for my sanity. I'm scared, diary. There's no way I can truly describe it other than, I'm scared.

I dreamt about David and Melanie again last night. This time, it was different though. It was bone chillingly different.

It started out at a party, it was Suzie's party. Her 11th birthday. It was a memory. I could at least remember that. Though why this memory had came into my dream, I still have no idea.

Suzie's 11th birthday had been one of the last parties I'd ever attended, before the accident. It was probably the closest I would ever get to these wild, teenage parties you hear about.

She'd hired a DJ and her only chaperone was her 19 year old cousin, who spent most of her time up in her room with her boyfriend. She'd even given Suzie alcohol, which I remember at the time, Melanie had fussed about for a least the first hour and a half of that evening.

Everyone had been having a good time. Even David, for once. And I know that David having a good time was real. That was no dream, that was a memory. Sometimes it's so unclear to tell which is which.

After a while, the party seemed to be dragging on. I thought this was my entire dream.

I was starting to find it almost boring. Nothing seemed to be happening. I couldn't exactly compare it to the dream I had had the previous night. That was different entirely.

But then I remembered exactly what happened that night. And as if on cue, David and

Suzie's shouting was starting to dull out even the music blasting. Everyone turned to look at them.

David had a tight hold of Suzie's hair and was pulling her so she was bent backwards and she was constantly hitting his stomach to get free. This wasn't what bothered me though; it was what they were saying.

"I know what you're really like _bitch, _you can't hide it from me." He said. It shocked me to hear him say that, although I remembered it clear as crystal. David was only a 5th grader, he didn't swear then. He hardly swears now.

Suzie looked up at him and spit in his face. It was really quite disgusting. I wouldn't have ever expected anything like that from Suzie. She was always so clean. So pristine you could say.

"Oh, like you're Mr. Perfect David. Give me a break. You're dirty little secrets aren't too hard to guess either." She said.

He let go of her then, but with just enough force that she tumbled into the side of the fireplace. She had a small cut on the top of forehead, it was bleeding excessively.

Suzie went missing to the bathroom for half an hour. David stayed around, but hardly said a word to anyone for that hold period. Not even Melanie.

Suzie eventually came out of the bathroom and asked if she could speak to David privately. I never gave two thoughts about it then or after the accident or ever really.

But it was all rather strange, that how David and Suzie had just been down each others throats and then just after a 5 minute private conversation, they were acting like the best of friends. This was weird for them usually, anyway.

The scenery of the dream changed then. David was sitting in his room, he had returned to 17 again now. He was looking at a picture from that night. That night of Suzie's birthday. It must have been after the fight, as barely visible was Suzie's scar on the side of her forehead and her and David seemed to be at ease. We all had our arms wrapped each over. All four of us. There was me, then David, then Suzie, then Melanie, all huddled together, smiles wide and bright.

But David looked far from happy now. He was angry and sad. As he kept looking more and more at the picture, his brow furrowed further and further down his head. It depressed me to see him this way.

He started to rip the very corner, where Melanie stood, making a small incision, but then he hesitated and drew his hands closer to the middle of the photo, where Suzie stood. He ripped it in half. Each half having two people on it. The first-- me and him. The second-- Suzie and Melanie.

He took a pen out from his desk drawer and wrote on the back of both half's with such a force that it dented the paper. The first the one of me and him he wrote:

_The Living._

And on the second, the one of Suzie and Melanie, he wrote:

_The Dead._

The instant I knew what he had written and I was petrified. I started to think of all sorts of possibilities that Suzie could be dead. I pictured her lying stone cold dead just as Melanie had done. It made me nauseous. I couldn't get my mind clear. Even in my sleep, I knew I was crying. And so was he.

He reached into his drawer and this time took out a small steak knife. It frightened me even more to conjure up the reasons as why that could be there. He fumbled with it in his hand for a second then suddenly stood up. He gripped it tighter in his hand. I'd never seen him look so angry or dangerous in my life. But then he hesitated. He began to cry again. He stabbed the knife down, onto the second picture. Right onto Suzie's head.

He walked to that same bathroom as my other dream. Got out that same lipstick. Picked up those same pills. He started to write just as before. Only this time, he had become more impatient, more rushed. His eyes driven with a mixture of fear and sorrow and temper. He started to write with the lipstick again, on that very same mirror on that very same spot. Only this time his message was longer. If only by a little bit.

_Bella, you must know the truth. _

He began to write more, but then he clenched his fist and slammed it against the spot where he had just wrote.

"Fuck. Fuck." He cried. "I can't do this. I can't."

And he just kept repeating, "I can't do this." "I can't do this." "I can't" "I can't".

He also ran back to his bedroom, leaving the bathroom in the same state.

He took hold of the half of me and him and tore it in half once more. He took the half of me and put it back in the drawer where he'd retrieved his pen and knife. Then he took the one of him and put it with the half of Melanie and Suzie. He then tore them up and threw them in the nearest trash can.

I couldn't get one thing off my mind as he did this. _The Dead_ & _The Living. _So why did it seem that I was the only one that was living?

I woke up shortly after that. I was shaking. Violently. I couldn't stop myself. Too many thoughts were rushing through my head, it was making it hurt. I'd soaked threw my pajamas from the sweat that was now glistening off me.

She appeared in front of me then. Melanie. A ghost, an apparition, an omen. What ever the fuck you wanna call it. But she was there. Oh yeah, she was there. Maybe I'm going crazy? Maybe I was hallucinating? Maybe so. But it was so real, that I wasn't able to move a single bone in my body.

"Bella." It whispered in Melanie's soft child voice. "Bella. Belsy. Bella."

Her face was distraught, it didn't suit her. Not like the way I remembered her. She looked so much older like this. Melanie didn't suit older.

She put her hands onto my shoulders. There was no feeling. Nothing at all. But there was a breeze, radiating colder than any other area, around that very area. It was like the feel of the freezer.

"Help him." It said. "You must help him."

Then she bent to kiss my cheek. Again that ice cold chill reached me where she touched me.

"Please Bella. Help him."

I opened my mouth, wanting to say many things. But I couldn't. I tried and tried and I couldn't. I could feel myself turning faint. I knew I was definitely going to.

She disappeared. Completely. I wanted her back. I needed her back. I could feel the blur starting to take control of my eyes.

I reached forward. Now just able to move my body ever so slightly.

"Melanie." A stranger's voice said. I had never heard it before. But it had occurred exactly the time when I had opened my mouth. I think it may have been me.

Impossible I know. But could it have been? I think. There was no other possibility.

I reached over then and was sick. A long fountain of red. My blood. Then the whole night went black on me.

I'm scared to get out of bed now. Scared to what the day might bring. Scared of everything that had happened last night. Scared of everything that's been happening for the past 6 years.

Help him. She had meant David. I'm sure. But how exactly am I meant to do that? I'm no help to anyone. Especially someone 1583 miles away.

I'm scared of what this will all bring diary. I mean, say this wasn't all real. That could only mean one thing - I'm going insane. They had always said that they should lock me up. Now more than ever I believe them.

Oh how I wish I could rewind to yesterday and be back with Edward in Biology. That seems like a totally different time now.

Edwards probably the only person who makes all my worries disappear.

Even if it's just for an hour everyday in Biology.

Yours,

Bella

**Ok, so hoped you liked. Wrote the next chapter, hopefully starting the next after that tomorrow, as I'm seriously too tired to do so now. Reviews would be wonderful. x**


	29. Saturday 15th January 2005 5:00pm

**Ok, so thank my rather awesome beta XEdwardsLilCullenX for betaing this chapter so quickly. She is well awesome. I have to say. I definitely recommend her as a beta & an author too. So if you get time please please check her out. You won't regret it. I've just read a sneak preview to her new fic & can I just say it is absolutely AMAZING! It made my cry even. **

**So I hope you like this chapter. Definitely no where near the most exciting but it serves a purpose. Reviews would be amazing. I ravish in them, you know I do. Enjoy!**

_Friends hold both the power to excel your life, or destroy it. - Adam Murphy_

_Saturday 15th__ January 2005 - 5:00pm_

Dear Diary,

I haven't been able to do anything today. I've been too shaken up. Everything keeps reminding me of last night. And more I think about it, the less likely it seems real. If Lauren, or the kids at Forks, or my bullies back in Phoenix , or even Suzie or my Mom knew what I was thinking, I can assure you that I'd get a one way trip to the lunatic asylum.

Which in all truth, is probably where I belong.

I cleaned up my mess from last night; Charlie's none the wiser, no one is. And this is the way I like it. The way I want to keep it. I tried doing homework, watching the flat screen, reading, even sleeping, but nothing could get rid of the image.

And out of everything that had driven me to a distraction all day, was the only thing I was trying to forget. That one thing that Melanie - no what I thought was Melanie - had said. "Help him."

Help him - what was that supposed to mean? She - I mean it…yes it…means to help David, I'm sure. But, how? How am I, the lunatic mute girl, going to be able to help him? I can't even sort out my own problems.

But something had driven me to want too. I wanted to help David, even though I of course didn't believe in any of this, but I still wanted too. Call it woman's intuition or whatever; I just had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he needed my help. And I wanted to give it to him as soon as possible.

It seems ridiculous now, the ideas that had formulated in my head today. Just to be able to help him. At one point I even thought about getting a plane back to Phoenix . I seemed to be a woman possessed. It was all I could think about. That he needed help.

At one point, I couldn't take it any longer. I grabbed the phone from where Charlie had it placed on the arm of the couch and I dialed David's house number. It had seemed like a perfect idea at the time.

I had obviously not contemplated the whole Mute thing, just then.

He answered within the first three rings. I wondered how David had been so close to the phone to answer it that early. David wasn't one to talk on the phone. I knew for a fact, that his Mother normally took that liberty. I didn't pay much attention to what he was saying at first.

"Hello. David Short." He had said, in his much more formal phone accent. It sounded much more like the sad David, never mind the happy David, who had occurred more recently in my dreams.

"Hello….Hello…Who's there?…Hello…" He continued to say.

I opened my mouth, half expecting words to come out, but nothing happened. I put the phone down immediately.

I can't speak. I should have known better. Despite what I think and heard and saw last night. I must be pushing the brink of insanity by now. I knew I couldn't talk and yet I tried too. Could I have been any stupider?

I remembered then, my computer sitting in my room. My emails, I hadn't checked those in a while. I didn't expect to have many. I never did in Phoenix . What would change that now?

To my surprise I actually had 20 emails. This must have been a record for me.

About twelve of them were all spam, advertising, the norm for my inbox. Which left me with eight actually hand typed emails. I felt excited about this. Though I didn't know why. I mean, I felt like I'd suddenly been elected Prom queen and yet all I had were eight lousy emails, four of which ended up being from my Mom. They were all the same. Carbon Copies of her previous emails. "How's the weather?", "How's school?", "How's you're father?" That sort of thing.

Then there were three from Suzie. I glanced at them quickly. They all seemed to describe the little world that is Lasuza Monroes. Boyfriends, parties, school, gossip…By the sounds of it, Suzie's life was starting to sound a whole lot better, without the burden of me.

The last was from David. It was the shortest of all my emails and yet the sweetest.

Dear Bella, I knew I would miss you; it was inevitable as the sun rising in the east. For you are a true friend. I hope you are enjoying your new home. Life here isn't the same. David.

David has always been the poetic one, even as a kid. At first we called him a sop.

David never seemed to act like a normal kid. He was always years beyond his peers. And I guess that's what makes David such a good friend. He isn't like everyone else and he prefers to be that way.

It didn't give much of a clue in his email though. Other than that he missed me.

Which I was thankful for. I mean, I missed him too. But it said he needed help. But what I was going to help him with, I still don't know.

I typed back a rather lame message. It should have been more eager, more straight forward, but it was all I could think of at the time.

Hi David. Great to hear from you. I miss you and Suzie. You are the greatest of friends. Are you ok? Is anything wrong, at all? Love, Bella

Very lame, I know. But I couldn't exactly tell him I had a scarily realistic dream where he almost committed suicide and his ex girlfriend had appeared as a ghost and wanted me to help him. That would be a one way ticket to the lunatic asylum for sure.

I didn't do much for the remainder of the day. I spent at least an hour and a half just in the shower. The steaming hot water made it much easier to forget everything.

I thought that things were at least getting back to normal by time Charlie got in. No such luck. He only had to top the icing on the cake.

"Bella." He called to me from the kitchen.

I came in and wiggled my fingers at him. I still felt great discomfort being around my Dad. I still wished I could talk to him. Like any normal person would.

"Dr Slater just rang me. She wants to have another meeting with you again tonight." He said.

Great, just fantastic. Time to visit the shrink.

I think it's best that I don't mention my apparitions. I've seen enough horror movies, so I know where they'll send me or do to me.

No, I'll keep it stashed away, with all my other dirty little secrets.

At least this way I can appear half sane…at least.

Yours,

Bella

**Ok, so there's chapter 29. Did you like/ love / hate? Will be writing the next chapter tonight. Reviews would be awesome. **


	30. Saturday 15th January 2005 10:46pm

**Ok, so sorry I haven't updated in absolutely ages. Me & my beta have been both been seriously busy. But despite that XEdwardLilCullenX still miraculously managed to fit in time to beta this for me. This chapters a little fluffy, but I thought I needed to bring it up on the depression level. Please Review. Enjoy!**

_I think one's feelings waste themselves in words, they ought all to be distilled into actions and into actions which bring results. - Florence Nightingale _

_Saturday 15__th__ January 2005 - 10:46pm_

Dear Diary,

Tonight was positively bittersweet. Well for the most part bitter, but at least one part was sweet. Or so I think.

It didn't help that I had all this shit that happened that I imagined last night. It was all buzzing inside my head, like a swarm of memories. I didn't need a visit to the shrink. Well, maybe I did but I certainly didn't want it. If there was anything, they'd fuss about what a nutcase I'm truly becoming or possibly already am, they'd lock me up for good. I'm sure of it.

I worried more about this on our tedious journey to Port Angeles. Another attempt for Charlie to hold a one way conversation, and another fail for Charlie to hold a one way conversation.

I was too preoccupied with all my thoughts swimming through my head most of the time. This just made me feel guilty, which distracted as well from Charlie. Although I felt awful for it, I didn't feel the need for Charlie to talk when I couldn't. It seemed unfair but maybe that was just because I wasn't exactly in the best of moods. I was grateful when after a few minutes he decided to shut up.

Charlie waited in the car this time around, leaving me to fend for myself. I couldn't help it, but I kept getting that feeling that everyone was staring at me. Like they all knew. I kept my head down for the most part.

Dr Call-Me-Carrie Slater, greeted me by opening her office door before I even had the chance to reach for the handle. This startled me, especially after the night I had.

Then, the worst thing was…she hugged me. I mean put her arms around my neck and hugged me. I didn't like the close proximity. I've never liked the close proximity. From anyone. Well, not until recently…

"Isabella darling," She said, her tone girly and high pitched. "How are you?"

I don't know why, but I got really annoyed when she called me Isabella. That didn't feel like my name. Not anymore. Apart from David and Suzie and of course my family, no one had ever called me Bella. Well except for…But Bella seemed my name more than ever now. Isabella seemed to be that shy mute little girl. Bella was different. Bella was the woman.

This makes no sense to me what so ever now, but somehow in that room I decided I was going to change. How? I have no clue.

Dr. Slater did unfortunately spoil my mood. Just when I was feeling all on top of my high horse, she had to knock me off. Of course, it was about time she mentioned it.

"So Isabella sweetie." Erg, she called me sweetie, "I'm sorry to say that we have something to discuss."

And that was it. Bella the woman had gone and in stepped Isabella.

She sat me down and gave me a piece of stale cake. I didn't eat it. Bribery. Another Dr. West trick. Great.

"Now tell me if I'm wrong Isabella." She looked up, as if she expected me to say something. "You were involved in an incident just under six years ago."

An incident. I hated it when people called it an incident. An incident is when people spill coffee or someone gets a busted lip from a fight in the playground. Not your best friend falling from a rock face to her death.

I nodded anyways. It wasn't as if I could argue back.

"Ah, yes." She got out a big brown file, all about me more than likely, and started to flick through it in that casual psychiatrist way that makes you feel guilty for no reason what so ever. "And so were a Mr. David Short and Lasuza Monroe, yes?"

I hated the way she made it sound all business like. I hated it even more that I couldn't shout at her. So I nodded again. She wasn't satisfied with this so she handed me that same wipe board and pen that I'd had on Wednesday.

I was in the mood just to be sarcastic, so I just wrote _yes. _I mean, what else was I suppose to write.

"I see." She pushed her glasses up her nose to magnify her eyes. This creeped me out slightly. They seemed too big. Too unreal. "And I understand something happened?"

I could feel the tears already gathering in my eyes. I didn't want to write back. I felt stupid enough as it was. I couldn't write back. So I didn't.

She wrote something down in her file again. This pissed me off. I really was just a test subject to her.

"You can tell me Isabella, you know that right?" She was trying to act all friendly, but I knew she was irritated and impatient. I didn't care.

"Isabella?" She waved her hand in front of my face. I got the sudden urge to punch her. I'm not a violent person, but this just isn't a subject I'm keen on, especially with the shrink. Thankfully it died down.

"Isabella, your friend, your best friend I believe, Melanie yes? Isabella she died that day didn't she?" She sounded sympathetic now.

It took me a while to nod, but I did so anyway.

"Would you like to discuss this with me?"

I shook my head. Not now, not then, not ever, as far as I'm concerned. Why couldn't I just forget completely? Wouldn't it all be better if I just forgot? I can't though. Not with all these people bugging me night and day about it. It'll never go away.

Thankfully that was the end of the conversation. She didn't breach anymore on the subject. Fair play to her, she's not that dumb. She went back to her pity talk. Asking me about books and movies. And then school. Surprisingly the school conversation wasn't too bad. It was when it got to friends that it did.

"So, Isabella." She just said casually. It was obvious she was going on to a touchy subject. "Your father tells me you are settling down here in Washington. Have you made any friends?"

I wanted to write on my board, _Mind your own business_ almost as much as I wanted to write, _No all the kids hate me and love to torment me,_ but then I thought about it. There was Edward. He was my friend. Wasn't he?

I found myself nodding enthusiastically for the first time today, probably this year. Bad move. This just made her all the more interested.

"Really? So what is she like?" She asked, sitting up in her chair now, fully intent on me.

She. Why did people always presume it was a she?

She seemed to get the general picture, as I realized I hadn't answered her.

"Or is it a _he_?" Her eyebrows had reached so far up her head, they disappeared behind her fringe. If she was intent before, she definitely was now.

The way she had said he, I liked that. I found myself looking away; the blush was already starting to form in my cheeks. But it was too late; she had already seen my scarlet face.

"Ah yes, most definitely a he." She was smiling now. We had connected for the first time ever.

All in all, it was extremely strange to be talking guys with your psychiatrist.

She looked at her miniscule watch then. I looked at the clock above the door. I'd been in nearly two hours. And it had dragged, apart from the very last bit. Which I suppose I could be glad for.

"Well I'm sure he's a very good _friend_ for you Isabella." She was smirking now. Some sort of inside joke. "I'll be down in Forks hospital during the week; perhaps we could meet up then."

I nodded but I was already practically sprinting to the door. I didn't expect her to say anything else. But she did.

"Oh and Isabella, if you need to talk about anything else. Something perhaps you need a female to talk to. A little personal. I'm all ears, off the record. You know when I was about your age…"

I didn't listen to anymore. I was already half way down the hall. No way was I going to talk about _personal_ things with my psychiatrist. No freaking way.

I slowed down when I got to hallway and I saw Edward's father, Carlisle. I half expected him to be there. Wanted him to in fact. It had felt like forever since I'd seen Edward. Something that reminded me of him, I would have been grateful for. So I listened at every door, turned my head at every bend. No Carlisle. No luck. Only wishful thinking.

Luckily the car journey home wasn't too bad. I had actually worked up a bit of enthusiasm and participated as much as I could as Charlie talked . This made him happier and me happier. It also made it go quicker. Much quicker.

When we got home, Charlie lunged himself into the house without a second thought. I would have done the same only I noticed something inside the back of my truck; it was glistening in the moonlight.

I would have usually thought it was just a candy wrapper or something but as usual, curiosity got the better of me.

It was a notebook. No, it wasn't just a note book. It wasn't very big, only about the size of my hand, but it was extravagant. That may seem far fetched, but it was. It was no doubt expensive, or was it? It made me think. That maybe just maybe somebody could have done this by hand but no, it was too perfect. In a way it seemed sort of old-fashioned yet it looked brand new. It was covered in fabrics and intricate little crystals that made up a defining pattern. There was no doubt about it. It was beautiful.

I opened it, unsure of who owned it. I thought it surely couldn't have been for me. I mean, who would have given something like this to me?

Though, inside was a another note. A typed one. No handwriting to define what so ever. It read:

_Bella. In case of future notes._

No name. No clue. No nothing.

Charlie? Surely not. Charlie was a plain, simple good guy. This seemed somewhat…_romantic. _A trick maybe? Maybe, but why would someone send me a notebook as a trick.

No, crazily enough I keep thinking of one person. Edward Cullen. But why would he send me a notebook this exquisite. I was the freak that sat next to him in bio.

Scarily enough, he was the most plausible option. It was both impossible, yet possible at the same time. And I treasured that.

I tucked it into my bag anyway and followed back into the house, Charlie totally unbeknown.

Who knows if I'll actually ever use it. It seems to perfect and delicate to do so. But then I feel like I was offending the sender if I didn't. I'm keeping it with me where ever I go though. Even at the tiny hope that Edward had sent it.

Maybe Dr. Slater was right? Maybe he could be a good _friend?_

In fact, now that I think about it, I think he could be a very good_ friend._

_Friend…_I like the sound of that.

Yours,

Bella

**Ok so I hope you all liked. Not my best, a little fluffy but I promise the next few you'll most definitely enjoy. And enjoy I mean yes there will be a lot of Edward. Thanks everyone for reading. I have joined the bandwagon and created a twitter so I'll add a link on my page or just search for me as OhJazzyOne and yeah I'll keep you posted about Mute and all my fanfics too. So that's it. Please if you can leave a review. x**


	31. Sunday 16th January 2005 10:23pm

**Ok, so Chapter 31. I felt that I neglected Charlie a little, so far in this fic. But I really wanted to show, how supportive Charlie is to Bella, so this is his chapter. Thanks to XEdwardLilCullenX for being a fantastic beta and also a great friend too, as always. Reviews would be lovely, my precious. Enjoy! **

_My father gave me the greatest gift __anyone__ could give another person, he believed in me. - Jim Valvano_

_Sunday 16__th__ January 2005 - 10:23pm_

Dear Diary,

Is it wrong to say I wish I could be left alone? Funny enough, all I've been begging for has been friendship. People to be there. But as proof of today, it's the exact opposite.

So I presumed this morning it was going to be another day all to myself. Charlie religiously spent Sunday's fishing. He has done so since I was a kid. But he chose today to be the fatherly figure.

I would have wanted to stay inside. I feel safe in the house. No disruptions from the outside world. Trapped in my own little bubble. I wouldn't have minded even watching the sports on the flat screen or playing board games or anything. Anything that kept us away from the people of Forks.

But Charlie was insistent that we go out and enjoy the day. I suppose he thought it was good weather. It was hardly that. It wasn't warm. Warmer. But not warm. It wasn't raining, which was a bonus, but the sky was still filled with clouds and was that dulling grey you see before a storm. Yet Charlie was still insisted that we went out.

You could tell there was tension between us. Charlie could tell. I most certainly could tell. Even those who walked past us could tell. Things can be awkward enough between a teen girl and her father. Put the fact that I'm speechless 24/7, and then it's practically impossible. But he tried, for all its worth, at least he tried. This has to at least count for something.

He took me to this small overgrown park at the side of town and bought me an ice-cream like a little kid. I thought at one time he was going to take me on the swings or something. Luckily he didn't. He did, however, decide to socialize by telling me a story of the middle schoolers who had tried to steal from the liquor store. He went on and on about such a good kid I was. If only he knew the truth. Huh!

He suggested we went hiking after that and although I didn't want to disappoint Charlie, I refused that. My balance is bad enough and there's already been enough rumors circulating me lately. So we went to some cheap diner for lunch.

It was awful.

It wasn't the food. No, the food wasn't bad. Neither was the waitress. She was nice. A little high pitched and overexcited plus she treated me like a five year. But overall she was… well…nice. No, it was the staring. The constant staring. We must have gone to the busiest diner in town. Everyone seemed to be staring right at us. Although I knew they were really staring at just me.

God knows what they've heard about me. If it's anything like school, then I'm sure the adults of Forks won't be too warm to me either.

Charlie tried his best to ignore it, but it even got to him after a while. He grunted under his breath; "Small town", "Everyone's business", "Not right".

I was barely listening to him though. I was watching the people of this supposed friendly diner, glaring at me with pure hatred. I'm pretty sure I really don't belong here. That's so obvious. Especially after today. So why can't I leave? Something is keeping me here. And even I don't know what that something is yet.

The people kept on glaring and staring. It was like a contest between me and everyone else. I was losing. I kept my head down for the most part.

Charlie calmed after a while. Mainly due to the fact that the waitress had given him a big, juicy, fat steak which seemed to need all his devotion. He didn't talk for a while then. Leaving me free to daydream. At least then it was easier to ignore my surrounding atmosphere.

It was destroyed though. By one middle aged woman.

"And to think the Chief had a pretty good life going for him before that _thing_ came along."

Itwas like Charlie had been taken over by another soul. I'd never seen him so angry. Truth be told, it scared me. It really scared me.

He turned to face the woman who was sitting a few rows behind us, drinking coffee with a gang of other gaggling middle aged women. I imagined somehow that this would be what Lauren and her friends would be like in thirty years time. But maybe that's the anger talking.

"If you have something to say _Silvia,_" He practically spat at her, "I would wholly appreciate it if you said it to my face."

The woman, Silvia, looked shocked; in fact the entire café looked shocked. I had never heard Charlie act like that before and apparently neither had they.

"Come on Bella. We'll go now."

He tugged on my arm; I was up as quick as possible. I half expected someone to say something. I guess in a small town like Forks, no one dares mess with the chief. Nobody seemed to be glaring at me now, which I guess I was thankful. People just seemed absorbed by Charlie's sudden mood swing.

He practically chucked the cash to the waitress, who seemed to have stuck frozen, tray in hand after the recent fiasco. Her face was almost laughable. Though, at the time I wasn't exactly in the mood.

Charlie pulled me to the door; I wasn't stupid enough to take another glance back. As I was though, I recognized another Lauren wannabe sitting by the bar. She had a cell phone flipped open. I looked away but it was too late, she had already taken a picture. I felt an urge to suddenly lunge myself at her in anger, but given the moment it was hardly appropriate.

Thankfully Charlie didn't seem to notice. And if he did, he did a very good job of hiding it.

When we reached the cruiser, he stopped before unlocking it and turned to look at me. His eyes seemed bloodshot. Had he been crying?

"Bella. Don't let what ever they say hurt you. Never let it get to you. You promise me Bella, never." I nodded; I tried hard to fight the tears. I had never seen Charlie so determined. "Good."

And then that was all that was said. Charlie went back to his flat screen after that. I went back to hibernate from the world in my bedroom.

There was nothing to do, so I opened my new found notepad. Smoothing each page with my fingers. Daydreaming of future notes…Of future notes with Edward Cullen.

I'm not quite sure when, but I fell asleep. I'd barely slept last night. Too much thinking. Not enough time for nightmares. But I dreamt then. No nightmare. No, it was far from a nightmare.

I dreamt of Edward Cullen.

Everything was Edward. I mean everything. Edward with me, Edward with his family, I even imagined Edward with a girlfriend which I wasn't exactly keen on. I don't know, he's not the type…

I could only have been asleep an hour when Charlie came bursting through my door. It awoke me immediately.

"Bella. Bella." He said, panting as if he'd been running. And by the judge of the sweat forming on his brow, he had. "Were you…were you…I thought you…You…You were talking?"

I became almost excited about this, but then realized that I had been asleep, so that was hardly possible anyway. I was then annoyed, more to the fact that I had been awoken from my dream.

I shook my head. He looked embarrassed.

"Oh well. Ok. See you later."

He was out the door then. Not another word. Not another sound. From either of us.

It's obvious I can't connect with even Charlie. I do prefer to be on my own. Especially here. Life just seems to be that much simpler. Although I miss Renee, Phil, Suzie, and David more than anything, I couldn't help but think that maybe all I wished for was to be left all alone.

…with perhaps one exception.

Yours,

Bella

**Ok, so hope you liked. Chapter 32 should be up asap. I'm in a happy writing mood at the moment. Thanks to everyone who has supported me so far. You all rock. Reviews would be completely awesome!**


	32. Monday 17th January 9:01pm

**Yay! Chapter 32 people is up. And in a sick kind of sadistic way this was one of my favourites to write. As always thanks to the fabulous XEdwardsLilCullenX. Anyways hope you enjoy. And keep those reviews coming people. Keep em coming. Thanks! Enjoy!**

_Love partakes of the soul itself. It is of the same nature. Like the soul, it is a divine spark; it is incorruptible, indivisible, imperishable. It is a point of fire within us, which is immortal and infinite, which nothing can limit and nothing can extinguish. We feel it burning even in the marrow of our bones, and we see it radiate even to the depths of the sky. - Victor Hugo From Les Miserables _

Dear Diary,

As much as I really should have hated today, I didn't. It could have even been the best day I've had here in Forks since arriving. Yet, nothing really special happened, well nothing special to a normal person, but it all seemed special to me.

I was fortunate enough to escape from any strange dreams or any strange things in particular last night. In fact, come to think of it, I don't remember what I dreamt of what so ever. I dreamt yet I'm blank to ideas of what. This is kind of unusual for me. But I was happy for once just to have a decent night's sleep, so I can't precisely complain.

My morning was average, well as average as life has been getting here. I spent the most part sitting at my computer with a bowl of cereal. I was disappointed that I hadn't heard from David, though the following day seemed so long ago now. Now that I look back I don't see what made me even so set on the fact that David needed my help. I mean, I'd based it all on a dream and, well, he'd been fine for the past six years hadn't he? And what could I possibly do to help? I need to stop being paranoid. These things, apparitions, whatever you want to call them, they seemed to have stopped. I should be grateful for that.

I didn't even see Charlie this morning. I couldn't see the point. I have been waiting for him to mention about anything that happened yesterday, but nothing so far…luckily. I'm waiting though. It'll come. One way or another.

I was up and out of the house, for once, on time. There was no need to hang about in my truck waiting today, as the bell went as soon as I stepped out. I searched for the silver Volvo, I now most definitely know as Edward Cullen's. And sure enough, there it was. Perhaps I was getting a little obsessive, but it made me happy. Happy that here I have one friend. And a true friend it seems at that.

Of course, the gossip had already spread about the weekend. The stares and gossip came as usual. It just never seems to stop in this god forsaken town. I was surprised though that Lauren and her crony's didn't mention anything first. I should have been thankful, but I was suspicious. With them it always seems best to get it over and done with.

Didn't stop the rest of the peers jeering at me though. In fact, it probably made the callous bastards worse. The first was just after English. Well, the first to my face anyway. I was juggling about three books and my schoolbag as well and I tripped literally on still air and everything came tumbling out.

Most people laughed and just kept on walking. I was going bright red but I was managing to hide it under my mass of dark brown hair. I was surprised when I saw someone else was picking up my stuff as well. I looked to see the sandy haired boy who'd played volleyball with me that time. He hadn't said anything or even looked me in the eye but he didn't seem to be intentionally cruel or anything.

Well, until another boy this one a huge burly one in a letterman sweater shouted from across the room.

"Leave it Mikey. She can get her Daddy to help her."

The remaining kids in the classroom laughed. Even the boy picking up my books did. It angered me, straight away. He'd seemed so genuine until the jock had spoken. I dare not think as to the color of my cheeks had been. He still carried on picking them up though, right until he had them all tucked under his arm.

He passed them to me one by one. I managed to fit them all efficiently into my bag, without causing anymore trouble. Then he passed me the last one, a thick dusty thing, the biggest by far of all my books that I used for biology. He seemed to move it over to me, then thought it over and pulled it up over my head and let it fall so it hit the top of my nose, making my eyes water. It was hard not to cry, it had been painful, but I couldn't believe what he'd done. All the other kids seemed to be laughing. I wanted to run away but Mike's friends were blocking the door way, all I could do was sit there.

They were all cheering. "Well done Mike." "Nice One" "You got her good Newton." as they walked away, as if he were some sort of hero. The big one waited until the end with Mike. I expected them to just go but he came over merely a few feet from me and starting laughing with pure fake emphasis.

"That'll teach you. Now be a good girl and run along…and get the fuck out of here."

I was about to obey him but then the smaller one Mike spoke.

"Come on it's not worth it. Imagine if Masen saw, he'd have a field day."

The big one turned and grunted without another word, but Mike stood there for a second and mouthed something to me ever so quietly. It could have been anything. An insult more than likely, but I was sure it sounded like "Sorry".

It made me late for class of course. And then the teasing went on for the rest of the day. One girl threw gum at me, which missed luckily, during trig, another pulled the back of my jeans down, again which I luckily saved in Spanish and it government someone kept farting and everyone kept blaming me. The claimless mute girl. It was torture but I managed to live through it…barely.

Lunch came and went. I plucked up the courage to at least go inside the cafeteria, after the whole incident with the lunch lady. Fortunately another one served me and I was out of there and back into my usual spot in the women's bathroom before many people even noticed I was there.

It was coming back from lunch though, standing at my locker that Lauren and her crew decided to attack. They all seemed to be wearing the exact same outfit. It looked ridiculous.

"Hey there…_Isabella_." She literally spat at me, as I could feel the dampness sprinkling on my nose.

Again I was blocked; they all seemed to be crowding around me. There was no where to run. I was defenseless.

"Now you've got to be polite Isabella." She grabbed my wrist tightly, lifting it up. "You have to say hello back…come on, say hello…say fucking HELLO!"

She pulled my wrist so my face was merely centimeters from hers. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't let myself. I was trying to keep my calm, but I wanted nothing more to slap her hard round the face. I couldn't win in this argument. At least not on my own.

She let go of my wrist, pushing me slightly into the locker.

"We've heard of your excursions over the weekend. Daddy been protecting his fucked up little girl has he?" I kept my head down looking mainly at my shoes. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction. "Well, has he?"

She picked up her cell phone, revealing a picture of me looking pale and scared, with Charlie hurriedly tugging on my arm. I could see by the face of the Lauren clone who took it that it was a job well done on her behalf.

"Shame we couldn't have a video, then we could have evidence that Chief Swan's finally lost it and has become a psycho like his precious daughter." She cackled and so did the rest of the emerging crowd.

Then I lost it, I reached for her blonde locks only she wrapped her legs around mine, we both tumbled to the ground.

"YOU BITCH!" She shouted, and her hand heightened to slap me.

I ducked in instinct to avoid the impact, but nothing touched me. I looked up in astonishment to see what was holding her back.

"Don't even think about it Lauren." He said in his musical voice that I'd been missing all morning.

Her eyes were cold, hard and angry, as she tried to struggle away from his firm grip, held tightly at her wrists.

"Edward," She said, her voice almost sweet and girly, "Why, I was just welcoming our new little friend here."

"I'm sure she'd appreciate it if you'd finish with you're _welcoming _Lauren. Now just get out of here before I do something I'll regret."

Her eyebrows protruded up her head, but as Edward carefully let go of her she stood to face him.

"Oh, but I was having so much fun. I guess you've not heard about how rude Isabella can be."

He let out a sound that could only have been described as a growl. It scared all of us, even me, even Lauren. If looks could kill…

"Well I know you know how rude you can be. Now leave Bella alone, before I seriously do something. NOW!"

Her eyes quickly whipped to me, before returning to Edward. She literally looked as terrified as I felt. It almost made me feel better. Like I'd won. Almost.

"Fine, ok Edward." She sounded almost like a little girl.

Her and her gang walked off without another word. The look in his eyes was almost like he was ready to kill. He stood there for a moment, just calming himself. Then he seemed to remember I was there.

"Bella," He breathed, "Are…are you alright?"

I nodded my head, no need to worry him, even more then I already had.

"You can't listen to her. It'll only make it worse. She's nothing, nothing. Not compared to y-There's only so much _I_ can do…We'll do…We'll do something about her."

I was all just starting to absorb it all in, but I couldn't help notice the way he had said we. We. We would do something about her. As if he meant the both of us together.

"Don't worry Bella." He cooed.

I was still on a heap on the floor, but it was only me and Edward in the hallway. He reached out to grab my hand, to pull me up, but he seemed wary for some reason.

It was the definition of heaven when our hands just touched, for merely those few seconds. I think it was then that I knew. But unfortunately he pulled away as soon as my feet were firmly on the ground.

"Come on," He said, "We better get to class."

It looked like he was going to take my hand again, but then he seemed to think otherwise and we made our way in silence to biology.

Edward didn't speak the whole entire time through Biology and I'd left that all important notebook in my locker. But every now and then I'd catch a glimpse at him and then he'd quickly glance back and I could see that beautiful crooked smile. With that the time passed quickly.

He ushered me out of biology and down to the gym, still in silence, but not in the awkward sort of silence. Once more, he seemed to be enjoying the moment as much as I was. He turned to me as I was about to open the gym door.

"Please be careful Bella." He smiled, which I returned as my answer.

And with that he was gone. Though he was as soon as I was out of the gym, there he was, leaning against the wall, the picture of perfect ease.

"Everything okay?" He asked generally concerned.

I laughed. Gym okay, with my balance. That was hardly likely.

He looked confused, but then when I nearly tripped over the garbage can, he joined in too. We seemed to laughing all the way to my locker, then to my truck. And he stood there with me just laughing. It seemed almost normal.

He stopped laughing almost abruptly to turn to look at his family who all seemed to be impatiently waiting by the car.

"Please be careful Bella." He repeated. Then he was about to turn, but again something changed his mind. He looked deeply gazing into my eyes. My knees felt week at the very feeling, and then he pulled a strand of my hair that was hanging in my face behind my ear. I shivered at his touch, but not only because his hand was ice cold.

"I'll see you tomorrow." And then he was walking off towards his family.

I sank into my truck not wanting to ever move again. It had all started so badly and yet ended so magical. I don't even know why I found it like that. I mean, it wasn't as if we'd really talked or he'd done anything particularly romantic, but that seemed to make it even more spectacular.

I decided to cook when I was at home; the mood had made me somewhat inspired. I decided nothing too adventurous with Charlie, so I cooked pasta.

Me and Charlie even seemed to get on with out that usual awkwardness that surrounded us. Charlie told me all about his day at work. Boring really, it was hardly like Charlie was the head of the CIA. But I kept intently listening to him. Nothing seemed to get me down.

It all seemed to go by so quickly. And I can't sleep now. I don't want to, to be precise. I've got too much to think about.

I mean, today wasn't even that particularly special. In fact, for the most part it was pretty damn shity. I definitely didn't need all the crap with Lauren. But I couldn't help but feel happy almost, at what she had done. After all, if she hadn't then nothing would have happened with Edward. Or maybe it would have, I don't know.

I do know that this has changed everything. Or maybe nothing is changed and this has put it all into perspective. It's not like I would know about this sort of thing. I could ask Suzie, but I'm smart enough to know that Suzie hasn't felt like this before. Maybe my Mom. No, talking boys with you Mom. I'm enough of a teenager to know that is a big no no. David…No it would bring back to many memories. If only Mellie was here…

She would know. Only I think she would. The feeling…what ever it was that was happening with me…It felt like something so entirely different. It didn't seem possible. It was almost like fantasy, like something from a book or a movie. Things like this didn't happen in real life…not my life anyways.

Anyway it wasn't like he felt the same. Or does he? No, it couldn't be possible. Why would someone like him, like someone like me? That was impossible. Who could possibly like the freak mute girl? I couldn't have a real relationship. Not the way I am. But why did he talk to me then? I always assumed he was being polite. But maybe…Maybe it could have been something else. It doesn't make sense, but maybe…

No.

Even so diary, I feel like a new era has come upon me. Like I'm some sort of new person. Maybe even a datable person. What's even more embarrassing as it is to say…

I think I may be in love.

Yours,

Bella

**Ooh Ooh Ooh Interesting…What will happen next? In the process of writing Chapter 33 people, so should be up pretty soon. Sorry all my recent chapters have taken so long to be posted. I've been super busy moving house and all. They'll be a a lot more frequent from now on, I'm sure. Anyways don't forget to review. You know the little grey & green box down there. It doesn't bite…unfortunately! **


	33. Tuesday 18th January 2005 3:57pm Part 1

**Ok, so heres the thing I've just started school...again! And I've been going to bed super early & getting up seriously early as well, so I've had like no time at all to write. On top with all my exams...its gonna be a bit hectic. But don't threat Chapter 33 is here. I kinda longish one that I've split into two again. Not my favourite but hey I swear Its leading up to something...you'll see. Anyway don't forget to review now people enjoy!**

_Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offence and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. There are three things that last faith, hope and love, and love is the greatest of these. - Landon Carter A Walk To Remember_

_Tuesday 18th__ January 2005 - 3:57pm _

Dear Diary,

The days just seem to be getting better in this dead end town. In fact, I think I may even be starting to like it here…if only just a little. There was nothing special about today; weather wise or even occasion wise. It all just started like any other old day here in Forks. Or maybe it didn't and I was just playing a fool to it.

I slept like a baby, something that I could have only dreamt of before. And needless to say, dreamless too, precisely the way it should be. I woke up early, I tidied my room, and I even cooked breakfast for Charlie. No one had ever put me in such a mood before. It was like I was filled to the brim on pure natural ecstasy.

All the bad things of my life seemed to be pushed to the very back of my mind. It was almost as if I were…_normal!_

I was at school much too early but I didn't care. It gave me time to think. And somehow these days, thinking doesn't seem too bad for me. It seems foolish and incredibly stupid of me. I mean, I've practically fell for a man who I barely know. And yet, I just can't seem to get him off my mind. I kept telling myself "He doesn't date" but it was like I was having a strange out of body experience, because I didn't care.

I must have been stuck in some sort of daydream, as I barely noticed the tap at my window. I did notice; however, when the door to my 53 Chevy flung straight open. I blinked, half expecting some jocks or Lauren clones to be pulling some kind of joke. And so I felt beyond idiotic as Edward Cullen stood there leaning at my door, that perfect smile spread across his face.

"Morning Bella," he laughed, only it reminded me more of a tinkling of Christmas Bells, "Don't you reckon you should be getting to class?"

I looked around; everyone was already walking into the many buildings of the Forks high school campus. I practically jumped out of the truck without thinking. My leg caught the edge of my seat belt and I prepared to drop head first to the gritty tarmac floor. My bag gave a crash to the floor, spilling half of its contents. I however, seemed to be floating somewhat mid air. I was startled at first, but then noticed Edward had his arms around me, keeping me up.

My cheeks flushed immediately. He chuckled and met my gaze. His beautiful gold eyes lit up his face. The already flush of my cheeks turned a deep scarlet ruby. The world seemed to disappear beneath me for that brief moment. I didn't care about anything else. In fact, the only thing that really drew my attention was his perfect glistening lips.

He was the one to break it. I'm scared that if it were up to me, it would be the ever difficult conundrum, if I really could. It didn't seem possible. He looked away in one swift motion, as if he were remembering something again. And quickly yet carefully put me down. I stood there like a Barbie doll, waiting for his next move.

He seemed almost as dizzy as me, yet more collected. He didn't get all crazy just by looking at someone. Things like this always seemed connected to me. Once a freak always a freak I suppose.

"Well," He finally spoke after a while, "I Suppose we'd better be getting to class. You don't want to be tardy do you?"

I looked around once more. Even fewer kids were surrounding us now. But I didn't really care. Funny, I'd never been one to accept tardiness. Today, it was all I was asking for. But I gave in.

He walked with me all the way to English class. Not saying a word. Yet there was that vibe, that feeling again. It was odd how comfortable I felt around him. I was angry when the bell rang for class.

Edward turned to walk to his next class but then, at the very last second, he gently shouted back,

"I'm looking forward to seeing you in Biology Bella."

That bright flash of blush spread across my face once more, but it didn't bother me. Not in the slightest. I saw a few girls walking into class gawking back in forth between me and Edward. I felt something I hadn't felt in a very long time. I believe it was smugness.

The rest of the morning went quickly for once. Not that I paid much attention to my average life. I was way too interested in something or rather someone else. Lauren and her crony's true to her word didn't even so much as say one word to me all day. I did notice though, that their glares were becoming more and more fierce. Not even this bothered me much though.

Lunch was, in a way, odd. I met Edward's gaze for just a second and was almost inclined to sit by him, only I then met the gazes of his four siblings. The big one…Emmett; looked somewhat apprehensive. The blonde boy, Jasper, looked almost… in pain? And Alice, the small dark haired girl, she looked…happy! But the beautiful blonde Rosalie looked beyond any anger that even Lauren had shown. All different. All just as scary. I decided that my spot in the girls bathroom was probably still the best spot…for now. I looked back at Edward, he was mouthing what I supposed was "Biology".

I must have been half transfixed on the Cullen Table because, as I walked along balancing tray in hand, I bumped into an extremely tall girl I remembered from biology. I couldn't quite put name to face, but she looked friendly enough.

"Oh, I'm So…" Then she recognized who I was and surprisingly she didn't seem upset about that fact. "Oh, hi… Isabella right? You sat at our lunch table once."

The first day. So much seemed to have happened since then, and yet it really hadn't been that long ago.

I gave her a silent nod, still silently pleased that this girl seemed generally happy to speak to me.

"Angela." She said holding out her hand awkwardly. This girl seemed as shy as me, the mute.

I shook it and began to walk off, thinking this the end of our conversation.

But then she called after me. Today seemed to be full of surprises.

"Well do you…errr…maybe…errr…wanna sit with me?" She indicated to the only empty lunch table.

I was more than obliged, unlike the first day where that Jessica girl seemed more interested in me for mere gossip. Angela however, seemed quite genuine.

I was only a little bit suspicious as to why she decided to sit with me. Today of all days. I glanced over at her usual table, though it seemed the same as usual giving me no clue as to Angela's absence. Fortunately, she saw me looking and answered my question.

"Me and Jess had an argument the other day." And that was all she said and that was all she had to say. I could see Jess and Lauren and all the other wannabes and I could see where Angela didn't belong. Angela was good of heart. Where as they were not.

She didn't speak for the rest of lunch. We just sat and ate. We weren't exactly the best of buddies yet. But it was nice to be there with someone. To feel accepted.

**End Of Part 1...Don't forget to Review Everyone.**


	34. Tuesday 18th January 2005 3:57pm Part 2

**Ok so here's part two…Review really would be AWESOME!**

Edward walked over to our table as the bell rang. He smiled sincerely at Angela and then turned to me. The crooked grin had returned.

"Angela," He said, I'd never heard him sound more grateful, "Thank you for sitting with Bella today, I'm sure she appreciated it."

Angela smiled brightly at me and I returned the favor. I was really starting to like this girl.

"I just want you to know Bella, I don't agree with them. It's cruel what they do. I'm sorry."

Every single word she said shone apology. Her voice was quite and deep. She truly was sorry. And I felt truly sorry for this girl who was perhaps more alone than I was, only in a much more different way.

"Yes they were," Edward replied for me, "But you're not to blame Angela. We're just fortunate Bella is a stronger person than any of them. A much stronger person."

"Yes she is." She smiled sweetly at me, so I was still in a way included in the conversation. "Bella. You like to be called Bella? I never knew. It's very pretty."

"Very," Edward agreed, "The Italian for beautiful I believe."

My heart sped up, flipped, and then stopped in a period of seconds. Could that have meant anything? I mean was he implying I was beautiful? No, no surely not. But judging by the look that was now shining in Angela's own brown eyes, she'd noticed it too.

"Well," Angela spoke after some time, her eyes darting to both of us, "I suppose we have class."

The three of us all walked to class together. Angela hung back slightly, as if me and Edward were the gregarious part of the group. That was definitely a first.

It was hard to be the way I usually was with Edward when Angela was there. I was afraid she would think something. And it seemed rude more than anything.

Apparently Edward and Angela felt no need to talk either and it was a very slow and silent yet nice walk to biology.

"I'll see you later Bella…Edward." Angela said as we all entered the classroom.

The first ten minutes or so of Bio remained in that same silence. It irked me. Why hadn't Edward started a conversation? Or maybe he was just being polite.

I then remembered the little beautiful book that I'd received the other day. I'd forgotten about it and its apparently mysterious sender.

I carefully took it out of my bag, not trying to make it so noticeable to the rest of the class. Edward noticed though, almost straight away. He smirked when he saw it. Either to do with the pure sake of it, or for something else.

He stared, his eyes fixed on the little pretty book, but he didn't speak a word still. Guess some things you have to do yourself.

_You're Quiet _

He looked swiftly and chuckled lightly to himself. His smile seemed to radiate the room.

"As are you." I should have been offended by this but I wasn't. I stuck my tongue out at him, as another almost human response. I was getting better at these. "I'm sorry. I'm just thinking."

_About what?_

"Things…" This seemed to amuse him. Another private joke, "I like your notepad."

_Thank you. It was a present. I don't know who from._

"Like anonymous?"

_Something like that. I found it in my truck._

"Mysterious." He grinned.

_Yeah, bit like you._

His face stiffened at this. It was as if he wasn't breathing. I decided to breach on to another conversation.

_Are you actually listening to this?_

The lecture that Mr. Banner was giving on the classifications of organisms.

His face returned to normal, yet he opted to write rather than speak this time. It looked beautiful to have his exquisite penmanship in my precious book.

_Yes. Don't you think you should be as well?_

A very good point, but I was in a stubborn mood. If we only had this hour to truly chat, then I wanted to get as much as I could.

_Yes, _I wrote, _but I cant. _

He seemed disappointed for some reason about this, though I couldn't imagine why. Nevertheless, he still replied in his beautiful script.

_Tell me about yourself then._

He wanted to know about me? This was kind of unexpected. No one truly wanted to know about _me_. Just my condition. It was almost as if he cared. Did he care?

_What do you want to know?_

He thought about this for a second, and then replied.

_What's your favorite color?_

It seemed odd or rather random or way to normal, or all of the above to ask that, but when I thought about it, I had no favorite color. Well, I couldn't exactly say that. It changed from day to day. I looked around me trying to take in the colors of my surroundings. The first thing to take my attention was the pale cobalt sweater he was wearing.

_Today - Blue._

And so it continued for the rest of the lesson. What exactly Mr. Banner was saying, I guess I'll never know. I was too busy waiting for another one of Edwards questions. I had wanted to know more about him, yet this was almost as good. He seemed interested in me. I mean generally interested. In my hobbies, favorites, anything really. Not even Melanie had thought to ever question some of the stuff he had asked me. And maybe that was more than just a little bit sad.

He walked me again to gym. The same usual perfect silence. People stared still, but it wasn't quite as threatening. Maybe they were getting used to it, as was I.

"Be careful." He warned once again, before setting off.

Again after a wondrous lesson, I was sick of the aggression of gym. After several injuries it was finally over.

Edward, once again, waited for me. I wondered how long this little arrangement was going to last. Personally, I didn't want it to end.

He talked, though only a little. I hated how I couldn't talk back to him. I wondered if he wondered what my voice was like. Absurd of me to think. There was no way he was as interested in me as I were him.

When we reached my big red truck, he didn't leave straight away. He stood and took in his surrounding, then the truck and then finally me.

His hand reached to my side. And as I considered what he was doing, my heart started to race.

"It's ok," He reassured, "I'm not going to hurt you."

But my heart was beating so fast, for an entirely different reason.

I would be lying if I didn't say I was disappointed when his hand reached inside my bag to retrieve my notepad and then for a pen from his own.

He wrote it quickly and swiftly so I couldn't see what he was writing. Then he walked off with merely a smile and a wave. But his words were more than enough.

_In a wakeful doze I sorrowFor the hand, the lips, the eyes,For the meeting of the morrow,The delight of happy laughter,The delight of low replies._

_I can not take credit for such beautiful words. Yet I wish I could, as it reminds me of you Bella Swan. _

I practically collapsed against the back of my truck. I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes, yet with much power they did not exceed beyond this point.

I looked up to find him. He was sitting in his Volvo, all his brothers and sisters already aboard. His head turned slightly out of the window to see his bearings. Yet, for barely a second I could have sworn he looked at me and smiled before returning his head facing forwards.

Although I'm still the same person, in a way I am not. Even from yesterday. For yesterday I thought I was in love with Edward Cullen.

Today, I know.

Yours,

Bella

**Ok so I hoped everyone liked. Not exactly the best chapter and I'm not too proud of the poem. I would have had Edward writing his own poem, but I doubt my own skills can compare. This is gratefully borrowed by Tennyson, from Maud. Its kind of a little pointless & I did compensate over it. The Italian for beauty line is also borrowed from my rather fabulous beta XEdwardLilCullenX from her rather superb fanfic It is Love That Is Stronger Than Death. I definitely advise you check it out. Infact do it right now…well after you've reviewed of course. Hee hee. Anyways hope you liked & remember guys review review review,**


	35. AN: Neverending, Nominations & Nippers

Ok so this is merely a quick authors note thingy. I've never done one of these purely on its own before, so bare with me. I have a few things to say…only a few for once.

First & most important…Mute has been Nominated! Woo yes, Mute has been nominated. Now my fan fiction beta the ever fabulous XEdwardsLilCullenX just informed me on this recently. And well, the way to get people to vote…is to get in the know. So I'm telling you all. Its on the Eddie & Bellie Awards and its in the category Plot You Wish You Came Up With.

Now I'm seriously new to all these award things…so I'll leave it up to you. If you can nominate that is. And don't forget once you've nominated…have a look and see if you can vote from the 15th July onwards. Fingers, toes & various other body parts crossed…eh. I leave it to you in capable hands. Any news, I'll post more updates.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the delay between chapters recently, I have essays galore to write & I'm literally full to the brim with revision. 5 weeks until Summer Holidays for me…so that's all the time to write I need. Expect much more updates then.

Don't be worried I'll still be writing though. So I won't be completely gone from existence. Thanks for fan fiction my writing has improved so much. I cant stop now. So expect next chapter soon.

Finally, I've spoken to a few of you about this recently & I thought it would be just easier to say it here than send all different PM's. For all of you that didn't know, my Mum is 20 weeks pregnant. And we've found out it's a boy…or so they think. Yay!

So that's all from me folks.

TTFN

Lion. Lovin. Lamb

xXx


	36. Wednesday 19th January 2005 8:15pm Part1

**Ok. So I'm back…And I'm back with a vengence. Ok. So you must all be thinking, where have I been for the past 4 months?? Well to leave out all the random, weird, chaotic, crazyness…I've been extremely busy. Suffered from the occasional writers block also. But Im back…with another double chapter diary entry…Next entry should be up tomorrow. I hope you like this chapter. Enjoy! **

_The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss. - Unknown_

_Wednesday 19__th__ January 2005 - 8:15pm_

Dear Diary,

When Charlie announced this morning that I would have to share half my afternoon with Dr Call-Me-Carrie Slater, I expected it to be anything but enjoyable. Bearable, Tedious…Suicidal even, but not enjoyable.

He'd dropped it like a bombshell, when I was rushing out the door to get to school. It was half an hour until school actually started, but I couldn't wait to see Edwards face as soon as possible.

"Someone seems happy." He said, as I practically skipped down the stairs. Was it that obvious. Am I that obvious. It had been playing on my mind all night. I had hardly slept a wink. Not that I minded. For once in my life, I felt belonged, normal…I sympathised with every rom-com movie, I've ever seen. I felt like singing…If that were even possible. Something in my life, was almost worth living for.

I literally swung round the banister to see him. Something possessed me inside to kiss him lightly on the cheek, before heading to the door. I hadn't done something as crazy as that since…well since I can really remember.

But just as I was heading out the door, something had to ruin my perfect day.

"Before I forget Bells, we have a meeting with Dr Slater today at Forks Hospital. Thought I'd pick you up before lunch, go get a Chinese at the Golden Gate." He smiled awkwardly at me, as if hoping I'd agree.

What was I meant to do. I couldn't exactly tell Charlie, that I didn't want to go to some crappy little Chinese and then a meeting with Dr Slater because I wanted to endure a biology lesson, with the man I loved. A little too deep perhaps.

So I merely nodded and trudged through the door. I seemed like the end to my perfect day. Fantastic…typical life of Isabella Marie Swan.

It was like those little words, made everything come flooding back to me. For the past 24 hours I'd been absorbed in my perfect little world. The reality of it was, I was still a mute, I was still a freak, my best friend was still dead and there was no way in hell Edward Cullen could be in love with me.

I observed myself in the rear mirror. I looked at my pasty complexion, my greasy mousy hair, my dull muddy brown eyes - I was hardly Miss Beauty Queen 2005. And then I compared to my memory of Edward, his russet bronze hair, his deep onyx eyes, his beauty so inhumanly defined it was like the sweetest of chocolates to the mind. Even If I wasn't the way I was, how could I possibly be equal to him. Even if in some ludicrous could happen and he could actually love me back, I didn't deserve him. He deserved someone beautiful, intelligent…normal. All of which I don't possess.

I now noticed the burden, I could have been to Edward. It didn't seem fair to him. He was already wrongly marked an outcast at school, I would no doubt drag him popularity further down the drain. He didn't deserve that…I was ultimately not worth it.

I drove to school even slower than usual. For some reason I was just in a foul mood. I mean all Charlie was doing was taking me out of class for a few hours…and yet it was practically driving me crazy. As selfish as it sounded all I wanted was Edward.

I sat in my car for an unbearable long time, I lay on my steering wheel thinking of some excuse to how they…although whoever they are I'll never know…would say: "lay Edward off". It kept playing in my mind over and over. I didn't deserve him. I couldn't.

No one deserved to be burdened with a freak.

But as I thought and thought…the harder it seemed to even contemplate on the idea. Edward made me happier, in ways that I haven't felt for years…in ways that I've never felt. Part of me wanted to go run out that damn truck, find Edward Cullen and kiss him senseless. My more quixotic side, was obviously starting to take over.

I was helpless. It was like some little girls fantasy. I mean, how hard was it to stay away from someone? But the very thought of it, nearly brought me to tears.

One little voice in my head was saying to me: "Leave him Bella, before he gets too involved. You don't want to ruin his life."

Yet another was preaching to the skys: "Bella you're in Love!"

I knew which was indefinitely louder.

And as it seemed again I was making the selfish decision.

"_Stupid…Stupid…Stupid…Stupid"_

And then there he was…

"Bella is there any reason you're banging you're head against the steering wheel of your chevy." He mused, chuckling privately to himself.

I scowled but couldn't help smile inwardly to myself. That smile…

I guess I must have been staring a tad too long, as he replied.

"Bella do you plan to remove yourself from ones truck before noon?"

I rolled my eyes, if only to amuse him once more. The feeling that I'd have to leave him this afternoon, felt more like I was leaving him for a hundred years. My heart felt burning like a raging fire in side of me.

I quickly got my "mystery book", as I'd secretly become accustomed to naming it, out from my satchel and quickly scribbled him a note. I had barely the energy to give it to him.

But I couldn't help see the sadness in his eyes, when he read that I wasn't to be with him in Biology today. I couldn't have imagined that could I.

He took my eye, as he gently helped me from the truck. I felt like a princess being escorted to a royal ball. I snorted at the thought. Edward noticed immediately, but he merely smiled too bemused by his own thoughts.

The rest of the day didn't seem necessary. In fact I barely paid attention to it. Apart from those brief encounters with Edward between classes, I was back to an endless blur. Lauren for once, seemed to be ignoring me. In fact so did everyone else. I couldn't help but feel slightly at piece with Forks High School.

Charlie came and collected me before lunch. He parked in the parking lot and waited for me. So there wasn't any chance of embarrassment, not that It would have affected much of my low social status anyway.

The moments before were something that little bit more spectacular…

Edward had some how found me, just as I was walking out of school. He wasn't running but he suddenly caught up with me in seconds.

"Bella." He said. He was smiling, but there was something quite different…almost promiscuous about his smile, as he spoke.

He was stood so much closer, than he'd ever done before. I felt like I could memorise every feature of his flawless face, I could feel his own breath against mine.

I let the irrationality of the moment take over me. I leant in further and further and he did nothing to even try to stop me.

Our noses were almost touching…

I could feel it. That would be the moment. Butterflies were dancing in my stomach.

Our eyes glancing nowhere but at each over…

There was nothing in my way. There was just us. I wasn't Bella the mute…I was Bella a somebody.

Our lives were about to intertwine. …

And then I heard Charlie's voice behind me…

**So yes…you'll have to see what happens in the next chapter. For all of you who think its WAY to early in there relationship for this …you'd be right(they have technically only known each other a week its true...but hey that never stopped Romeo and Juliet!) …but I do have my reasons.**

**I've kinda been on a hiatus as you know…so I think my writings went a bit on a downhill slope…your opinions would be lovely as always guys and gals.**

**Reviews make me oh so happy!**


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